To think that the sadder you are the less people want to help you

[Whereisalltherumgone]

Just an observation really.

Person 1: A “strong” person. Always happy (or seems to be) coping, wprking hard, surviver.
If person 1 looks a bit tired or emotional, multiple people ask if they are okay and if they need a hand.

Person 2: Somebody who has lower coping capacity,?frequently feels overwhelmed, asks for help on a semi-regular basis, quite easily moved to tears. If person 2 is looking stressed or emotional, it is not commented upon, no support offered.

This is what I see at my workplace. It’s common isn’t it? I suppose it’s the ‘boy who cried wolf’ problem, except person 2 really genuinely struggles, it’s just once people realise their offer of support may actually be taken up, or needed again, they don’t want to know.

Does this pattern sound familiar to others? AIBU?

Hadit this thread is very specifically about these types of people being draining in the workplace. As you are supported by friends snd family, none of this applies to your situation.

The other side of person B is sometimes there aren't any solutions to their pain. I don't think we like this, we always want to solve things and would rather push unsuitable solutions on someone than admit when there is little to be done.

I've had person B traits which I try to suppress and went through a bad period of several years. The long and short of it was that there weren't any solutions to it, I just had to wait it out. I'd sometimes have the opposite problem, people asking me about my emotions and situations and offering well meant support when I didn't actually want to talk about it. I often found I preferred to just spend time with people talking about other stuff or just talking about trivia.

I agree with PP that it isn't always just a case of seeking help and the help we do offer is more suited to Person A than person B.

Am I becoming ' wearing ' ?

Jeez . I wish I had never read this thread

In the nicest possible way, and I'm genuinely really sorry you struggle, but it's perfectly possible to acknowledge that something has the potential to be wearing bit ultimately people choose to amd are more than happy to be there for you because the love you and care about you and will be there for you in a heart beat.

And that's all fine because they have a choice and they want to be there for u as I'm.sure you are there for them.
Comeyeky different to work colleagues who were never even asked but just assumed to be ok

I think that the 1s get very tired
And don’t have enough energy to help the 2s

Im a 1

And it’s sucks

I find it the other way. I know I am ‘strong’ (having dealt with a number of things) so others assume that no matter what hits us, we’ll be alright and don’t ever look to help. They also assume that money buys you out of every problem. It doesn’t of course but it’s very easy for people to say ‘you have money so you’re alright.’

It's a lot of things. I found when I was going through a hard long draw out legal issue procedure years ago, people became desensitized to my upset.

Now I very rarely say I'm unhappy because of that experience. There was no help back then when I needed it. I was clearly on the edge. I remember asking my sister to take my son during the court case as I just couldn't cope for one night. She said no she had work the next day. He was in a right mess, I was about to drive him to social services. I think that if she could say no to me on my knees I never asked anyone for help since. Ever.

People do offer me help now ( generally tend to be people who arent close to me like long term friends or any family) so I take it. I really try to never talk about my feelings any more.

I'm also wary of how much I over helped some in the past. I have gone over and above to never have one favour returned.

So generally people pleasers expect too much and give too much. It's not conducive to being helped in returned. Its conducive for being seem as weak and being used. In my experience any way. People knew I would help them knowing they would never do the same for me.

I'm changing my ways.

I also find people who constantly moan draining from the other side. If you offer help once, some people will suck you dry.

*Am I becoming ' wearing ' ?

Jeez . I wish I had never read this thread*

When someone speaks to you is your first sentence "hi xyz, how are you?", if so, then it is unlikely.

I think this is very complex

I am always happy to help someone through a personal struggle. A break up, a death, a health crisis, whatever. I am happy, no matter how many times.

Assuming this is more a overworked scenario then what I find wearing is putting a lot of effort and time into helping someone, only to find that 5 minutes later they are back to square one. If its just a general inability to cope rather than any of the above scenarios.

Person A is much more likely to be upset about something I can genuinely help with. If its just a complete overload of work, for whatever reason, i know that if I take on the work for them and do it thats it, its done. Person A will have time to recover and we've sorted the situation. Then we'll both go back to doing our own work.

Person B, if I take on their work, ill be doing it again next week because they can't cope. Its very difficult to help people who just can't really cope and expect others to constantly shoulder the burden. Person B is a taker and is constantly taking time and emotional energy from others.

Essentially in your scenario OP, person B is expecting others to do their job for them

If they are constantly needing help, and expecting others to help them through a general inability to cope with the work, and don't do anything about this like drop their hours or change jobs, then they are expecting others to do their job for them, whilst getting paid to do the full job.

Person A is a team player. Everyone needs help sometimes, and so of course people are willing to help someone who pulls their weight. But what's not acceptable is to stay in a job that you can't do, get paid for that job and expect others to constantly help you

People will get used to B being tearful and easily overwhelmed, may question B’s competence and feel irritated at having to help B repeatedly or boost them up. It’s draining to be around someone who is always wanting help. Being emotional, tearful and overwhelmed regularly at work is unprofessional. B either needs help for MH or an easier role. Nobody wants to keep doing someone else’s work. It’s not fair on the team.

If person A is normally strong, dependable and copes well, then out of character emotional or tired behaviour will attract concern. People might think A is unwell or had bad news or something, so will rally round to help.

Specifically the workplace. I will crawl over glass to help and support A. They rarely ask for it, and when they do or you notice it it is genuine cause for alarm.

I am currently A. For me this is an unbearable situation to be in. I am being supported by a small group of very senior people. It is this which enables me to get my job done and eventually things will get better. I don't discuss it with them endlessly, but I absolutely know they have my back.

NOONE except this group knows. B's bring me their shit all day, every day. They have no idea of the mental strain I am under, and if they did they'd find a way to make it about them. If a B genuinely wanted help, that would be given in exactly the way as an A. But they don't.

if person A is not usually like that then it's likely that whatever their problem is can be resolved by the help

if person B is always like that then you they will be in the same state again next week regardless of what help you offer, so the help is pointless

@nosyupnorth

if person A is not usually like that then it's likely that whatever their problem is can be resolved by the help

if person B is always like that then you they will be in the same state again next week regardless of what help you offer, so the help is pointless

This - which is why I have strict boundaries for the Bs in my life!

I've been friends with person 2 and it was too much of a drain. I lasted 4 years but every time she drank, she was an emotional wreck, and quite frankly, I had had enough.

OP, people don’t want to be endlessly supporting their colleagues. They’re colleagues not your personal support network.

Most people do not take their problems into work and you never know what anybody else is going through.

And yeah you don’t really have the right to get all jealous that others were showing a more robust person some one off support/

You sound like really hard work and if nobody’s checking in on you, maybe it’s because they just don’t want to have to do any more handholding!

If you’re struggling please get outside help/.

I don’t recognise this scenario from any work place. Everyone is expected to cope and get on with their work at work. If you have personal problems you might go to your Manager to talk things through and / or take some leave but I don’t think anyone would expect to lean on their colleagues for help. If you have a friend at work and want to talk things through with them in your lunch hour, then that is fine. But work time is for working so maybe person 2 is expecting too much and looking for support in the wrong place?

But work time is for working so maybe person 2 is expecting too much and looking for support in the wrong place?

I totally agree, but I'm constantly amazed at things that seem to go on in many MNers' workplaces.

It makes me think how does anyone get any work done....but that's not a popular view, it seems that it's a strange concept on here that you actually go to work to ... um, work

Isn't work time just for work in the main? I don't expect colleagues to listen to me cry and talk about my personal problems. I think you need outside help OP. Can you take some leave?

Person 2 sounds really wearing, and doesn't help themselves in between times. They never learn, never adapt, never change just keep pleading the same problems. Why don't they take counselling and address their core issues?

Thanks everyone for responding, it’s been really enlightening hearing what you have to say.

Not everyone has been kind, and it’s been hard to read, but the brutal honesty of aibu means I get to hear the things people might not tell me in real life, so that’s what makes it helpful (if painful!)

I’ve gone from feeling sorry for myself to thinking I owe my colleagues an apology (maybe not in so many words, but in my behaviour and expectations moving forward), thanks for the reality-check.

And extra thanks to those who said it in a gentle way and with helpful suggestions @Hadtocomment

And also to others like me who are struggling
@HadItIReallyhave it’s really hard to be in a tough place, I suppose having fair / realistic expectations of others can only help us in the end xx my post was all about work colleagues, I think it’s different for people who love us.

Why don't they take counselling and address their core issues?

They might already be doing so. It isn't a quick fix though.

OP, I think the key thing is, even if you need and ask for help, to be aware that the people you ask may also have huge problems or stresses that they choose not to share and may only just be coping themselves. And to be aware that helping someone who is emotionally distressed is very wearing in itself and the helper needs time off frequently and mustn't be expected to prioritise the upset person over their other obligations and their own personal needs. I often find needy people are so sensitive to their own needs and have very thick skins towards the needs of the people they lean on. Those double standards can be so off-putting.