To think that the sadder you are the less people want to help you

[Whereisalltherumgone]

Just an observation really.

Person 1: A “strong” person. Always happy (or seems to be) coping, wprking hard, surviver.
If person 1 looks a bit tired or emotional, multiple people ask if they are okay and if they need a hand.

Person 2: Somebody who has lower coping capacity,?frequently feels overwhelmed, asks for help on a semi-regular basis, quite easily moved to tears. If person 2 is looking stressed or emotional, it is not commented upon, no support offered.

This is what I see at my workplace. It’s common isn’t it? I suppose it’s the ‘boy who cried wolf’ problem, except person 2 really genuinely struggles, it’s just once people realise their offer of support may actually be taken up, or needed again, they don’t want to know.

Does this pattern sound familiar to others? AIBU?

People are more likely to help people who at least appear to be helping themselves. They are also more likely to be drawn to people who are pleasant, enjoyable company most of the time.

But there isn’t just one type A and one type B person in most work environments. The type A people tend to be those that support the type B people- the type B don’t have the capacity to support other type B. In my workplace type As have a markedly higher workload than the type Bs as well as taking on supportive roles. I must admit I’ve been much less supportive to our type Bs than usual over the last year as I just don’t have the emotional energy at the moment due to my own issues. I would try and support a number of type As as it would be short term and reciprocal and I know they would do the same for me. Type As Will have developed reciprocal support mechanisms. It’s also worth noting that the bar at which type As need or ask for support is much higher so there is often a clearer and more defined need (I.e. sick child, illness).

I used to work with a Person B. She couldn’t hack the job so instead of asking for a different role or just quitting she’d end up in tears most days. She never helped her self and people just stopped caring.

I give the second person a swerve.

I think it depends on so many things. I'm a 'coper', apparently. People just think I'll be fine and crack on, which I normally do because I don't feel I have any option.

I have a friend who is very fragile and suffers from chronic anxiety. I love her dearly and help as much as I can but yes, it can become wearing sometimes. For the simple reason that by constantly being that 'crutch' it can have quite a negative affect on my own mental health.

Even if I mention that I've had a problem with something, she will always have had a worse problem that day. I don't want to be in a race to the bottom with anyone, it's exhausting.

@Gothichouse40

I was always the type that dropped everything if someone needed a bit help or support. That all stopped when I discovered who would do the same for me. You get fed up very quickly of being the person everyone comes to when they have problems. When you have them, you very quickly find out who would be there for you. Sadly, I discovered not too many.

I have experienced similar.

A lot depends on how person B is generally, there are a couple in my team who don't and won't help others when they can, but will be the first to need help. It becomes hard to muster much sympathy when you know it won't be reciprocated either to yourself or others on your team.

My view is if person 2’s struggles are worki”related then they are probably in the wrong job. They should be doing everything they can to improve their situation/self help. And if they’re home related then it’s not up to work to sort their personal issues/be their personal crutch. People don’t realise that, can be very self absorbed.

I don’t agree everyone always helps person 1 though, although I suspect a factor is that if they are genuinely fine/can cope at work, don’t complain etc then there is a legitimate factor (eg difficult client/overloaded workload) that should be sorted out in this instance.

There's alot to this.

Person A would be acting out of character. So it's more likely to be noted.

Person B, is acting in a consistent Manor. I work with a type B. And in my experience, everyone has tried to help. Make suggestions, support, give them a shoulder when they have needed it. But nothing changes, or drawing attention to them makes it worse for them, and it's generally accept that's just how Person B is and there isn't much colleagues can do to help the situation. People are there to do a job and they can't take time out everyday to do and it's emotional exhausting to do this, constantly.

Also Person A is likely to have supported their colleagues at some point. Is also likely to have stronger bonds, because there's mutual support.

They type B I work with is constantly moaning about something, banging his hands on desks, sighing loudly, storming about. Nothing helps, we try making a small joke with him, to bring him back down. Which sometimes works. But once after listening to him all day, I was concentrating on work and he banged his hands on the desk. It really made me jump. And I ended up having a go at him. Because people can only take so much before they react badly. If someone is draining them, emotionally, eventually something gives.

People, probably, won't turn to person B when they need support so there isn't the mutual give and take.

So it's not just happy smiley people have people care more. There's alot to the, likely, differences in the relationship people have with A or B.

I think there's a difference between supporting someone through a genuinely tough time or bout of ill health - people can be enormously kind, I've found,and the misery magnets you find in some workplaces. I've known people make poor personal choice after choice and everyone around them at work then has to hear of the consequences.

In my experience, people wide berth them after a while. They usually end up leaving when the sympathy well dries up. Like others say, we all have our own lives to deal with and limited energy to prop someone else up, especially at work.

I have a Person 2 in my life as well - I adore her, she's a good person but life just constantly shits on her. I've been her emotional crutch many times, she cries at everything and is permanently anxious, although I'm not really surprised.

As much as I sometimes sigh when she calls, I would never ignore her. The poor woman needs someone to rely on, heaven knows everyone else has died or cheated on her. The least I can do is listen and be available.

I had a bit of an emotional meltdown in my early 20s, and I used to chat to my stepmother, who I considered to be a warm, loving and wise person. Until the day she told me abruptly I was "hard work" with all my "deep and meaningful" neediness. I was suicidal and on antidepressants at the time, but that's okay - I still love her 30 years on, but I don't talk about difficult stuff with her!

Person B sounds annoying to work with. Also does B ever help others? It’s a two way street, I wouldn’t be helping someone who never helped me.

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you dry all alone" is an old proverb.

No one likes to be around constant negativity and neediness. Very hard on those who are more fragile but all of us only have so much we can give

@RavingAnnie

It makes me so sad to read things like "person 2 can become very wearing". I feel like a social life and support network is only there for people who are fit, well and can be cheery for the vast majority of the time.

But we are talking about a work situation. I don't consider my work colleagues to be my social life or support network. Person 2 can seek a social life and support outside work but should not be surprised if her colleagues begin to think that he/she needs another job.

I have known a lot of number 2s. They rarely support others so it is not reciprocal, and if you can't help them they never think about why that might be or wonder whether you've got your own issues to contend with (privately of course because as a number 1 you don't needlessly burden others).

Person A doesn't get help because 'they'll be fine, they always are, they're a survivor'. They're not allowed to ask for help. They have to help person B All The Time. They can't expect to be treated like Person B because Person B finds x hard and gets upset, whereas Person A isn't delicate/fragile/deserving of the care that Person B always gets.

'It's not like you to be like this, so emotional, A. This is already upsetting B and that's not fair on them because you know they have so much difficulty. You need to put that aside and support B because you're not like them, you're tough and resident and You Always Cope'.

As Person A, it wears you out because not only do you have to cope with your own shit better than everybody else, you end up with being dumped with the responsibility for protecting Person B's emotional state.

It depends

I think people in general are selfish shits - you learn that fast when the shit hits the fan.

Person 2 would get on my nerves TBH. Everyone has their own things going on. No one wants to come to work to hear the same person being negative and unreliable day in, day out. It's unprofessional and selfish behaviour.

If person 1 has a problem then it's easier to offer a listening ear or support because you know that they will sort it out rather than using you as a long-term crutch.

What you’re assuming, OP, is that there a number of ‘Person 3’s at this workplace, who have no difficulties and can thus devote themselves to the support of the Person 1s and Person 2s — whereas it’s more likely that it’s the Person 1s who are looking after the Person 2s, despite their own problems. I was the Person 1 for the Person 2 I shared an office with at my last workplace, and did a lot for her down the years, including visiting her at home when she was signed off with depression, bringing groceries, lending her money, inviting her for Christmas, helped her with immigration bureaucracy etc, but it was a severe drain on my own mental resources, at a time when I had my own problems.

I left that workplace and the country two years ago, but she’s still calling me out of the blue for hour-long hysterical monologues, her situation unchanged. Last time, I told her that I’d had two difficult gynae surgeries and a cancer scare since new year 2021, but I’m not sure anyone else’s problems actually penetrate.

In short, it’s likely to be Person 1 supporting Person 2, and we have our limits.

It's always a popularity contest. They want the most attractive, most powerful etc to owe them something. People are mercenary. Can't trust anyone's intention to "help".

@Oldtiredfedup

I think people in general are selfish shits - you learn that fast when the shit hits the fan.

What are you expecting from them?

I disagree. I'm a 'person A' and get very little support or consideration as people assume I'll be fine. Even when I ask for help I pretty much get 'you'll work things out, you always do!'

🤷🏻‍♀️

If person B's behaviour means that other people's workload increases, then people will quickly lose sympathy. Person A is probably also feeling the strain, but doesn't want to let people down.

I'm more person A. If I ever get upset at work, people are alarmed cos it's v out of character and therefore must be serious.