To think that the sadder you are the less people want to help you

[Whereisalltherumgone]

Just an observation really.

Person 1: A “strong” person. Always happy (or seems to be) coping, wprking hard, surviver.
If person 1 looks a bit tired or emotional, multiple people ask if they are okay and if they need a hand.

Person 2: Somebody who has lower coping capacity,?frequently feels overwhelmed, asks for help on a semi-regular basis, quite easily moved to tears. If person 2 is looking stressed or emotional, it is not commented upon, no support offered.

This is what I see at my workplace. It’s common isn’t it? I suppose it’s the ‘boy who cried wolf’ problem, except person 2 really genuinely struggles, it’s just once people realise their offer of support may actually be taken up, or needed again, they don’t want to know.

Does this pattern sound familiar to others? AIBU?

I live with a Person B, we are lodgers while we buy.

My word is it draining! Constant neediness, over sharing, wanting to blend everything, share everything, needing support for just waking up and getting up.

I on the other hand am slightly too far the other way. I like my own company, I'm independent, I recharge through being alone. I dont like Person Bs. In our case, the person has learned to behave like this, and gets her needs met. I have a hard time keeping boundaries but I do it for my OWN sanity. I've had needy people before as friends and I learned the hard way that when I cant give anymore, they have other people in the wings ready to take over.

At work I would avoid the fuck out of anyone who is needy. Grow up.

People do not have the ability or wish to be person bs therapist or work coach or whatever it is they need. They also probably know that helping on one occasion will lead to numerous requests or some expectations each time. However person 1 and 3 who rarely ask for help will be a short term issue so people are more willing to offer support. I am a very strong coper despite having many long term difficulties. I am v careful not to share these things constantly at work as people have their own shit going on. It is my job and they are my colleagues. They should not have to look after me!

it can be draining when you are continually being talked at about other people's problems.

My colleague earned a prestigious award for her training... asked her about the (I assumed exciting) ceremonial evening... took 20 min extra to get there as there was heavy traffic, she missed her kids, the chicken was dry and she felt like she had now peaked and life was just going to carry on as a drudge from now on.... etc... stops you asking about ANY aspect of their life when you know the default will be a litany of woe

@Gothichouse40

I was always the type that dropped everything if someone needed a bit help or support. That all stopped when I discovered who would do the same for me. You get fed up very quickly of being the person everyone comes to when they have problems. When you have them, you very quickly find out who would be there for you. Sadly, I discovered not too many.

Yes, you harden up a lot as you get older. You realize it is a one way street far too often.

@HeartIess

I’m a “strong person” , basically a bit of a rescuer and I don’t get this at all

People always assume that I will crack on with things 🙄

I think that's the point really. People who cope and look strong often fall hard when they do fall. I imagine that's what makes people rush to help when the strong person expresses a problem.

I have to admit that I would be more inclined to help the "strong" one than the one who had already sucked me dry of compassion, time and mental energy.

I used to work with a B) person. It was a nightmare because it was only ever about her, just wouldn’t help herself - always an excuse. She was draining.
I was relieved when she left and the office became a much happier place.

@SoapboxFox

It's interesting that people assume person B 'doesn't want to help themselves'.

It's not an assumption. It's based on our experience.

That’s true in my experience too, @DrSbaitso. Or to her it felt as though any help I could offer was simply not enough — she wanted someone else to shoulder the full burden of her problems in perpetuity, and appears to imagine still that marriage involves that, a permanent unburdening onto someone else. Which explained why her relationships were disastrous.

My experience is the exact opposite. Those who are always moaning, feeling sorry for themselves, worried about how things are going to affect them, always thinking they have it worse manage to make it look like they do a d get tons of attention and support.

Those who tend to keep things for themselves, get on with the same issues with resilience, are expected to do so no matter what, even when they do through worse. They get the 'well, you're strong, you always managed to fall back on your feet, you'll do again' and that's that.

Since your examples are from work, it sounds like a v hard working environment.

The story behind my question is that I have been both types.

In my last workplace, where I worked for many years, I was person A, I coped with everything thrown at me and more. Quite often I would have people checking in on me, asking if I was okay or needed help, especially if I was looking tired or they knew something stressful was coming up. I never took them up on the offers though.

Eventually (perhaps predictably) I burned out. I took time out to study and last year started a new job in a similar but different field. I can do the job no problem, but my confidence is easily shaken and I am much less tolerant of stress than I used to be. I have become person B.
Despite usually being a happy (and always helpful) person, I did have quite a few emotional wobbles when things got a bit much or I felt overwhelmed. Not every day, maybe every couple of months. And I had a lot of questions for my manager, some of which were probably anxious questions.

Them came covid, and we’re working from home. I live alone and our job is public facing and dealing with other people’s problems (now over zoom) amd I have had nobody to decompress with at the end of the day. It’s been a hard year, and again there have been tears on more than one occasion with my manager.

My colleagues like me (I think) and they know I am finding things tough working from home, but they never, ever check in on me. Never ask how I am or if I need help. But when a ‘strong’ colleague was stressed in a meeting today (unheard of for her) she got lots of lovely follow up texts with encouraging messages etc.

It made me feel quite lonely and un-cared-about, and I realise it’s not about my colleagues being uncaring people, it’s about me. I have changed. A kind text would mean the absolute world to me, but I am not person A any more. I am person B and I feel like I’ve been written off a bit.
Itonically, the lesson I learned from my burn out was to reach out for help more, and accept help when it’s offered. Unfortunately now I am a bit more vulnerable, help is never offered.

It’s got me to a place where I don’t feel I have permission to be open with them any more. I would love to change my colleagues perceptions of me and get to a place where we offer mutual support to one another (yes, I do offer support to others- I was one of the ones to text the strong colleague) but I think it’s going to take years of me being “strong / coping” and slapping on a smile to counteract nearly 3 years of being person B and get back to that place of being respected and worthy of compassion. If it’s even possible at all.

I've been person 2, and also worked with a couple of person 2s. I got support at work, but very much tried to help myself as well. I don't think I would have got the continued support if it wasn't clear I was helping myself too.

Person 2s who descend into an entitled, victim mindset are really, really wearing.

I’m person A. I have some big things going on just now but mostly keep it to myself and I keep myself together, especially at work. I work with children with all sorts of problems and I have all the time and patience in the world for helping them through their difficulties and emotions.

I do however find it harder to help adults who need constant support. I know that if they are not coping it is because they haven’t got the same tools for resilience that I have and perhaps I should be more understanding. But I just find it such a drain. I work hard at managing my emotions and I don’t put them on to others. My person B friends are quite happy to lean on me, but never offer support back.

I tend to surround myself more with other person A types. I find that the support I give them is reciprocated and it’s a more rewarding and balanced relationship.

I have lots of relatives in frontline public services, they’re like person A but the work took a big toll on their health and relationships. I decided I’d struggle in such environments and chose 9-5 office work. Tears in the office a rarity.

@HeartIess

I’m a “strong person” , basically a bit of a rescuer and I don’t get this at all

People always assume that I will crack on with things 🙄

Yep exactly this too.

If I'm tired/ stressed/ over worked, its just expected that I will keep working anf

@Ifitquacks

People don’t offer support in a vacuum... often person C (the one observing and offering the support) will have their own issues and difficulties, and while they may be able to offer one off support to someone like person A, this may feel like a more daunting task if it’s an ongoing thing. I don’t mean to be harsh but people have their own shit going on and don’t always have the time, mental space or inclination to provide ongoing support. I’m person D... outwardly strong, never seen to struggle, never ask for help but inside often falling apart. I might look heartless if I can’t offer support to someone like person B, but it’s usually because I’ve got stuff going on that no one knows about and it’s hard enough keeping myself on an even keel.

I’m person D too. I have a small network of people in my personal life that I talk to about the hard stuff, but even then I’m conscious of not over burdening them and we have reciprocal relationships where we help each other out at tough times. I’ve had person B flip out at me in work and say I don’t know how hard they have it, that I don’t know what it’s like to have panic attacks. Erm, nope I had very serious anxiety and depression when I was having frequent, debilitating panic attacks for several years in my twenties but kept on trucking until I came out the other side. A few years ago a person B in my current organisation berated me for not being supportive enough when they returned from long term sick leave. I had just come back from bereavement leave having buried my Dad after a long illness two weeks before. I used to be a really soft touch when I was younger but I find my sympathies for the Bs of this world diminishing as I get older. There are a lot of people who are caught up in their own problems, seemingly unable to see that everyone is just getting by and often fighting battles of their own. I give very limited, boundaried support to the Bs and gradually retreat if they continue to press for ongoing support. I’ve got stuff of my own to deal with, especially when it comes to colleagues.

Sorry hit post too soon!
Its just expected that I'll keep working and get through everything no matter how stressed/ tired/ sad/ overworked I am.

I think you'd probably have a more settled and content life if you set boundaries for yourself, and stopped worrying about which category of person you or others are

I've helped a friend through some tough times but I know that if it were me with the big problems she would be too busy to help out.
Some can be the ' rocks ' and others just can't.

I think with Person Bs there's a perception fairly or unfairly that beyond a certain point they are failing to help themselves or learn from their own mistakes and people's sympathy does dry up a bit when people keep walking into the same predictable situations.

You know the sort of person who keeps going for really awful, abusive blokes, or someone with a drink problem who keeps being fired for being drunk on the job.

You may know rationally that there's a psychological reason at the heart of this which is a trigger. But its still bloody annoying to have to pick the pieces up when someone fails to learn lessons.

I think some Person Bs may just be really unlucky but a lot are the work equivalent of this: people who just can't or won't develop coping strategies and it becomes very draining to support them again and again and again in the same patterns.

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Yes. Person 2 can become very wearing, especially if they are not seen to be using strategies to help themselves or act on guidance previously given. They might have lower capacity to cope but I have limited capacity to support and deal with my own problems effectively too.

Totally agree with this. People dont have endless capacity to support people, they are probably just coping themselves. If someone is in a permanent state of Acopia in tbe workplace then they need formal support, coaching and performance management. Sorry its a TAAT but another thread has brought up the issue of " all listen and support each other" Fine on the surface but actually not fine, employers should be providing care for their staff not pushing it onto other employees.

I would support person 2 initially but long term I think it would take a toll. If person 2 needs long term support then I think they would need more than I have to give. I’m a single parent of 2 young kids and while I’m lucky to be person 1 type I have a lot going on the background that I need to be strong for. It sounds harsh but my own mental health and kids welfare comes first and I can’t afford to be dragged down by someone I’m not qualified to help. Sorry person 2

Yes its true. I used to always ask a mum at school, "how are you?" Every single time she'd list every trivial negative thing that happened e.g. stubbed my toe, my son was naughty, my husband didn't help me with the school run, I can't be bothered to do the food shop, my tummy hurts today" etc. Its draining and negative, no-one wants to hear all that every day. Now I just say hello and smile, but no more "how are you?!" However another mum I see, is always upbeat and positive, said she was feeling low so I made that effort to talk with her. Because I know it will help her. Whereas chats with the negative person will never help, as they are always negative even when nothing bad's even happened to them.

you forget about people who look genuinely happy, content and put together externally, because they have learnt to mask their emotions but utterly dying inside.
appearances can be incredibly deceptive.

so for that alone YABVU

Whereas chats with the negative person will never help, as they are always negative even when nothing bad's even happened to them.

That's the thing: its partly about how you feel the person is reacting to the negative things that happen. Shit things happen to everyone you won't have control over that but you do have some control over your mindset. When people see the world as a huge list of wrongs against them in makes you feel impotent and as if there's no point trying to help.

I'm not a believer in mindless "positivity" for its own sake. But I do think some resilience skills are likely to make people more likelly to want to support.