AIBU - family member and money issue arghhhh......

(172 Posts)
stfuDoris Thu 13-May-21 15:03:50

Please be gentle - long time lurker but first actual post of my own....

So...roll back to first lockdown March 2020...I worked throughout each lockdown no furlough etc so maintained regular wage however my sister who is self employed had to cease trading and initially was not in receipt of any loans grants etc. She was extremely stressed during this time as had no way to cover her regular monthly outgoings so I offered to cover some of her bills to ease the pressure as did another family member - in total I paid £1800 of her monthly bills over approx 5 months until she was able to start working again. Yes I received my normal wage each month but I have my own bills and this was an additional expense each month that I had to budget for, it was not from savings etc.

Roll on to August 2020 my sister finally received payment - to the tune of £18k which was backdated to March 2020...she straight away paid back the other family member who had also paid some of her bills.

Now here is my dilemma...I rightly or wrongly ‘expected’ her to do the same re the money I had paid out but it was never mentioned...she has now put the majority of this money into savings - for a new car and luxury holiday for when times permit.....has not had to use any for expenses raised during that time if that makes sense as they were covered. She also lives with a parent and was rent/board free throughout.

A week ago I had mentioned a car bill I had and she said if I was short she could ‘lend’ me the money however would need it back as she was going to book a holiday as soon as she could. I ‘flippantly’ said - well instead of lending me the money you could pay back what I paid out during lockdown .....and all hell broke loose.... she said I had told her not to worry about it at the time which I am sure I probably did as she had enough going on, and at the time was unsure whether she would even qualify for anything. She also said it’s only because she received this money (8 months ago!!) that I brought it up....which again is partly true if she had not have been in a place financially to have paid me back I would probably have just written it off however, she is in a position financially and if that had been me ‘morally’ I would have paid it back regardless. I am now left feeling like I am completely in the wrong and the worst of the worst for even bringing this up, she has contacted me since saying she can’t believe I brought it up and reiterated that I was the one who said don’t worry about it at the time and that the offer of the loan was still there if I wanted it but it would be a loan.

For context she is quite a bit younger than me, late 20’s tho so not a teenager......is single, lives with parent, her monthly outgoings that she couldn’t meet during lockdown were all personal bills ie credit cards, car insurance, phone and finance agreements.

I feel a complete mug here as the money she received was backdated to March 2020 so she has been ‘compensated’ as such for money that she would have had to pay out during the time when she was unable to work however she is so annoyed and shocked that I dared to mention the money that I paid out on HER bills, I am second guessing myself and thinking maybe I was wrong to even bring it up?? AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 13-May-21 15:07:33

Yanbu to expect her to repay the debt. You really should have mentioned it as soon as she got the backdated payment "that's great, here is my bank details to repay my loan".

I'd be furious with her reaction.

romdowa Thu 13-May-21 15:07:33

You are in no way being unreasonable. You did her a massive favour and she should have been falling over herself to pay you back. If fact with the way she is carrying on, I'd insist she does. What a cf

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 13-May-21 15:11:00

You did a kind and generous thing. Her outgoings seem high for someone who doesn’t pay rent or bills...

Of course she should pay you back. She wants a fucking holiday when you paid her costs for 5 months?! Cheeky mare.

She’s already pissed off at you so you’ve got nothing to lose by saying you expect it all paid back.

I doubt she’ll do it and she’s right that you said not to worry and didn’t get an agreement between you that you’d be repaid, but the point is worth pressing.

Is it too late to accept a loan for your car then just not pay it back...?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 13-May-21 15:11:10

Your sister is seriously lacking in character. I would tell her I want my money back, repeatedly, although you'll probably never see it. What a bitch.

44PumpLane Thu 13-May-21 15:11:11

Ask for a loan of £3k.....repay her £1200!

If you were to ask for exactly £1800 she may cotton in to what you're doing but asking for a higher value may help disguise it.

But if she understands that you don't just give money to a sibling, you lend it, then she should understand she owes you £1800!

ElderMillennial Thu 13-May-21 15:11:35

YANBU

Of course she should pay you back!

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TwoAndAnOnion Thu 13-May-21 15:12:03

You might have said 'don't worry about it' and you might have meant there was no need to pay back, BUT courtesy would dictate when in receipt of a windfall you'd settle debts - even those that don't necessitate immediate repayment. I believe in the pay-it-forward school of thinking. When you're in a position to do good, you do it.

The thing is, this will now sour your relationship with her going forward. It'll never be the same again. But also, you'll never lend her anything again either.

You can go one of three ways - write off the money you gave her and
1.. take the loan shes offered you and not pay it back
2.. take the loan shes offered and pay it back
3.. look for an alternative loan

Personally, I'd be inclined toward 3.

foxyroxyyy Thu 13-May-21 15:18:00

I think I'd go very very low contact. Your sister is actually awful!

JustCatting Thu 13-May-21 15:19:49

Ask her to lend you £2000, then pay her £200 back.

GreyStairs Thu 13-May-21 15:22:11

Of course she owes you the money back. She can’t get the money twice from you and the government. You were very lovely to help her out not knowing if you would get repaid.

GreyStairs Thu 13-May-21 15:22:35

JustCatting

Ask her to lend you £2000, then pay her £200 back.

This.

FinallyHere Thu 13-May-21 15:25:31

Another case of no good deed going unpunished.

She has reacted in this way to try and keep you off balance and questioning yourself, in the hope that you will drop the whole thing.

I'm afraid that you need a calm conversation with her, reminding her that you helped out when she was in difficulties and how that she has received 'compensation' she needs to pay you back.

You would not have paid for a luxury holiday for her so it is right snd proper for her to pay you back. No need for easy terms, either, she has the money in the bank.

Keep calm, keep repeating you need to be repaid. There is no need for you to second guess yourself. This is very cut snd dried, however she tries to muddy the waters.

Good luck.

osbertthesyrianhamster Thu 13-May-21 15:28:41

Lesson learned, start cutting her a very wide berth. She's a user.

Blossomtoes Thu 13-May-21 15:28:52

So essentially she wants you to pay for her holiday. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Guardsman18 Thu 13-May-21 15:29:17

That's awful of your sister. I'd have trouble with understanding her thinking tbh!

A few years ago my DB very kindly wrote a cheque for Council Tax arrears (went to bailiffs) and bought us a washing machine when I couldn't afford it.

When I eventually did have some money, he was first on the list for repayment. I don't think I'm a wonderful person for dong that. It's just normal surely?

Noshowlomo Thu 13-May-21 15:32:30

YADNBU. Cheeky wench as she is

LannieDuck Thu 13-May-21 15:38:38

How did you hear about her repaying the other family member? Had they explicitly loaned it?

Did she have any idea she'd get back-dated pay?

It's pretty clear to me that the backdated pay should be used to reimburse those who were kind enough to keep her afloat during a very stressful period. It's just a no-brainer to me.

ItscoldinAlaska Thu 13-May-21 15:51:38

YADNBU. She should repay you

How on earth did she end up getting 18k though??

Tvscreen Thu 13-May-21 15:53:25

This is shocking behaviour. She’s being a CF and you shouldn’t second guess yourself. Of course she should pay you back. If she had any conscience whatsoever she should have paid you back as soon as she got the money.

Tvscreen Thu 13-May-21 15:54:38

Stand your ground and tell her to pay your money back.

Voomster953 Thu 13-May-21 15:55:26

Well isn’t she a spoilt twat? Ask for it back directly. She’s already thrown her toys out of the pram so if she kicks off say she either pays you or you’ll lodge a small claim against her, which could result in a CCJ and fuck her credit. Her choice.

Serenity45 Thu 13-May-21 15:55:40

YANBU OP she's a cheeky selfish fucker. It would change the way I viewed our relationship if this was one of my younger sisters (both in their 20s too, though I'd like to think they wouldn't do this).

Appalling behaviour she should have repaid you as soon as she had the money to do so. Twisting whatever nice terms you used like 'don't worry about it' is just cuntish. I'm sure she would have been royally pissed off if you had confirmed it was a loan at the time and asked her when it would be repaid!

Feel v angry on your behalf

gamerchick Thu 13-May-21 15:56:30

She's blatantly taken the piss, she doesn't care she has. Tell her she's a pisstaker and not to ask for your help again and then give her a swerve in future

I don't understand why her outgoings were so high though if she had 2 people paying her bills and how she got quite so much money like that though.

TwoAndAnOnion Thu 13-May-21 15:56:31

Voomster953

Well isn’t she a spoilt twat? Ask for it back directly. She’s already thrown her toys out of the pram so if she kicks off say she either pays you or you’ll lodge a small claim against her, which could result in a CCJ and fuck her credit. Her choice.

This wont happen unless there is a written loan agreement, with repayment terms

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