Page 2 | AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

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confusedandsleepy Mon 13-Jan-20 02:12:59

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP’s posts: |
Nancydrawn Mon 13-Jan-20 03:08:31

I didn't take my husband's surname.

I just didn't think the wedding changed me more than it changed him.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 13-Jan-20 03:10:59

YABU. The mistake your fiancée made was giving your dd your surname. Traditionally children have always taken their mothers surname. It’s just women used to always take their husband’s name in wedlock. This isn’t the 1950’s

timeisnotaline Mon 13-Jan-20 03:12:11

I didn’t. I’d love my kids to have my name, they have dhs. That’s quite enough giving from me thanks, I’m not prepared to change my name. Would jump at it if dh wanted to change his!

EL8888 Mon 13-Jan-20 03:13:14

Another YABU from me l am afraid. Why should she take your name? Why can't you take her name? If you don't want to do that, maybe think why she doesn't wan to change her name to yours. Or you could both explore alternatives lie picking a new name or double barrel. Increasingly women do not want to change their name or to be guilted / emotionally blackmailed into it.

I am engaged and when we marry will not be taking his name, we are either going to double barrel or pick a new name to share. I also made clear any children we have will either have my surname, his surname-my surname or my surname-his surname.

EL8888 Mon 13-Jan-20 03:14:33

But yeah l can see why people are querying if this is real. Feels to obvious or maybe it is a reverse....

MissingCoffeeandWine Mon 13-Jan-20 03:23:28

YABU. I’m married and had this (heated) discussion with my dh. For him, he saw me taking his name as us “being a family, proud to be as one”. For me, I saw it as connected to old traditions of ownership and subjudication, it may be illogical but for me, it represented a symbolic acceptance of transference of power, and it wasn’t one I wanted to accept. I adore him, but I am me. In being married, I didn’t want to lose (any part of) my identity.

I do sometimes double barrel it, when it comes to family things (eg booking hotel rooms if traveling) but haven’t found it a problem yet (though our LO is still a baby).

I’d suggest you consider why it is important to you, and hear why it matters to her. If it’s about being “the same family” merge your names (so the change is even?). Work our what suits you as a couple.

Why is it part of being married to you? Your not unreasonable to be upset (all feelings are valid) but you do need to work out why you feel that way. Your OP doesn’t address this.

I come from a traditional family and keeping my name, did cause a certain amount of chaos/scandal. It was noted to be a marker of independence, and we have had many discussions about how this is something I am proud of in my couple. Equal partnership (at least in respect) is a value I want to pass to our children. If my DH had forced a name change, or not tried to hear my thoughts, I would have been gutted, angry and probably questioning of how much he knew me/what else he would expect me to “give up” as part of being married. Though I could be very wrong, I would think this isn’t as simple as a name:


HannaYeah Mon 13-Jan-20 03:23:49

Not unreasonable for the gut reaction and desire for her to have your name.

But if you cannot come around to understanding her own needs and wishes and let her decide for herself what is best, then yes, that is completely unreasonable.

MissingCoffeeandWine Mon 13-Jan-20 03:25:15

Ps for you my story may be irrelevant. Many people take names and it represents completely different things to them. This was about what it meant to me. That’s why I suggest finding out why it matters to your partner.

Oakeyy Mon 13-Jan-20 03:41:56

Change your name and DD's either to your wife's surname or another name entirely. Either one of significance (parents/grandparents maiden names etc) or merge your names into one e.g. Johnson and Black into Blackson.

squeekums Mon 13-Jan-20 03:43:01

if the same surename is a big thing for you, change yours to hers. Why should she HAVE to give up her name?

Durgasarrow Mon 13-Jan-20 03:44:13

Take her name, problem solved.

GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 13-Jan-20 03:54:03

I do actually think it's a bit strange that she doesn't want the same name as her DD, but surely if DD is double barrelled you already knew your wife wouldn't have the same name as you?

YABU to expect her to change her name to please you though.

BillHadersNewWife Mon 13-Jan-20 03:57:58

Hell I suspect that like many women, she allowed her DD to have her Father's name because that's expected and not everyone questions it. She's obviously wised up now.

Albern Mon 13-Jan-20 04:06:37


GiveHerHellFromUs Mon 13-Jan-20 04:07:21

@BillHadersNewWife she double-barrelled their daughters name so logic would say she'd want to double-barrel her own too?

If she'd have just given her daughter his name I'd agree completely

PrincessPain Mon 13-Jan-20 04:08:33

I like my name, when me and DH gor married I kept it. I didn't want to change all my documents or basically have my MILs name.
DH was just happy I wanted to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him.
We have had 2 DC since then, who both have my last name, because, once again DH just wanted me to be happy and was happy we were having babies together.
It's my choice, it's my name, and I think if he'd kept complaining about it I would have wondered why he cared so much.
His family have not been happy at all with either my name or the DCs name, and he has defended my right to choose from day one. It shows how much respect and love he has for me.

Jossina Mon 13-Jan-20 04:09:25

If you want the same name take hers.

mathanxiety Mon 13-Jan-20 04:09:32

Of course you are being unreasonable.

You live in 2020 and you can't see that?

But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.
You would be a family if you took her name, or if you all double barreled.

You won't be a family for long if you try to bully her into doing things that she doesn't want to do, or subsume her existence into yours.

Creepster Mon 13-Jan-20 04:09:43

If you think it is all that important then you change your name to hers.

spontaneouscombustionawaits Mon 13-Jan-20 04:14:03

I didn't change my name and my husband is very resentful about it. Our child has a double-barrelled name. I have a body of work linked to my name. He doesn't. Yet he sees no problem with me wiping my career slate clean and essentially starting again. No chance. Perhaps you could explain why it's so important to you, OP. And if it is that important to you then perhaps explain why you won't change your name to hers?

laudete Mon 13-Jan-20 04:15:06

YANBU for wanting and she is not being unreasonable for refusing. It is her name. If you're going to be uber traditional - assuming she is the mother of the child - the daughter should have her surname as you are unmarried. However, it is both legal and reasonable for all 3 of you to have different surnames if that is something you'd all like to happen.

dontgobaconmyheart Mon 13-Jan-20 04:21:46

YABU OP, can you think of any good reasons she should take your name that so not boil down to misogynistic nonsense?

She doesn't want to, that really is the end of it, she doesn't exist to fulfill your box ticking of what a proper wife is and will be. Change your surname to hers and change your daughters to the same? Very easy to do?

Marriage is about equality and respecting one another and working towards creating shared happiness. It isn't about bagging yourself a wife that must live up to your 'traditional' (misogynistic) expectations or be faced with your disappointment or resentment.

Namenic Mon 13-Jan-20 04:25:14

From my culture women don’t change surname but kids take father’s name. My preference would be not to change it, but it means a lot to DH and I would consider it. I’m worried it would annoy my family though. We do a mix - some things are in my married name and some in my maiden name as there isn’t an ‘official’ one in UK.

It does annoy me that I will have to take my marriage certificate when going through passport control though when travelling alone with the kids.

Twillow Mon 13-Jan-20 04:25:48

I get her. Would it help to think how it would feel if she wanted you to have her surname and it was odd with your first name? It is just tradition and means nothing.

lostsoulsunited Mon 13-Jan-20 04:25:49

Yabu. She's your equal partner not somebody who surrenders her identity to you. Change your name to hers if having the same name is that important to you.

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