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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

256 replies

confusedandsleepy · 13/01/2020 02:12

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 13/01/2020 07:57

This is not the forum to be asking such a question if you want unanimous support!

OwlBeThere · 13/01/2020 08:01

I didn’t change mine purely because it would have sounded stupid. I would have ended up with a rhyming name like Sally O’mally and there is just no way I was going through life like that.
My ex didn’t care. The kids have my name as a middle name and his surname so they can use mine if they want to. One of them does, the rest don’t really.

Ohfrigginghellers · 13/01/2020 08:07

I can understand her feeling a bit odd about it all but you really do get used to it. I personally think it makes sense to take the husbands name and it's what I wanted but everyone is different.
Those saying it's part of their history and it's mine. That doesn't change when you change your surname.
My maiden name will always be a part of me and it's down on record.
Having said all that my dh surname is nice sounding. If it was going to be something like Sally Mally then 🤦‍♀️

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 08:11

I’d have loved a vote of this subject!!

YABU I’m afraid. There are many reasons why a woman doesn’t want to take her DH name and you have to respect that.
I have my DH name and was very proud to use it when I was first married. Now that I am older and have woken up to many things, I know I wouod never do that again. I am ME not someone else wife, which is what taking a married name is. I wouodnt want to be reduced to that.

I mean, if you are so keen for her to change her name to your, how would you react if she was asking the same, if she was asking YOU to take HER name? )I know a guy who did that btw so not crazy.)
Would you still feel like yourself? Would it feel weird to be called Confused Wife’s name? I’m pretty sure it wouod. And here is your explanation as to why she isn’t keen either!!

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 08:13

Btw, don’t expect or even ask people to do something you would never do yourself!!

Amatteroftime · 13/01/2020 08:14

Yabu. It is entirely her choice.

When DH and I got married I knew he would like it if I took his name but he didn't force the issue. He wouldn't change his as he was, at the time, the last person in his family with that name so wanted to keep it.

I decided to take his name in the end as I wanted any children to have his name as I knew it meant a lot to him, and I wanted to have the same surname as everyone else. But it took me about 18 months to come to that decision. I'm happy I did but if he put pressure on me to take his name I'm not sure if it would have made me swing the other way.

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 08:16

I personally think it makes sense to take the husbands name and it's what I wanted but everyone is different.

In what way does it “make sense”?! ConfusedConfused

nibdedibble · 13/01/2020 08:18

YABU and if it really is that important to you, perhaps a bit of pre-marriage counselling would help. I am particularly thinking of her: going into a marriage knowing of your strong feelings towards her doing what you want her to, well, maybe that needs working through.

Shaminon · 13/01/2020 08:18

Yabu

Totally outdated and utterly inconvenient.

BoxedWine · 13/01/2020 08:19

Funny that this appeared after a post from a woman who didn't want to take her husbands name after marriage. OP didn't come back either.

Yes, got my spidey senses tingling too!

Amatteroftime · 13/01/2020 08:20

Assuming this is a troll as the OP hasn't come back

PhoneLock · 13/01/2020 08:20

I wasn't going to initially. I had all the usual loss of identity thoughts. I'm me etc.

Something changed my mind though shortly before the wedding. I think it was because I wanted it to be obvious that I was married, and who to.

I don't feel that I have lost any part of my identity. I'm still me.

Amaretto · 13/01/2020 08:22

Actually @nibdedibble raise a good question.
How do you think your wife will feel of you start that marriage with demanding she does something she actually doesn’t want to do and the fact you are expecting her to accept that YOUR way of ‘what the marriage is about’ is THE way?

And how you do feel about yourself being the kind of guy who imposes his preferences on his wife? One that uses guilt to get his own way too (I am VERY hurt that you dint want to do as you are told)?

Brimful · 13/01/2020 08:22

I couldn't wait to change my surname to his after I married DH. Hate my maiden name, it's hard for people to spell and pronounce and was my father's surname who was abusive.

But my friend kept her maiden name, it's so 'her' and she loves it.

So it's totally individual, with no wrong or right.

Palavah · 13/01/2020 08:24

I know a few couples where both parties have adopted a double-barrelled surname incorporating their names. Try that if you want everyone to have the same name and also keep yours?

Consider that your wife's name has been hers for the whole of her life.

EasterIssland · 13/01/2020 08:26

@CallaLilli Im Spanish I know my 8 surnames by knowing my family’s surnames. However for legal purposes we only use 2 when we are registered.

Op. Welcome to 2020. Not everyone is willing to give up part of their identity. Get used to it if you love her

Rosebel · 13/01/2020 08:31

See I want to say you are being unreasonable but I kind of wish I had taken my husbands name (although it would have caused issues with my job). My children have my surname and now my eldest wants to change to her dad's surname and my youngest is determined she wants to keep my name.
So sometimes it can cause a bit of an issue. Not that it really matters but I'd like my children to have the same surname.
Obviously in OPs case this isn't a problem but sometimes it's better to have the same name. Although there's no reason why the woman should give up her name.

Chickychickydodah · 13/01/2020 08:36

Can you make it double barrelled?

dellacucina · 13/01/2020 08:38

Yabu

crestedrobin · 13/01/2020 08:40

So if he changed his name to hers as everyone's suggesting, the child would have a different name to both of them. Surely the mother should have given the child her name from the start, knowing she didn't think his name went with her's.....then all this drama could have been prevented.

Findumdum1 · 13/01/2020 08:42

YABU and horribly out of step with modern society.

ReturnofSaturn · 13/01/2020 08:44

You could change yours and your daughters to her name.

DuMondeB · 13/01/2020 08:48

Yes.

SeaViewBliss · 13/01/2020 08:51

You are marrying the woman you love. You have a child together. Why in earth does it matter what her last name is? She’ll still be your wife.

SVRT19674 · 13/01/2020 08:52

Love my husband to bits. Wouldn't take his surname or anyone else's for that matter. If it's so important to you, change yours.