AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

[confusedandsleepy]

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

Even if this turns out to be a troll OP, MNHQ, I hope you don't take it down, because there's a lot of good analysis of this 'tradition' on here.

Yanbu to want it - but you should've kept it to yourself or perhaps asked her once politely for her thoughts.

Yabu to try to get her to do what you want or expect her to when she's made her wishes clear.

Overall yabu.

Easiest solution is you to change yours as you don’t have a problem with name- changing per se . Sorted .

Only unreasonable if you wouldn't consider taking hers. Have you offered?
any people nowadays are hyphenating Hers-His or inventing a hybrid or choosing something totally new. Have you raised this possibility?

MN is it's own universe. Only one person I've known has kept their own surname. Everyone else changes their last name.

LOL @ OP to think they (he!?) could post this on here and expect support.

Thank goodness for MN then Katherine, so refreshing to escape the 1950s for a while

KatherineJaneway, most (not all - prob about 70%) women I know either changed or double-barrelled (I did the latter), but that's not really the point - the point is that this woman doesn't want to change. Your post is perilously close to 'it's the done thing'.

YA absolutely U

My husband, son and I have the same surname, we hyphenated both of our names when we got married and our son was given that name when he was born. Penis doesn't equal privilege.

Only one person I've known has kept their own surname

Wow, I thought men nearly always kept theirs.

Yes you are
You could always change yours if it bothers you having different ones

YABVU. It’s not up to you to say what your wife’s name will be. If it’s so important to you to have the same name, change yours. If you don’t feel happy about doing that, ask yourself why.

YABVU

And it's a shame she didn't give her child her own surname as well as yours.

@KatherineJaneway that's funny almost all of the married women I know of my generation, either kept their own name or both husband and wife double barreled (keeping unmarried names at work), the only exception is a woman I know who hated her surname and was glad to be shot of it. If you have success and standing in one name (professional reputation, published material, royal honours in one case) why would you walk away from that name and identity?

I wonder if OP will return

YABU

Gr8 b8 OP 👍

YANBU for feeling a bit upset, you would be being very unreasonable for asking her to change her mind.

I kept my surname and have a different surname to my kids. Guess what? No one cares. My name is my name. End of story. I didn’t want to change it and my husband was mature enough to accept it without question

But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

Easily solved. Take hers.

I took my DH's surname but it was more because of convenience (mine was pretty difficult to pronounce and constantly a problem).
I didn't see it as a must. Change yours to hers or hyphenate.
And don't forget to wash your furry feet and put some conditioner on them for the wedding.

You were really very silly to ask this question on Mumsnet. What answers did you think you'd get?

Fwiw, I can understand your point of view, but also your wife's. I never even considered keeping my maiden name (I'm pretty traditional and, like you, for me it's all part of marriage) but I was surprised how weird I felt about it for a long time. We've been married 3 years but it wasn't until recently (and since having children) that I've felt really comfortable with my new name.

It's a really personal thing to change, and for a long time does feel like you have given up your own identity and family to be swallowed up by someone else's.

YANBU in feeling the way you do, you have a right to want her to have the same name. However, YABU to try and force her if she doesn’t want to, it’s her choice.

I chose my name (completely changed it a few years ago), my son has my surname, as he is adopted identity is a huge issue so changing his name is completely out of the question. My partners knows because of that me changing my name simply isn’t an option, if we get married in the future (and I hope we do) I would like it if he took our name, but if he chooses not to it wouldn’t be a problem.

You really should have attached a poll to your post 😀