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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

256 replies

confusedandsleepy · 13/01/2020 02:12

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 15:40

Well, find me an equivalent to the bizarrely frequently used 'maiden name'

Why should I? The point is that it is not "ickle girl starter name"

SoupDragon · 13/01/2020 15:43

How was that the only choice? It’s never the only choice.

That's not the point. The point is that you are deliberately missing off e part where she explained that she didn't want her dad's surname because she didn't have a good relationship with him. You twisted what she said.

Anyway, this is a troll thread and I"m out. It is no one's business but their own what surname they choose to use and anyone who judges someone for their choice is an arse.

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 16:06

she explained that she didn't want her dad's surname because she didn't have a good relationship with him

And yet she seemingly did nothing to change it the minute she legally could. 🤔

MulticolourMophead · 13/01/2020 16:11

I have to agree with NeedAnExpert, it wasn't the only choice.

Could have taken her mum's maiden name, chosen s new one entirely, there are plenty of options.

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 16:12

Why should I? The point is that it is not "ickle girl starter name"

That's pretty much exactly what it is, otherwise it would simply be referred to as a woman's name. The OP on the other thread running about this to which this is obviously a troll response talked about feeling humiliated at seeing a title that marked her as unmarried in her forties displayed on the screen in her GP waiting room. Unmarried adult men don't have a title equivalent to 'Miss'.

kerrynov7 · 13/01/2020 16:24

I got married to my husband 8 years ago. I took his surname as it's tradition/we are pretty old school I guess. I wouldn't have even considered not changing it.
I understand why you're upset, I probably would be as well. It's always been 'just what you do' and for me, part of the excitement of getting married was taking my husbands surname.

I don't believe your feelings are unreasonable, but if she doesn't want to change her name then that's up to her. If I were a man (presuming you are OP) then I wouldn't want to take on my wife's surname though.
Could you all go double-barrelled? Could be a reasonable compromise.

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 16:29

'kerrynov7, you say

for me, part of the excitement of getting married was taking my husbands surname

but yet

If I were a man (presuming you are OP) then I wouldn't want to take on my wife's surname though

Do explain why a man wouldn't be giggling with anticipatory glee at the 'excitement' of taking his wife's name on marriage.

FramingDevice · 13/01/2020 16:31

Sorry, that was to @kerrynov7.

Sonichu · 13/01/2020 16:58

"Do explain why a man wouldn't be giggling with anticipatory glee at the 'excitement' of taking his wife's name on marriage."

Because it's every woman's ambition to be married and if you're Mrs Somebody that means you're better than all those Miss Nobodies, obviously.

Topseyt · 13/01/2020 17:09

Kerrynov7, what a load of utter and complete bollocks.

CosmoK · 13/01/2020 17:19

Kerrynov7 women giving up work when they got married was also 'just what you did' in the not so distant path. That's not a great reason tbh.

acatcalledjohn · 13/01/2020 17:19

It's always been 'just what you do'

And that makes those traditions right because...?

Sn0tnose · 13/01/2020 17:24

She’s promising to love, honour and cherish you. Why does she need to have a different name to do that? Do you think her vows will mean less if she doesn’t change her name? Or are you worried that people will think less of you? Like your wife didn’t love you enough to take your surname?

It's always been 'just what you do' and for me, part of the excitement of getting married was taking my husbands surname. Seriously? What’s exciting about people calling you by someone else’s surname? I’m so glad it’s becoming less and less ‘just what you do’ and that more women are rejecting the notion that you’re somehow less married if you keep your own name.

As an aside, I know lots of women who very much regret changing their names on marriage and none who have either changed their name later on or regret not changing.

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 17:25

Lying back and thinking of whatever when toys husband wanted sex? Not being allowed to have bank accounts. Asking for housekeeping money. All things that were “just what you did” and all rightly now legislated against.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/01/2020 17:28

What's the big deal about needing someone to take your surname unless you see a spouse as a possession?

I didn't take DH's name, never will. I love him and hope to spend my life with him. Doesn't mean I belong to him any more than I belonged to my Dad. Ridiculous thing to fall out about.

echt · 13/01/2020 19:57

OP, your wife would not be taking your name, you would be taking hers.

Hers would be the name that disappears, gets taken.

Sherazade · 13/01/2020 19:59

Brave first post.

MulticolourMophead · 13/01/2020 20:14

If you pay attention to the marriage ceremony, nowhere is it said that the woman takes the man's name. The name isn't even referenced anywhere, including on the marriage certificate. The woman is on the marriage certificate in her maiden name, signs with her maiden name, etc. Changing the name is implied, nothing more. It's not an important part at all.

TooManyPaws · 13/01/2020 20:18

In Scotland, your birth name remains your legal name unless you change it by deed poll. You can also call yourself what you like without deed poll unless it is for illegal purposes. A married name is just another legal alias, hence so many women appearing in legal papers as Jane Smith or Brown, and in death notices as Jane Smith, wife of John Brown. Married names are relatively new in society, following the English fashion in the 19th century on. Different names have caused no problem in legal or social circles for centuries so that's not an argument, neither did mothers having different names from their children.

I made sure that my mother was buried under her own name, followed by "wife of" before my father's details. As I said, it's caused no legal or social problems for centuries.

ButterflyRuns · 13/01/2020 20:20

YABU, It's her choice at the end of the day. I wanted to keep my last name & take my husband's name so I double barrelled it and have no regrets.

Dolorabelle · 13/01/2020 21:38

But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname

So you take hers, @confusedandsleepy

VestaTilley · 13/01/2020 23:05

YABVU and old fashioned. If you want you all to have the same surname then you can take hers.

I didn't take DH's name when we married, and DS has both our surnames hyphenated to be his surname.

Taking your husband's surname is a ludicrous practice in my view.

StoneofDestiny · 13/01/2020 23:21

Cobblers - I'd not change my name if I didn't want to.

eaglejulesk · 15/01/2020 18:40

All the people who are so intent on keeping "their" surname - you do realise that it is actually your father's name, and your grandfather's before him etc etc, so not YOURS at all. What a bloody storm in a teacup people make over it. If someone wants to change their name to their husband's they should not be subject to vitriol from people who think they shouldn't.

PortiaCastis · 15/01/2020 18:44

Rubbish! My name is my Mother's not my Father's so I'm keeping it when I marry at Easter
There are a lot of babies born from sperm donors that'll never know their Father's name anyway

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