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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

256 replies

confusedandsleepy · 13/01/2020 02:12

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

OP posts:
SummerPavillion · 13/01/2020 07:35

I think it would be really beneficial if men who feel this way could have a very hard think about why they feel it...

GetOffTheTableMabel · 13/01/2020 07:35

@confusedandsleepy I took my husband’s surname and I rather regret it now. I didn’t like it as much as a name but I took it for precisely the reasons you describe. He had a 15 year old dd and I wanted to take it because I thought it somehow sealed the deal and made us a family unit. (I should add that he would have been entirely happy for me to keep my own name). Utter nonsense. We went on 2 have 2 dds of our own and I think it would have been a much better example to them and dsd if I had retained the name I preferred instead of subscribing to an outdated patriarchal tradition. We would have been no less a family.
I do truthfully tell people that I did not actually take my husband’s name. I took my stepdaughter’s name, because that is the genuine reason for the change.

mummyway · 13/01/2020 07:36

Yabu. If its so important you all have the same surname then your daughter and yourself can surely change your surnames to match.
It is very unreasonable to expect someone to change their name, their identity whilst you change nothing.

Shoxfordian · 13/01/2020 07:36

Yabu
I didn't change my name when I got married, doesn't make us less married or less in love, but I like my surname and I don't want to change it.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/01/2020 07:37

The wife changing her name is very culturally specific, it’s not usual in my husband’s culture for example.

I didn’t change mine. I didn’t become someone else when I married so I didn’t need a new name nor do I need to be badged as my DH’s belonging.

missmouse101 · 13/01/2020 07:38

Yanbu to want it, but honestly, it really isn't a big deal at all if she prefers not to take it.

B0bbin · 13/01/2020 07:41

Loads of people I know have kept their own surnames and marriages are going just fine. It shouldn't be the most important thing!

PlumsGalore · 13/01/2020 07:42

Yanbu as others have said to want it but you are totally being unreasonable to expect it.

It is now 2020, seriously had I not been married 30 years already I wouldn’t now, I don’t belong to my husband.

SummerPavillion · 13/01/2020 07:43

The time you can really regret changing surname is after divorce. I've had people ask if I'm going to stop using "his" surname. After 20 years of it being my name!

Painful to one's identity (especially if you didn't want the marriage to end Sad )

emilybrontescorsett · 13/01/2020 07:43

Yabu.

Sumsuch · 13/01/2020 07:45

Yabu

velocitygirl7 · 13/01/2020 07:45

Op if you'd like you and your wife to have the same surname, why not take hers? That's what my dh did. Problem solved!

NeedAnExpert · 13/01/2020 07:47

How much time have you spent in your lifetime considering changing your name?

Back off. It’s a hideously sexist tradition and your future wife’s name is nobody’s business but hers.

CoffeeAndCarbs · 13/01/2020 07:51

I'm married and didn't change my surname. It didn't feel right to me. My name is my name, it's part of my identity and I didn't want to change it.

I'm expecting a baby now and it will have both mine and DHs surnames, double-barrelled.

MCBerberLoop · 13/01/2020 07:51

YABU. Change to hers, obviously. If you have a problem with this then obviously she has the right to have the same problem with changing hers. HTH

Glitterfisher · 13/01/2020 07:51

YANBU to want this, it is lovely all having the same surname but YWBU to force the issue.

@KatherineJaneway I feel the same as you, I know of 1 person who kept their surname but only because she hates doing admin stuff so couldnt be bothered, I know one who double barrelled hers and the DCs (her DH kept his as it was) and one couple who both double barrelled theirs. I have a large circle of friends ranging from 20s-60s so it's definitely not a generation thing either. There may be one or two at work but not a high % for sure, some people leave it for ease professionally but they change their name outside.

I find that people seem to have more of an issue on MN towards those who do change their name than those who don't. It really doesnt affect anyone else either way but it definitely seems to be a subject that gets MN upset.

MintyMabel · 13/01/2020 07:52

If it’s so important to you, then take her name.

YikesFeelSoStressed · 13/01/2020 07:52

Why don't you take her surname?

madcatladyforever · 13/01/2020 07:52

That's a bit old fashioned don't you think? You are asking her to give up her entire identity, I kept my own name through two marriages and my son has my surname.
This is 2020 mate, women don't want to be OfWarren anymore.

Pardonwhat · 13/01/2020 07:53

Yikes. Yabu.
Old sexist, out-dated and unwarranted tradition. If someone wants to change their name - fine. But to be upset by her liking her perfectly good surname is silly.
As is your daughter automatically having your name after your partner carried her for 9 months.
I always think double-barrelling is a good way around it for legal documents. Then, say at the airport, no one would challenge either of you for travelling with DD.

sparkle67 · 13/01/2020 07:53

Ya I. It's her choice.

I'm getting married this year and I'm double barrelling my name.

My partners surname sounds awful with my first name, plus my father passed away a couple of years ago and only had two daughters, I want to carry on his name, it's also a very traditional welsh surname and I love it Smile it's her name she can choose and also you could take her name, I've mentioned this to my partner & he was ok with it!

DoTheNextRightThing · 13/01/2020 07:53

YABU. You can be disappointed all you want, but it's her choice. It's her name that would be changing, not yours. So you don't get a say. I won't be taking my partner's surname if we get married. It's a nice name, but it's his name - not mine. I have a name.

sparkle67 · 13/01/2020 07:54

*YABU

Glitterfisher · 13/01/2020 07:55

I have also been divorced but to be honest I would have just changed my surname back to my maiden name without a thought but I ended up meeting current DH soon after and we knew we'd get married and have DCs so I just changed it straight to his.

In RL this really doesnt bother the majority of people and also the people I know/have met don't get that bothered about school or whoever getting it wrong if they have different surnames etc.

Bakedbrie · 13/01/2020 07:56

Been happily married for 25 years got two grown up kids,
I’ve my DH, love his name, but only just got round to taking his surname.....my perogative! Get over this OP.