AIBU for wanting my wife-to-be to take my surname?

[confusedandsleepy]

Hi all, I know I'm new here, but me and my wife to be wanted a bit of outside help.

We are due to get married in October and a few days ago my partner told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to take my surname as she wasn't sure if it would sound right. Ever since I proposed I have thought of her with my surname, at first it sounded a bit odd (having known her with her surname and then suddenly the thought of a different surname will obviously sound a bit odd).

This hurt me quite a bit as I wanted her to have the same surname as me and our daughter (our daughter has my surname and it's not the name she has a problem with, it's just that she doesn't think it goes with her first name). But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

AIBU for wanting my partner to take my surname when we get married this year?

YABU

I want to know what happens when two kids with double barrelled surnames get married. Could get messy further down the line.

They seem to manage fine in Spain @eaglejulesk.

I took my husband's name by the way, and still have it even though we have been separated for years. FWIW I don't think YABU, and find it can be rather confusing when family members have different names. However, it is her decision to make and you must abide by whatever she decides.

YABU

@CallaLilli - I'm sure they do, but would you want to have four surnames, then the next generation have eight etc? I've had enough trouble spelling out just one name (my previous name, and now my married name)

Double double barreling can of course work and while it's uncommon, it happens, especially in UC circles.

Why don't you all change your names to her surname. You will then all have the same surname.

OP, if the thought of you changing your name upsets you, or if you have a kneejerk reaction to it, maybe try to articulate why you feel that way (if that is the way you feel).

It doesn't work like that @eaglejulesk, I don't think anyone in Spain has 8 surnames except maybe the very aristocratic!

Are you male or female? I only ask because men often assume their wife will take their surname. One of my same-sex friends double-barrelled their surnames. Another couple I know talked about it and one party took her wife’s surname.

My dad took my mums name. Would that be an option?

But to me, part of getting married is ending up with the same surname.

Yes that’s lovely - so take hers.

Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Nothing like a bit of name calling to add weight to your argument, eh, bbj2019...

Funny that this appeared after a post from a woman who didn't want to take her husbands name after marriage. OP didn't come back either.

I get the thing about wanting the same surname

Yabu to expect her to change. Change yours to hers

Yes

It’s her choice though the it doesn’t sound right answer is a bit flakey in my opinion.

I felt like OP’s fiancée. DH name was a fine name and I was happy for children to have it, but it sounds odd with my first name. However, I did want us to feel like a family unit with the same surname. We have compromised on me changing my name officially on marriage to DH name, which is what is displayed on main page of my passport, however I have also retained my maiden name identity - and a page in the passport declares this: “also known as Popskipiekin Maiden name”. So I haven’t changed any bank account, drivers license, work surname is maiden name. I use DH name for children so just as relates to school correspondence and healthcare. It works for us.

Read and reread Helpfullily's great post, OP.

I think it's a bit odd that you've 'thought of her with [your] surname' since proposing. Why is that (seeming) mark of ownership so important to you? I don't usually think of people I am close to by their surnames.

Is it misojynuary on MN? Does these threads finish after the 31st?

Yes, “it doesn’t sound right” sounds like a cover for the perfectly valid “J don’t want to”.

So the name changing isn’t going how you thought it would. Tough luck. Her choice. Marriage is all about compromise so you need to get over this and move on.

I'm concerned that the OP said We are due to get married in October which implies that the surname issue might be a deal breaker. Is the wedding still on?