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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP wont help with baby

148 replies

girlmummy25 · 17/10/2019 03:44

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone :(

OP posts:

Vilanelle · 17/10/2019 12:44

I think you have bigger problems. You are both the parents and should be providing equal care

LTB

Cam77 · 17/10/2019 13:28

@SprinkleDash
Or just find a partner who doesnt mind getting stuck into boring domestic chores and child care. It might mean having to compromise on other traits though

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2019 13:38

So, OP.

Pretty universal. You're married to a selfish waste-of-space.

This is your life.

What do you want to do?

mindutopia · 17/10/2019 13:48

He is in for quite a wake up call about how parenting small children actually works. Sometimes you don’t really get to sleep and then you have to get up and function the next day.

When you go back to work (and I sure hope you plan to, given the circumstances), you’ll need to get up during the night with your baby/toddler/7 year old. They don’t just magically sleep all night because you’re busy the next day. The the whole ‘I have to work the next day’ excuse doesn’t fly. You’ll have to learn to function at work on less sleep than you’d like (hopefully so will he) and get on with things. Surely, he can manage one night.

My dh and I regularly get up the next day and work very long days after waking up with small dc while the other is away. My dh managed just fine doing nights and working with two of ours while I was on holiday for 3 nights. I’m sure he will survive.

gingersausage · 17/10/2019 17:26

I honestly don’t understand how women put up with this shit.

Like “I’m sleeping in the spare room because he wants the telly”. Why did you accept that? You’ve just had a baby. You get the nice bed. If he wants to watch telly he fucks off to the spare room! Why didn’t you just move the telly? Are you scared of his reaction?

When these men start acting like lazy twats, why are women’s reactions so fucking passive? It used to drive me round the fucking bend when everyone thought my husband walked on water because he parented his babies. Not once did anyone tell me how amazing I was for washing bottles or wearing a sling. Why are people’s standards so damn low?

MyStory3 · 17/10/2019 17:28

Jesus, me and DP are still sharing out the night wakes 15 months later (both up at 6am for work), and DD wakes twice most nights. We alternate every night

20viona · 17/10/2019 17:46

It takes two to make a child therefore it takes two to raise a child.
He's a selfish sod.

Original poster

girlmummy25 · 17/10/2019 17:58

Update - he has finally agreed to have baby all night.
Im still fuming though over the argument this has caused and shown how much he isnt willing to do.
My DP just point blanked refused to leave our bedroom so I had to choose between him waking us or us going elsewhere.
I told him in the arguement that im unsure i want to still be with him after all this.
I cant leave our house though so would mean still living there. Again, he would refuse to move out and so would I

OP posts:

SprinkleDash · 17/10/2019 18:05

@Cam77 Or just find a partner who doesnt mind getting stuck into boring domestic chores and child care. It might mean having to compromise on other traits though

This site has proved time and time again this is not a reliable strategy. Men can do and say all the right things before children but doesn’t count for much once baby arrives.

Breathlessness · 17/10/2019 18:05

I’d cut the plug off the tv.

MintyMabel · 17/10/2019 19:26

but agree with PP that it’s currently a ‘short term’ issue in a long relationship.

I must have missed the memo that said making sacrifices for your children was a short term thing.

The sleepless nights might be short(ish) term, but what will be the next thing he refuses to give up in order to be a parent?

Pippinsqueak · 17/10/2019 19:45

How old is he? He sounds like a child.

He needs to get his ass out of your bedroom and take the tv with him if that's an issue and you stay in the comfy bed with your baby!

I have a nine month old and she is breast fed but my husband helped out for the first few months with night times where he would change the nappy whilst I got ready to feed her.

Sounds very peculiar

FizzyGreenWater · 17/10/2019 22:10

Try smashing his fucking tv to pieces.

Do you trust him to care for her properly when you go out?

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2019 00:59

Is your house owned or rented? One or both names?

Unless there is a radical change you need to start making plans.

GunpowderGelatine · 18/10/2019 01:23

Your title should read "DP is neglecting his child's basic needs" - men don't 'help' with their own children

Johnsonsfiat · 18/10/2019 10:41

This man is a millstone.

Biancadelrioisback · 18/10/2019 12:08

OP, do you have a good relationship with your mum? Could going there for a trail separation work? I wouldn't even fight him for the house. He is selfish enough to let both you and baby suffer so he gets his own way. Honestly, I wouldn't view it as "losing" because ultimately you "win" by not being with him. If your mum is prepared to have her overnight on the odd occasion you've already for infinitely more freedom than you do now.

Also, I'd be wary that he purposely does a really bad job of looking after her so you feel like you can't go out again. Can you honestly trust him to be a decent (not even a good) parent to her? Hand on heart? Will he settle her? Hold her if she cries? Interact with her? Or will he let her suffer to prove a point? Will he just put her in the small room overnight and do as he wants? Ignore her?

Lilymossflower · 18/10/2019 12:40

He won't be ABLE to look after baby for a night on his own ! He has shown he is a lazy twat who dousnt care about his own baby's needs or his partners needs for assistance in the 2 person job of raising a child.

Honestly he will most likely stay like this forever.
You are essentially single mothering already except you have to put up with an adult child also.

Mephisto · 18/10/2019 12:49

OP, it’s not reasonable to have the TV on in a bedroom when one person wants to go to sleep.

I would have moved the TV out and got in bed.

Are you scared of him at all? It sounds like there’s a power imbalance in this relationship.

Motoko · 18/10/2019 15:28

He'd soon move out of the bedroom, if the baby keeps waking him. You and baby will be waking up anyway, so putting up with the tv being on for a few days would be worth it.

So, because he won't move out, you're going to carry on living like this? Don't be a martyr. If the house is in both your names, you can force a sale. Shame you didn't get married before having DC, it would have made things easier.

Original poster

girlmummy25 · 22/05/2020 11:18

@greygemini

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 22/05/2020 11:22

Hey OP what’s the update on this now?

Windyatthebeach · 22/05/2020 11:22

Are you OK op?

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