DP wont help with baby

[girlmummy25]

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone :(

Your latest update is absolute bullshit. His daughter will grow up with no bond with her father - of course he has to run away to his parents' house that night too! I'm so angry on your behalf. He needs a wake-up call. If he were to disappear tomorrow, money aside presumably, can you think of any impact it would actually have on you and the baby?

My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

This is worrying, so he makes his wife and newborn sleep in a small pokey spare room because he wants to watch telly (and won't go in the spare room), and now he is 'not letting' your mum even though he isn't willing to let you go out. Honestly, going out and having some time to yourself if you're comfortable with it can make the world of difference, he is being unbelievably selfish, especially as you have offered a solution. By the sound of it it's just controlling, it's not like he is saying he doesn't want to spend time away from DD, just all about what he wants.

Did he want the baby? I only ask because my xDH was like this and he was not sure he was ready for one but I gave him an ultimatum after 2 years, so we had DS. He did absolutely nothing for them as babies - no nappies, no feeds, no night waking. As children I can't remember a single occasion when he took them anywhere on his own. And because I felt guilty for pushing him in to it I let him get away with it.

Now they are grown they have a pretty poor relationship with him: they resent him for his lack of interest but he is terminally self-centred and things will not change for him.

My point is - does he want to be a father or not? Sounds like he doesn't, but if he does you will be doing your DD and him a world of good getting him to step up and play his part.

Agree with everyone saying you aren't asking him to "help", you are asking him to be a parent. If he's not prepared to be a bloody parent then he should not have had a child.

YANBU. He's an immature dick and is laying the groups for an extremely poor relationship with his child. Not to mention an extremely poor relationship with you.

My DH was pretty useless at nights with DS1. He was only forced into it when DS2 arrived.

However he pulled his weight during the day. In particular, I didn't bath DS1 for months and months, because I refused to. I made it DH's thing.

Your DH does not sound like he's interested at all

Does he play with the baby?

I disagree that he won't be able to care for baby properly while you are out. He is her father, probably competent and will step up cos he will have to

Why do you think this? There's often postscon here where useless fathers are neglectful of their children in order to punish their mother or to ensure they don't get asked to step up again. It's a thing.

My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

Fuck that, he doesn't get to say he won't do anything and then refuse the help that YOU are offered. Do you really want this for you and your DC OP? Go to your mum's with baby, get ready there for the night out, kiss mum and baby goodnight and have a cracking night out with your friends and then sleep there after, and every other night too until you and DC get your own home.

So what is your next move? Tolerate this shitty attitude or get him telt?

Have you really tested his threats though OP? He says he won't do night wakings but would be actually just ignore her if she wakes up?

To all those suggesting break up, I think you’re mad. Their baby is just 4.5 months old. It’s a relatively short term problem thus far. Yes, the partner needs to change his ways and take on a reasonable share of tasks, but considering a break up when a young child is involved should surely be the last step, not the first.

He sounds dreadful. Your mum has offered to have your DD the night your going out and he says no as he is taking her to his DP so you have to come home and do the night feed. You sleep in a spare room with your baby. This is acceptable to you? His life hasn’t changed since having a baby but your s certainly has as he is now showing you who he is.

It’s like he didn’t realise that pregnancy leads to a baby!

I have a four year old, he wakes up every night at around 5am without fail, I’m a single parent, I work in a fairly stressful job that needs a sharp mind so I don’t cock up, I’ve survived.

Not only is he treating you like shit, but he will show your little one how women should be treated by their parents. She will grow up learning that mums are told what to do by dads and it’s likely she’ll then accept that behaviour in a relationship.

An adult shouldn’t need to be told to care for their own child, personally this would be relationship ending for me.

I can't believe people are suggestion OP alters her night out because it might mean her DP has to be up past midnight for ONE NIGHT!

Your second post is quite worrying OP. Don't let him dictate your life. You are not Cinderella- do not be forced home for midnight. What will he do if you are not home? Are you scared of his reaction? You need to go on this night out and come home when you are ready, not when he commands. If he keeps on about being home on time take baby to your mums and go to your night out from there. Do not allow him to take your independence.

As far as the spare room goes, I'd be making it mine. Move your stuff, redecorate, get a good bed etc. Explain to your family anyone who asks that you do not share a room as he refuses to parent your joint child. Let the folks arou d you support you if he wont, dont hide his refusals from them. Your mum can already see his attitude if she is offering to cover your night out. She can see you need to do this.

OP, your “D”H is either a lazy damn arsehole, or he’s abusive and trying to groom you into never having a night out, while doing all the parenting as well

Based on the subsequent posts from OP, he is the latter. OP, I would start squirreling money away and planning your exit. Your 'D'H sounds horrendeous.

My God what a totally selfish twatty man you have there. I would be telling him to pull his weight or I'm moving out. Not even willing to turn the TV off in the bedroom is such a shitty thing to do. Does he care at all about you and the baby?

Isn’t it funny that the night your going out he is running off to his parents with his DD. Scared of doing a bit of parenting.... or a bit of a look at me being a great dad looking after my own DC. As he is unable to parent his own DC after midnight and he has told you this. I would be informing him that your taking your DD to your mums as you trust that she will look after her and more importantly you can have a well deserved night out without worrying. time to take back some control. Have you spoken to your mum about how he is behaving and your sleeping arrangement? I would be horrified if my DD came home and told me that

One night won't kill him. I can't believe people are suggesting you change your plans. Having a baby means you're tired and have to deal with less sleep. This applies whether you work or not. It's part of the deal! While on mat leave understandably the mum takes the brunt of this but ti doesn't mean dads get a free pass.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space - clearly he'd rather you didn't got out so he can continue living like he's single and childless 24/7. What a selfish man

He sounds like a complete and utter waste of space

Take the baby to your mum’s for the night and enjoy a much needed break. Then, go stay with your mum for a few nights. You need a breather from his shit.

How the fuck do people like him justify their attitude?
Not even to you but to himself.

So fucking shitty

Given your further updates I retract my ‘are you sure he’s not just nervous’ comments - he sounds thoroughly disinterested and I would be livid.

Part of me wants to say ‘LTB’ but agree with PP that it’s currently a ‘short term’ issue in a long relationship. Equally IF you leave DP then you will be doing everything alone. You’ll essentially give him the out (and ability to carry on his normal life) that he may be looking for. Sometimes I read posts and think ‘that guy wants to be left’ and I do wonder it your DP is one. He won’t be ‘the bad guy’ and leave you with a small baby but equally is doing ZERO to help!

I would move yourself into the spare room. Then sit down with a note pad and very firmly lay out the ‘terms’ of your parenting.

DD is your FT job whilst on Maternity leave.
DP has his regular FT job.
When he clocks off for the day - so do you and you become equal parents!
You need ‘a rest from your stressful day’ JUST as much as he does.
There is the evening shift (home from work-midnight) and the night shift (midnight-8am) before you both have to be back up and at it!
He can pick whichever he prefers (time to himself in the evening - OR a solid nights sleep) however, if he doesn’t fulfil his end of the agreement you won’t fulfil yours!

(Meaning is he says he’ll take DD for the evening but then doesn’t - he can expect screaming DD to appear in his bedroom at 3am 😬).

The weekends are also to be split - Either he has DD on Friday OR Saturday night - meaning you BOTH get one lie in!

Just drive home to him that maternity leave replaces your FT job and does not mean DD is 100% your responsibility anymore than your DH would work 100% of his time with no breaks! Outside of FT hours you are both equally parents.

I don’t think DP will accept this easily or like it - AT ALL
If he’s a TOTAL ass you may even get the ‘so you see DD as work then? What kind of mum does that make you?’ 😡
Do not let this man child shrug off his responsibilities it’s not fair on you x

OP you need to put your foot down now.

Take your DD to your mums this time.

Then going forward for 3 evenings a week can you go elsewhere for a couple of hours and leave him with DD on his own? That way he will have to step up and parent. He then cannot just run off to his parents every time.

Lots of men I've worked with over the years and even one of my SILs ensured they worked in the evenings forcing their partners to step up and parent. Funny thing is most of the men, while initially wary, admitted how happy they had that time on their own with their DC.

What a prick. Not only doesn he do nothing for his own child but he doesn't even let you sleep in your own bed!

Fuck that. Honestly, you don't need this arsehole lording it over you. LTB.

Your updates make it absolutely clear that he is being a selfish twat. He doesn't want you to be able to go out and have a proper night out. He is refusing both easy options (him looking after DD until after midnight or DD going to your mum's). He has decided that you are not allowed ONE night out.

Alarm bells should be ringing.