DP wont help with baby

[girlmummy25]

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone :(

My mind is boggling at all these people who can't cope with ONE short night sleep and are in agreement with your husband that you can't have one late night out.

Everyone I know can function perfectly well after an isolated poor night's sleep.

Why can’t he do night wakings at the weekend when OP is there, why would he only have to do them when she isn’t?

DS was ebf so DH couldn’t help with feeding but did pretty much 100% of baths if he was home in time from work, it was his bonding time.

When DS was very little DH would get up at night if I was struggling to settle DS after a feed, so I could get some rest before the next feed. It is called being a parent and being part of a team.

Did he actually want children and do his fair share of the house stuff before having them?

What is actually the point of him? I bet he doesn't do anything around the house either

Made a rod for your own back when you let him believe that he doesn't need to do nights because he works.

He isn't helping you by looking after his kid. At the end of the day, if/when you work,regardless of how your kid sleeps, you will be getting up and then going to work. The baby will not allow him settle then by that point because they are accustomed to you.

You need to draw a line today and tell him how it will be from now on. He is expected to do 50% of the work all the time he is home. Day and night. That's the only way you'll get him responding more like a parent. At the moment, he is a neighbour to your child. Not a parent.

Well he needs to start doing more for sure and I don't think it would kill him to do the night feed on a Thursday given he’ll only have one day at work before the weekend. Not that you should have to, but can you sweeten the deal (just in this instance) by giving him a lie in on the Saturday if does the night feed Thursday? I only suggest that for your benefit because then you can relax and enjoy your night out because it sounds like it's well deserved. You need a serious conversation about him in general though. My dh was more hands on than yours but still not to the points where I felt it was fair and a year in I felt horribly resentful. He did get much better but only after things got pretty bad between us. I wish I'd spoken up sooner and not let the resentment grow. You're doing a job after all. I mean people pay nannies to do what you do but they don't expect their nanny to work 24 hours a day which is essentially what your dh is expecting of you!

So your babies other parent isn't parenting her and will neglect her if it deprives him of sleep? He's a selfish wanker. Maybe re think the relationship, he won't get any less selfish.

With the work and sleep thing, if you are planning on going back to work after maternity leave, as a lot of babies still aren't sleeping through at 1 (although probably won't need feeding but may need soothing etc); will be help out then? Or will he expect you to do it. One night past midnight won't hurt, assuming he works a normal working week it will just be one day he is in anyway.

My DH, was like this no night feeds, no nappies, no baths, no cleaning, no cooking, nothing really.
I had two under two and he wouldn’t even help if I was bringing the shopping in, after doing a weekly shop with children.

I divorced him. After years of simmering resentment. Nip it in the bud.

I would worry he wouldn’t care for her properly when you went out!

And that’s probably want he wants. That way the OP won’t want to go out or will definitely be back “on time” as per his instructions.

He’s worried about going to work after one night’s broken sleep?
Poor lickle diddums!
I was widowed with two babies. I went to work after any amount of broken nights. My job? I was a bloody hospital doctor!
OP, your “D”H is either a lazy damn arsehole, or he’s abusive and trying to groom you into never having a night out, while doing all the parenting as well.
As said by PPs, stop calling it “helping”. He’s not a helper, he’s a parent. And he should start parenting or leave. Ultimatum time.

*Yabu

I think that his idea of looking after her until midnight is reasonable.

If she is a poor sleeper and you are on maternity sleep then you are more able to rest and take the next day more easily.
*

She's asking for one night out in six months! Seriously do you think ONE night is unacceptable?

He's not done a night feed in two months, that's outrageous in itself.

But hey he doesn't want a small thing like a child making any changes to his lifestyle does he??

OP, he is not 'helping'. 'Help' is completely the wrong way to look at it. Do you also 'help' with your DD? She is the child of both of you and so both of you shoud be taking equal responsibility to care for her.

I would leave him. Even if you have a serious conversation about him doing his bit for DD. Because how can you move past that? Having to have a conversation with someone to ask them to look after their own child?

Listen to @Babdoc she's talking a lot of sense!

This men can't 'help' at night bollocks because they have to work the next day really pisses me off. For my first three babies, I was working again after 3 months, somehow I managed to do this and breastfeed at night without work falling apart. Call out his bollocks and tell him he's a parent 24 hours a day the same as you.

Even if the OP is on maternity leave, that doesn't mean she's solely responsible for parenting the baby 24/7, whilst DP gets to do an 8 hr work day.

DP needs to step up and take more responsibility not less. OP, start organising more activities outside the home so DP has to look after the baby more frequently. I hope he's not one of those dads that automatically drops the child at his mum's when he's supposed to be parenting her?

I’m not gonna say LTB or similar as you have a small baby and YOU know deep down whether this is ok or not.

Is he disinterested or is he maybe unsure/nervous. My DH has had ZERO exposure to babies (outside his job - Dr) he understands their biology but has no idea how to hold/cuddle/be relaxed with one.

We have a very snuggly cat who DH adores but he will literally hold him like he’s picking up a bag of potatoes in Asda 😒🙄
When I talk to him about having our baby (due March) he’s so excited but it sounds like he’s focusing entirely on when they’re less breakable toddlers (Playing in the garden, going on days out...etc) and I think he’s counting on me getting them through the baby stage 🤔

Similar has happened with several of our friends, lovely couples both equally enthused about being parents but dad has struggled with the ‘baby stage’ and mum has gotten frustrated! Is he enforcing time limits because he doesn’t care and wants to sleep, or because he’s nervous about being left alone over night.

My DH told me the other day (after spending a few weeks on the labour ward working with the midwives 😂) how biologically babies bond/want mum in a TOTALLY amazing way during the first 6 months (specifically BF babies) and no matter how great or eager dad is he’ll still be ‘the other one - with useless nipples’ - it was very funny the way he said it but I could see him thinking ‘I’m just going to be a disappointment’

IF your DH is genuinely just lazy and disinterested (these men exist) then kick him to the curb!!! But maybe have an open conversation first about how he feels towards DD/concerns.

Hmmmm I get what he means about work although I'm sure one night wouldn't kill him

Really? You think this (presumably) grown adult has never been up past midnight because of work the next day?

He is a apprentice and should act like it. Whining “I have to go to work” makes him a shitty father.

If you're not experienced with babies and are about to have a baby, you go get some experience with babies. You don't sit back and say "mums have the magic touch", that's bullshit. What if mum dies or has a psychotic break after the birth? Will the baby go into care?

I remember a student of mine had a younger sibling and that happened to her. She just cracked immediately after the birth and had to go to an inpatient psychiatric ward without the baby. Her partner,my students stepfather, couldn't look after the baby and told staff as much so it was taken into care. He thought they would keep it in NICU until she was better. She did get better and get baby home but I think that was about 4 months after birth.

I went back to work full-time when DS was five months - and getting up with him at least twice in the night EVERY night if he woke because he was still breastfeeding at that time. DH did what he could.

OP, your partner's excuse of not being able to get up in the night ONCE if needed because he's got work the next day is ridiculous. Lots of men and women do it. Her needs to step up and parent with you.

Yeah im currently on maternity leave but every night im in spare room with baby because he wants to sleep with the TV on and I cant sleep with it on and he disturbs me and baby.
He refused to go in small spare room so I have. Weve done this for the last 6 weeks.
So its not like the baby disturbs him at any point of any night whatsoever so i thought one night wouldnt hurt him.

He expects me to be home and do any night wakings after midnight. She doesnt really wake properly before midnight just might need her dummy put in once or twice.
She then might wake for a feed and admittedly she will be wide awake for about an hour n half but then no more feeds.
I said id take her from 5am but he wont even have that.

Weve been together 7 years and tried for DD for 8 months. I never thought he would be this unhelpful.

I dont think its a confidence this because shes not hard to settle shes just awake.
My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

My daughter is 17 months and I still getup with her in the night for an occasional breastfeed. I also miraculously manage to get up everyday between 6 and 7 to go to work on 3 or 4 hours' sleep. That vagina I have must really help.

What does he think working single parents do when their children need someone in the night? Or couples that both work?

Your H is a sexist, lazy shit. Babdoc has the best post on this thread, show him it. Ultimatum and if no improvement get rid. What is the point in him if he does nothing? You're doing it alone anyway, at least living alone you won't have aggro from him too.

I forgot to mention that he works for himself.
Its not often he absolutely has to be at for 8am. He could quite easily leave the house at 10am or later for this one day.
He does work saturdays too but again, he doesnt absolutely have to.

My DH was like this with our almost one year old when he was a small baby. He was EBF so DH said he felt a little redundant because DS wanted me for comfort when he was upset. He also thinks I’m amazingly speedy at Nappy changes and dressing him so would prefer I do it for that reason alone.

He has improved over time, now DS doesn’t bawl so much and doesn’t need as much breast milk. Maybe your DP will get better in time too? I think it’s tough for Dad’s, especially if baby’s are BF. I’m assuming yours isn’t but I still think small babies mostly want Mum.