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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wont help with baby

148 replies

girlmummy25 · 17/10/2019 03:44

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone :(

OP posts:
Superlooper · 17/10/2019 09:27

I went back to work when dc was 5.5 months and still had to do all the night feeds. I think he'd manage a night. Hmm

Italiangreyhound · 17/10/2019 09:27

He's missing out on his own child, how sad. I am afraid I would point out to him that the relationship you are laying down with your child now is fundamental and he won't just be able to start showing interest in a few years time when the nappies and feeds are over. Well he will, but it won't be the same.

BreatheAndFocus · 17/10/2019 09:32

He then cannot just run off to his parents every time.

But he very well might...

OP, this sounds horrible. Not just this one night, the whole deal. The TV bit made me reply. My ex did this - wouldn’t be at all inconvenienced by a baby. He also made his parents do lots of his share of the parenting, and still does.

If I had my time again, I’d act differently. Please think hard about what you want, and don’t feel you have to put up with his demands and selfishness.

Take your baby to your mum’s. I would worry he’s incompetent as well as self-centred.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 09:33

YANBU, he's made it clear from everything you've said that you are not important to him, and neither is baby.

What an absolute embarrassment he sounds. Agree that his behaviour is controlling, therefore abusive.

Do you want to live like this?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/10/2019 09:33

He "won't do a night waking" will he not, the bastard?

Good luck to him sleeping through a sobbing screeching infant!

Babies' cries are designed by nature to:

a) wake us up if we are asleep

b) be impossible to ignore

If you really think that he would either ignore her altogether, or even hurt her (God forbid) if he got angry, then you should get out of this relationship now.

If he is just a lazy arse, who will have a face like fizzier because he's had to see to a baby during the night, let him get on with it.

How does he think working mothers manage? There are loads of women (and men) who get up, often several times a night, to attend to a baby, and then go to work the next day.

He's being asked to do this as a one-off.

Verily1 · 17/10/2019 09:36

You need to just leave them alone more- daytime at the weekend.

Tbh though if he’s really that useless I wouldn’t leave him alone at night in case he shakes the baby.

LemonPrism · 17/10/2019 09:37

I think it's reasonable that you be home by midnight. Do you want him asleep at 2am for a 7am start?

The other stuff he can pull his finger out on though

bookwormsforever · 17/10/2019 09:39

If he’s not going to parent then leave him. Please stop referring to it as “helping”. It’s called parenting and you are both equally responsible. Please don’t take this crap from him!!

This, with bells on.

What a useless, selfish shit. After your update - I'm in spare room with baby because he wants to sleep with the TV on and I cant sleep with it on and he disturbs me and baby - he sounds like he's selfish and shit in other areas of your relationship too.

I'd ask your mum to take her overnight as you can't trust him to look after her, and really think about what you want out of life.

ThreeLittleDots · 17/10/2019 09:39

Is it fuck LemonPrism -he works for himself and can start at 10am instead

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/10/2019 09:39

I think it's reasonable that you be home by midnight

Why?

Is she going to turn into a pumpkin? Why should she spend all night worrying about getting home in time for that selfish twat to get his eight hours?

Take the baby to your mam's OP - bugger him and what he wants!

theretheirtheyrenotno · 17/10/2019 09:41

@LemonPrism why? One night in six months, just why would that be an issue?

He also has flexible hours.

Do you really not think that this man is just a lazy entitled controlling arse?

bookwormsforever · 17/10/2019 09:41

I think it's reasonable that you be home by midnight. Do you want him asleep at 2am for a 7am start?

Oh, rubbish, @LemonPrism. OP is an adult. Baby is bf. She can come home whenever the hell she wants.

Didn't you see OP's post? Her h works from home. He can start whatever time he wants.

Plus, people can survive on broken sleep. Even men!! Hmm

Ask OP. She's been doing it for 4 months. Hmm

Gogreen · 17/10/2019 09:46

Whatever you do go BACK to work when maternity leave finishes....trust me, you and your daughter will need the money, as she grows and you love her more and more, it will hurt more and more that he doesn’t care for something that is so precious to your heart, you will start to resent him and it will turn to hate, so you will leave, so make sure you have money for that situation...as you know it’s coming OP!

ActualHornist · 17/10/2019 09:48

It’s amazing how these blokes can cope on five hours sleep when it’s them going out, but when it comes to caring for their own baby it becomes an contentious issue and possible dangerous Hmm

Amazing as well how mothers who go back to work quickly are able and expected to cope but the poor husband needs a full nine hours else he’ll be so fatigued he can’t do anything.

Fuck that. It’s lazy and selfish, particularly when said husband (or partner in this case) thinks nothing of keeping a tv on in the bedroom stopping their partner and child from sleeping!

It’s one night. One. If he was that bothered about his sleep (which he might be but he’s clearly not bothered about his child) then he could go to bed at 9pm. But he won’t because he needs a stick beat OP with.

81Byerley · 17/10/2019 09:49

My friend's husband was like this. I remember her saying "He teaches teenagers...he will be a wonderful father when they are that age." Trouble was, when they were teenagers they didn't want to know.
I agree with the person who said you shouldn't look on it as him "helping" you. By the way, good luck to him with trying to sleep through if you're not there to feed the baby after midnight!

Fundays12 · 17/10/2019 09:54

He isn’t helping you out he is her parent and should be doing more. Although in saying that I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to say he won’t do feeds past midnight when he has work the next day. My 3rd is 12 weeks old and I went back to work 1 day a week when he was 8 weeks old. DH does the feeds all that night as I need to sleep for work. I do the feeds past 11pm the other 5 days he is at work. Dh naturally is a night owl so this works for us. Neither of us think the other should get up during the night if they are working the next day. On a sat night when we are both off we take turns. It’s exhausting but won’t last forever. Your DP should be doing much more in terms of care with his dd though.

OvalCanvas · 17/10/2019 09:55

He's controlling and nasty @girlmummy25 , I've lived this and was far better off , in every way , as a single parent.

timshelthechoice · 17/10/2019 10:08

Get rid of him, you probably won't because 'oh, DP!' but he's a sperm donor. Whatever you do, do not pack in FT work to look after a child with 'DP' unless you fancy years of being treated like a skivvy until he decides he's had enough and, because you're not married and he's self-employed, you wind up in abject poverty as well, with the kids, of course.

CatteStreet · 17/10/2019 10:08

Tbh, the bit about how he won't do anything at home but will while out is all I needed to read. He knows it wouldn't do to be seen to do nothing, he cares what others think of him, but he doesn't care about you (or his dd, frankly) and he will happily dump all the work on you. The night out/his sleep for work etc is a red herring. As far as that goes, though, he's deliberately trying to either stop you going or make it not worth the worry etc if you do go by threatening to neglect his child - his very young baby. OP, that is serious stuff. Think very, very carefully about whether he is suitable, or fit, to stay with and about the messages your daughter will be getting if this continues.

Rainonmyguitar · 17/10/2019 10:11

My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

Why oh why are you allowing him to make all the decisions? Can't he take DD to his parents another evening or drop DD to your mum's after he leaves his parents?

FizzyGreenWater · 17/10/2019 10:12

What a nasty lazy arsehole.

You're even in the spare room because His Majesty demands that absolutely nothing in his spoilt little life changes, even down to having his tv in position at the end of his bed?

I would seriously think about leaving him.

This isn't about caring for a baby - this is about someone showing you quite devastatingly what they are actually like as a person - when the chips are down, this is the kind of partner he is.

Do you want to live your life with a person like this, is the question?

He doesn't even want to get to know or seem to have any care for his baby daughter, let alone feel any responsibility or care and love for you.

I find it hard to believe that before the baby came along he pulled his weight either - this behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere. I'm guessing that so far you've done the bulk of mopping up his shit - it's just now, when the gear has changed, that you're seeing so plainly just how lazy, entitled, selfish and sexist he is.

This will be your life if you stay.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/10/2019 10:17

My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

What?!

Fuck off, is the answer to that!

'That isn't going to work for me as I will be out too late - if you aren't prepared to parent your child for one night, then you aren't going to be able to take her to your mum's either, because she will need to be baby-sat.'

If you can't say that to him, then I can see exactly what the core of the problem is here, and it's that you're in an entirely unequal relationship where a lazy nasty shit is calling the shots.

Not good.

KatharinaRosalie · 17/10/2019 10:18

You are considering taking your baby to your mum's, when baby's own father is at home, only because baby's father has chosen to not to take care of his own child. What a loving parent and good partner he is..

bookwormsforever · 17/10/2019 10:18

@81Byerley - By the way, good luck to him with trying to sleep through if you're not there to feed the baby after midnight!

The dc is bottle fed. OP is not expecting her h to bf her baby Hmm

timshelthechoice · 17/10/2019 10:19

He's punishing you for having his child.

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