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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wont help with baby

148 replies

girlmummy25 · 17/10/2019 03:44

My DD is 4.5months and DP doesnt do much for her. He doesnt feed her, change her or bath her at home (will help if we are out though)
If she cries 99% of the time its me that soothes her.
He doesnt do any night feeds and has probably done a handful since she was born and definitely hasnt in the last 2 months.

I have a work night out planned on a thursday night, he is saying he will look after her but wont do a night waking past midnight because he has work the next day.
Ive never been out before and left him with DD at night.
AIBU to expect him to look after our DD in the night for one night when he has work the next day? (At about 8am)
Feeling like im pretty much doing this alone :(

OP posts:
G5000 · 17/10/2019 10:23

Kick him out of the bedroom together with his precious TV! So he really thinks you should be in the uncomfortable spare room with the baby? This is just unbelievably sefish. You are taking care of the baby, you should have the most comfortable room to sleep in. Honestly this would not be even a question in any other household (where the husband is not an abusive twat)

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 10:23

The work night is the least of your problems, why isn't the lazy, sexist shit not pulling his weight all the time?

Trooperslaneagain · 17/10/2019 10:23

My DH said he "would babysit for me"

Only said it once. I read him the riot act. TBF he just didn't get it and because I was breast feeding felt like he didn't have the time with her.

He's wonderful now she's 6 and a nutter and they have so much fun together, so much so I feel a bit left out sometimes.

It's swings and roundabouts OP. Sometimes you need to lay down the law and set boundaries. Most importantly, stick to them.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 17/10/2019 10:25

He needs to step up and start parenting with you, he shouldn't be 'helping' with his own child he should be doing half of everything when he is available.
I start with doing turn about on nappy changes, and feeding. Particularly when baby's starting to wean. My DW and I took turns changing nappies, playing, putting to bed, feeding. Some of the feeding, bed stuff we did together. Night waking was also turn about unless one of us had a particularly important work thing the next day - big presentation, very early start.
Nip this in the bud now or you'll find yourself doing everything...

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 10:30

My mum offered to have her that night but he wont let her because he wants to take DD to his parents in the evening

wtf?? He sounds really controlling ontop of being a lazy, sexist arsehole. Why is he your boss? If he doesn't even help look after her, why are you allowing him have any say in who minds her and when? Tell him No, if you can't do one miserable night shift then she's going to my mothers! Actually I'd take myself to my mothers too. Why are you staying with a man like this? What's in it for you?

hammeringinmyhead · 17/10/2019 10:33

I think you need to absolutely let rip at him. He won't offer to change things himself. Yes to the previous poster who said mat leave isn't a 24 hour job!

welshsoph · 17/10/2019 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/10/2019 10:47

Oh and one of the real reasons he doesn't want you to take her to your mothers is because he's copped on enough to know what their opinion of him will be if you do. Raised eyebrows much... yes of course you need a babysitter for a night out, it's not as if this child has a functional father alas...

Total twat. And a controlling one to boot.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 17/10/2019 10:48

I'm sorry OP you've had a baby with a complete arse.

In 2 posts you've described numerous incidents where he does exactly what he wants, when he wants, with no thought for you or the baby. He is acting like he is the only one that matters, and it's a big fuck you to everyone else.

He wont turn the tv off when he is asleep to help his baby settle.
He wont move rooms so you and baby have to
He doesnt do any childcare whatsoever even when he is home
He works when he doesnt have to
He wont do one night waking, once, despite getting 8 hours sleep every single night, so you can have a night out. You either have to stay home or not drink
He won't consider taking the baby to your mums because he wants to see his mum which presumably he could do any bloody night

His actions should be telling you to leave as he doesnt want to be in this relationship at all. It isn't even a relationship - its him doing whatever the fuck he wants while you and your young baby fit in around him

Drabarni · 17/10/2019 10:54

He shouldn't be helping you, he should be bloody parenting, unless the child isn't his.
Tell him to step up and if you wanted to be a single parent you'd have left him.
Rule number one, get married if you have a child, keep yourself financially protected, he sounds useless.

BringOutTheBalloons · 17/10/2019 10:58

Of all the useless, self-important, waste-of-space arses we've heard about on here lately - and ffs there've been quite a few - I think yours takes the biscuit, OP.

My advice would be to take his fucking precious telly and smash it over his selfish, pathetic head LTB, sorry not sorry.

Appletreehouse · 17/10/2019 11:01

Suggesting that you're home by midnight in itself would be reasonable if he's working, but the rest of your post shows it's not about this one night. Why isn't he doing nappies or bath time? How does he respond when you say 'your turn' when it needs doing? It would be a deal breaker for me to be honest, I wouldn't want to raise a child with a father who couldn't care less about them. You need to address this seriously with him, it's been long enough for him to work out what needs to be done. If he refuses to do it then what does he offer to your child?

mencken · 17/10/2019 11:01

you are indeed doing this alone. And what scares me is that I've read quite a few shaken baby accounts and they all start with a disinterested 'partner'' Not saying he would do this - but as he clearly doesn't care about the child's welfare...

I'm so sorry. It looks like the relationship is over. You have a choice, your baby doesn't.

Celebelly · 17/10/2019 11:04

Twat. Sick to death of hearing about men who can't 'help' (ie. be a fucking parent). You're doing this solo anyway - at least if you booted him out he might actually make arrangements to see her occasionally. Probably not, though.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/10/2019 11:14

@GettingABitDesperateNow great post, it's all there in a nutshell.

81Byerley · 17/10/2019 11:19

@bookwormsforever yes, I realise that, I meant that if the OP isn't there, and he says he isn't going to do any after midnight feeds, he will have a job trying to sleep through the baby screaming!

FenellaMaxwell · 17/10/2019 11:21

Fuck that. Take her to your mums and tell his parents it’s because he refuses to look after her so they’ll have to see her another time. Then turf his useless arse out!

EKGEMS · 17/10/2019 11:30

His true self has emerged and unfortunately he's no butterfly. I wouldn't stand for that shit for one minute! I'd tell him he has one last chance to get his damn priorities straight or he'll be receiving a divorce notice in the very near future from my shit hot lawyer

Everydayimhuffling · 17/10/2019 11:36

Time to ask him some important questions OP. Like is he saying that he will neglect his child if you are not home by midnight? Or that you love the baby enough to give up sleep, but he can't even give up half an hour one evening? Also, the baby stays in the main bedroom. He can get out if he can't sleep with it set up for the baby. If he isn't parenting, then he isn't a parent. His child isn't going to magically bond with him if he does nothing.

Don't let him claim incompetence either. My (excellent, involved DP) suggested that I should do nappies because I am faster. I pointed out that I am fast because I do it all the time, so he better start practising!

Don't let him refuse to parent his child.

Johnsonsfiat · 17/10/2019 11:36

Move this thread to relationships. This isn't AIBU. This is a relationship problem, as in you're with a mean, lazy git and will need some advice about how to get rid.

Countryescape · 17/10/2019 11:42

Oh so he’s refusing to let you go out like a normal person and he thinks he gets to dictate who looks after the baby too? Not a chance! Take the baby to your mums and have a great night. Fuck him!

BiddyPop · 17/10/2019 11:55

One of the days when he is out at work, I would make use of the time to move the TV and anything he needs for sleep/clothes etc into the spare room, and your and DC's things back into the main bedroom. If there are 2 of you, and you will be trying to sleep when he is out at work (because you have been up in the night dealing with DC), then YOU need the decent bed to catch up in.

And he needs to step up to doing more at weekends.

Refusing to either let you solve the problem by having your DM mind DC, but yet insisting that you must solve the problem by being home before midnight, is just NOT ON. That is controlling behaviour on his part.

HuloBeraal · 17/10/2019 12:07

WTAF. I keep posting this on so many threads. Do NOT accept this. Night out or not. It’s his child. He is NOT helping.

I’ll give you a breakdown of what DH did. He is a medic and was a junior doctor when DS1 was born and worked insane hours with a reasonable commute.
Woke up, did the dishwasher, laundry, had a bath, made me breakfast, made me a sandwich for lunch. Woke me up, I fed the baby, and ate my breakfast. He took the baby (and later both kids and got one ready for school) so I could get dressed, have a shower and pack the changing bag for the day. He also changed the baby. So when he left the house his wife and son were fed and dressed and the big housework was done and there was lunch in the fridge for me.
As soon as he came in, he would do a tidy up (DS1 was frequently in bed) and make dinner if I was knackered. If not, he would do any chores that needed doing. If he was home for bath time he would do it. When not on call, I got and still get a lie in on weekends. (I also work and during the week do more childcare than he does). Once a week he and I will batch cook together for the week. Because we both work he’s always been open to taking turns with taking time off when the kids are sick. I go out with friends and when I do he often kicks me out early so I can sit in a coffee shop with a book because he finds it easier to get bedtime done if it’s just him and the two boys. As I said I do the bulk of the childcare, cooking, handle all the school and preschool stuff and solo parent when he travels (a reasonable amount).

So to me he does NOT get a medal for the above. Do you know why? Because that’s what parents do. They look out for each other. Your husband is treating you like a nanny and a cook, and won’t even let your Mum help. This is frankly beyond ridiculous. I would be sitting him down and having a serious chat about how you see yourselves parenting in the weeks and months ahead.

bookwormsforever · 17/10/2019 12:13

@bookwormsforever yes, I realise that, I meant that if the OP isn't there, and he says he isn't going to do any after midnight feeds, he will have a job trying to sleep through the baby screaming!

Sorry - I misunderstood you. Blush

SprinkleDash · 17/10/2019 12:17

I think any woman having a baby should be prepared to do it alone. So many men just don’t bother to parent the children they produce.

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