“What’s your address?”

[ShadyLady53]

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.


WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

[AppleKatie]

I would ignore him I think.

Are there any contexts where you have to see him? Mutual friends?

[iamkahleesi]

Anyone of those options seem good to me. I'd probably ignore initially then give work address if pushed.

[Junglerum]

Defo work address, tell him your home post can be iffy or get mixed up if it makes you feel less guilty

[Aquamarine1029]

Don't even think about giving him your home OR work address. He wants to send you a card?? Right. He's after your address for some reason and it's not over a card. Trust your instincts. Ignore and block.

[spanishwife]

I think C is the best option because it just cuts it dead in the tracks, no hint of hope for him. It will probably be uncomfortable but nip it in the bud now.

[Flyaway78]

I’d ignore it.

[ShadyLady53]

Thanks, good to know I’m along the right track.

Context, we used to volunteer at the same place and although we weren’t friends we do have mutual friends. Mutual friends describe him as a very “safe” guy. I may have to see him at a get together in December although I’d like to keep it quiet that I’m going to be there.

[Returnofthesmileybar]

C "That's very nice of you but really no need to send a card. To be honest I never give out my home address anyway"

Nothing wrong with thar, it's nice but to the point

[Darkstar4855]

I wouldn’t give him your work address as he might take that as encouragement to send stuff to you.

Personally I would just reply saying “sorry, I don’t feel comfortable giving out my address” but if you don’t feel comfortable/confident to that then ignoring it would also be ok.

[Leeds2]

I would also make sure your mutual friends know not to give him your address.

[Darkstar4855]

Actually what @Returnofthesmileybar just said is really good. I would send that!

[spanishwife]

Your second paragraph is actually quite scary and this sounds like the start of a very very serious issue. This isn't somebody with a crush, this is someone who is continuing to not listen to your boundaries and using your kindness to his advantage. Protect yourself!

iamkahleesi - really quite shocked by your response, please don't let someone push you to do something you don't want to just because they are being pushy and making you feel uncomfortable

[ShadyLady53]

@Returnofthesmileybar that is perfect - thank you!

[Racecardriver]

‘Who dis?’

[NonaGrey]

Ignore the text. You don’t need to be polite to someone who is tromping all over your boundaries.

[CardsforKittens]

I would definitely not give out my address (work or home) to anyone who had made a nuisance of himself. Apparently he doesn't respect basic boundaries.

[PavlovianLunge]

c) but probably better to say that you don’t want a card. Saying there’s no need could prompt ‘but I’d like to’ as a response, so I’d be clear that you don’t want a card.

Given that he’s persistent, you might also want to say that you’re not interested in maintaining contact and that you won’t reply to future messages. It’s harsh, maybe, but he’ll survive, and hopefully will get the message once and for all.

[ShadyLady53]

@spanishwife thanks, I ignored this little voice inside as a teenager and ended up with a stalker for many years and spent my late teens/early 20s looking over my shoulder as he was everywhere! This time I don’t want to take chances.

Part of why I don’t like spending time with this guy is because he actually doesn’t show any interest in who I really am as a person. I feel like around him I just have to be what he wants me to be. He’s never had a girlfriend as far as I know and I think he’s desperate for one and has decided it will be me. He constantly calls me a nickname I’ve asked him not to use and even though I’ve repeatedly (falsely!) gave him the impression I’m in a relationship it doesn’t seem to affect him. If I say no to anything all of a sudden the endless emails back and forth stop. It’s like I’m only acceptable when I’m saying yes. So many red flags!

[ShadyLady53]

@Leeds2, luckily I live in a totally different city and my mutual friends -are too lazy to- don’t visit my hometown so don’t know where I live.

[Itslookinglikeabeautifulday]

If he’s really persistent, something like “If I give you my address you might get the wrong idea and think I like you romantically. It wouldn’t be fair on my boyfriend either.”
(Just pretend you have a new boyfriend if you’re single....)

[cricketmum84]

Another vote for option C! Just a simple "that's very kind of you but I really don't need a card" no other explanation. Then if he pushes the issue "I don't give out my home address" should stop it!

[Itslookinglikeabeautifulday]

Oops, cross-posted

[ShadyLady53]

Thanks everyone, I’m going to go with C. Fully expecting phone calls following the reply and him to send it to work anyway (it’s easy enough to google).

[GinZing]

OP be firm or you’ll end up with another stalker. 👀 Don’t get into a text conversation. One reply, then ignore.

As a pp said listen to your instincts.

[Maelstrop]

Block him, he sounds dangerously obsessed.