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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“What’s your address?”

151 replies

ShadyLady53 · 06/11/2018 22:58

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.

WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 07/11/2018 09:06

Please don’t tie yourself in knots trying to be polite , trying not to hurt his feelings.

“Please do not contact me again” and block is all that is required here.

You don’t owe him anything, you don’t want any relationship with him, you don’t want a card (FFS) from him, you don’t want to encourage any sort of relationship with him.

lilyblue5 · 07/11/2018 09:07

Either block and ignore or

Sorry moving in with bf over the next few weeks and nit sure how he will feel about me giving out his address?

Good luck OP, hate stuff like this Angry

lilyblue5 · 07/11/2018 09:09

Sorry x post with your update OP.
If you are feeling these vibes from him and he will be at the party, trust your instincts and be busy!

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 09:10

@lilyblue5 haha! I’ve said “we’ve recently bought a new house” in passing and...that’s why he wants to send a card!

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2018 09:10

Ooh cripes, yes, agree with the firm "don't contact me again" message and then block. No "that's very kind of you thanks but..." sentiments AT ALL. Sad

Crunchymum · 07/11/2018 09:13

Have you replied?

Have you mentioned this situation to mutual friends? So they are aware of what is going on? Has anyone else noticed his behaviour?

arranfan · 07/11/2018 09:13

Context, we used to volunteer at the same place and although we weren’t friends we do have mutual friends. Mutual friends describe him as a very “safe” guy.

People would have said the same thing about the chap who stalked me. We worked in the same place so he found it easy to get my home address.

So many cards that when I returned home from a work trip once, I couldn't open my front door (house with a door opening rather than a hall).

Everybody sympathised with him because I was interested. Ah - those were the days when stalking wasn't a crime and everyone not affected by it could write it off as romantic-overenthusiasm. Hmm

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 09:16

@Crunchymum

I’ve ignored so far.

My friends just all say “he’s as safe as houses” 🙄

I think, to them, someone would have to be sending dick pics and sexual messages and he’s not doing that at all. All his messages are nice and friendly. But persistent and annoying.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/11/2018 09:16

Hopefully you've replied to the text say you won't be sending him your address, in whatever way you decided to.

I think you need to be a bit firmer in your rebuttal of his advances.

I once worked with a guy who had bipolar disorder - not that that was any kind of excuse or reason, but it made what happened rather worse, I think - we also did a day release college course together. We used to have coffee together, with another colleague, but he latched onto me and then sent me a Valentine's card. I have NO fucking clue how he got my address, except by going into the office files - I certainly never gave it to him! - but after he sent the card he went very weird. I gave him back a note saying I had a boyfriend thanks and wasn't interested. Then over a period of months I got 3 letters from him that varied in content from apologetic, to stalkerish, to downright abusive.
Then after he got no response to those, he started to discuss a "death list" at work - on which I was number 1 - and the way he'd decided to bump me off. Other colleagues were on the list too and laughed it off but I was bothered! Ended up having to get the police involved as work were rather poor in dealing with it. That did stop it though, thank goodness!

So tell him straight to stop bothering you as he's harassing you and you will be contacting a solicitor/police if he carries on. Hopefully that'll fix it for you!

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 09:19

@arranfan that sounds awful! How did you get rid of him?

I think my friends would definitely feel sorry for him and think I should give him a chance. I’d be seen as the bitch in all this. Think I might end up having to cut ties sadly.

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 07/11/2018 09:22

Don't apologies to him for maintaining your boundaries. Your spidey-senses are already telling you to keep him firmly away from you, so LISTEN.

From what you have said, he is a little unbalanced - maybe in general, maybe just about you, but this is in NO WAY your responsibility to manage. Just ignore/prevent all contact, because if he knows where you live he WILL turn up.

finn1020 · 07/11/2018 09:22

Women are too conditioned to be polite and not hurt men’s feelings. The softly softly approach isn’t working and he sounds creepy, and always around as you never know when you’re going to receive another message from him. Whether he’s a bit socially inept and finds social interactions difficult to read, or just a creep - you don’t have to put up with it to make him feel better.

Just spell it out clearly and say something like “I am absolutely not giving you my address. I barely know you. I have tried to be nice about this but your continued interest in contacting me makes me feel very uneasy and frightened. Please don’t contact me again.”

If he messages back tell him you will be reporting him to the police.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/11/2018 09:25

I wonder if he has Asperger op, and isn’t reading the social cues? I expect in his mind, you are a friend, and as you say , he may well have been advised to be more chatty and confident with you.
I agree that one firm rebuttal and then no more contact is the way to go. I also suggest reading The Gift of Fear , as that has really helpful advice on stalkers.

cheesefield · 07/11/2018 09:32

I'm rude, so i'd probably just ignore the texts/emails if he's not getting the hint.

PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2018 09:33

Your friends don't sound terribly understanding. Hmm

gamerwidow · 07/11/2018 09:36

I disagree with some of the other posters. Don’t reply, it doesn’t matter how well you try to phrase it he will see it as a chance for negotiation. You don’t owe him a chance or anything else if you don’t want a relationship with him.

CoraPirbright · 07/11/2018 09:37

Confused Just because your friends say he is “safe as houses” why on earth should that mean you should entertain him? Surely they can understand the laws of attraction? You just don’t like him in that way and he is starting to make you feel uneasy.

I would send one final message saying that you would like him to stop contacting you then ignore all further messages.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 09:38

@SirVixofVixHall no definitely no Aspergers, the stalker had Aspergers though. He has no official additional needs but is socially very shy and awkward, especially around women his own age.

I’ve read the Gift of Fear, brilliant isn’t it?

OP posts:
BambooToothbrush · 07/11/2018 09:38

Absolutely agree with PPs - trust your instincts here. We have instincts for a reason.

Have you read "The Gift of Fear"? It is a very good book and might help you.

I suggest sending one final message "Please do not contact me again. If you do I will call the police."

BambooToothbrush · 07/11/2018 09:38

Haha! X-post re Gift of Fear!

Snomade · 07/11/2018 09:40

Yes unfortunately you might need to create some distance between you and those mutual friends, atleast for a while, OP. (I'm sorry to say).

tiggerkid · 07/11/2018 09:41

if it was by text, I would ignore. Will eventually get the message.

justilou1 · 07/11/2018 09:42

Perhaps you should tell him that as a raging environmentalist you find them offensively wasteful, and you'd prefer none at all... ever.

GeorgeTheHippo · 07/11/2018 09:44

I think you need to stop being nice, OP. Why do you feel you need to be nice? Have a think about that.

Then reply "I'm not going to give you my address. Please stop contacting me". And block him.

That message about the film - way too nice. Better to say "I don't want to go". Plain, straightforward, no need for discussion.

As they say on here, No is a complete sentence. Use it. Stop dressing it up.

bigKiteFlying · 07/11/2018 09:44

I'd do a stop contacting me and I won't reply in future at all.

I'd have a word with the friend organising the event - see if there a way to avoid this guy to have someone with you at all times for interference.

I'd also talk to your wider friends - say look you've already had experience of a stalker and endured the toll on your mental health and this is looking like the start of another- it doesn't matter if they think he is safe - unpleasant behaviour can quickly get worse and maybe put some distance if they persist in trying to talk you round.