“What’s your address?”

[ShadyLady53]

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.

WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

that sounds awful! How did you get rid of him?

I think my friends would definitely feel sorry for him and think I should give him a chance. I’d be seen as the bitch in all this. Think I might end up having to cut ties sadly.

He did something quite serious. Even then, our employer wanted me to be understanding because of his mental health and disappointment. Nobody knew just how serious it had got (because that wouldn't have been fair to him to have this unfortunate state of affairs known). They all knew it was my fault for not handling him correctly/reciprocating/whatever.

I ended up having to change jobs. I didn't leave a forwarding address with anyone. And it affected me for years.

To this day, (tho' given his age he may well be dead now), people probably think of this man as a 'safe guy who's been unlucky in love'.

Your mutual friends sound like arseholes.

I see you mention they don't live in your home town and don't know where you live? How does the friendship work? Is it mostly a WhatsApp / email friendship or do you see them fairly often?

It sounds like them dismissing your concerns could be another green light for the chap to think he can pursue you.

Also, you mention a fake boyfriend. How does this work with the mutual friend? Are you telling them you have a partner?

Better to be a "bitch" then get hurt.

@crunchymum I see them about once a month at a mutually convenient place. We also speak on the phone and text.

They know I’m considering adoption as a single person if I don’t meet anyone in the next couple of years . They also know about the past stalker, as does the creepy guy (he doesn’t know about the adoption).

They are very nice people but just as close to him as they are to me and because he appears much more fragile than me, I’m sure their concern would be more for him.

I’d suspect it was them egging him on but for the fact I know two of them think it’s disgusting to interfere in other people’s love lives.

Eurghghgh looks like he’s a “Nice Guy TM”. Thinks that the way to get with a girl is to follow all the dating advice about showing an interest in what they like, suggest meeting up etc but completely disregards the fact that there has to be a mutual not on way attraction. He’s the kind of guy that believes in friendzoning I imagine. Just don’t bother replying op. He won’t get the message but at least you can stop agonising about what to say back.

I had a similar situation with a guy at work. He was married and I was in a long-term relationship, which he knew. However, he would always orchestrate to leave at the same time as me and travel part way home with me. He would ask me lots of intrusive questions and although I never felt threatened by him, and I felt quite uncomfortable. People at work would joke about it, calling him my stalker, but it wasn't really funny. In the end, I left, (not because of him) and ignored all his attems at contacting me after that.

I can understand you not wanting to do the Christmas event but honestly why should he be allowed to take that from you!

You have every right to tell him (politely but directly without any wiggle room for him to bypass) that you are uncomfortable with his behaviour and you want it to stop or you don't want him to contact you anymore. You need to set the rules down now so there is no more ambiguity about behaviour and it'll be clearer in the future (for you, so you'll be able to clearly see there no confusion, just him being weird with you) and you can react appropriately.
You don't need to give out your address, reply to texts, have telephone conversations etc.

His social difficulties might be the cause/exasperate but they aren't an excuse (once he clearly knows he is stepping over the boundaries with you)
If he is able to volunteer then he must have a certain amount of social skill or have passed some type of vetting especially if any vulnerable people are involved with the organisation.

Saying he wants to send a card may be a ruse to get your address because he fears you won’t supply it if he simply requests it. There may then be no card, just him on the doorstep, unannounced. Worst case scenario but best to leave no doubt at all...

@shadylady53 apologies I missed that bit! Ahhh how irritating he didn’t get the message

I agree with everyone above telling you to be rude and to cut him off.

I'd send one, blunt and totally clear message saying I do not want to see or hear from you and I will refer to police if you contact me again.

Cancel the Christmas event. You could volunteer somewhere else if you'd like to. You're potentially putting your safety at risk by doing it.

Forget about being kind, letting him down gently etc etc. Is he thinking about your feelings? No he is not, he is only thinking about himself and you are just something he wants to meet his needs.

I don't give out my address, no need.

Any more texts -'this is not necessary please stop contacting me. '

Be 'rude' it called having boundaries.

It's entirely possible that they have told him that you're not really seeing anyone too. Blah. I think it's time you spell it out. "Look. I've tried being as nice as possible to avoid hurting your feelings. It's not getting through. I'm not interested in pursuing a friendship or anything more than that with you. I don't want you to contact me again."

Sorry OP, am I correct in thinking that you've told the guy you have a partner? But the mutual friends know you don't?

(You mention this earlier I'm sure. In that you've told him you have a partner but it's not made any difference?) Wonder if the friends are telling him you're single?

Sorry if I've misread anything.

These don't sound like good friends TBH.

I agree with the other comments, a last clear message to him, email or text.

"Your ongoing attempts to make contact with me make me very uncomfortable, please stop. If you insist on contacting me again I will be going to the police"

Then block, let your mutual friends that you do not want any contact with him and that you do not want them sharing any information with him about you.

If you think it is your friends egging him on, you really need to set them straight that you are not interested and they are in danger of really fucking him up...I'd tell them to step the fuck down, leave your love life alone and they need to tell him that they have actually been winding him up about this.

How fucking dare they? Who the fuck do they think they are?

@sackrifice - no I don’t think they’ve been egging him on, two of them always say they think it’s terrible when people meddle in people’s love lives. They are fairly private about their own love lives too so I don’t think they’d gossip about mine. Only two of them (a couple) know that I’m single and that only came up because they were discussing being childfree and I mentioned I do want children and plan to adopt if I haven’t met anyone.

I think someone might be egging him on, but maybe a relative of his or even a counsellor if he’s indicated he thinks I’m interested.

Again - be very blunt and direct that you're not interested and invoke either a solicitor's letter or the police if he carries on.

"I'm not going to give you my address as I am not interested in any kind if relationship with you, you need to stop contacting me"

^ This is perfect. Short, assertive, and very clear.

Be very clear in your message - ie that you do not want to speak with him, socialise with him or receive messages from him. My lovely, beautiful friend got herself a bit of a stalker by not being clear enough about the fact that she didn't like him - it was confusing for him I think as he couldn't read her signals. I ended up having to speak with him at her request and I was very blunt about the fact that she never wanted to see him again. He looked horrified, and to my knowledge never went near her again. It'll be a horrid conversation to have but needs must.

If your friends think that you should date a man that you have NO INTEREST in to make him feel better then you need new friends. They are a bad influence on you.

This man is already trampling all over your boundaries and yet if you say “ no more “ you are the bad guy.

You are already thinking of not doing something you what to/because of him.

He has called persistently texted called and emailed which makes you uncomfortable .

Now he wants your address.

This is not a nice safe harmless man. You are already being controlled by him. Not doing things you want to do, doing things ( like posting on MN ) because of him.

He is not listening to your boundaries. I don’t know if this is because of something like autism or because he is getting bad advice or because he believes this is the way to win women.

I don’t need to know and neither do you.

It’s more likely he is doing this because he DOESNT CARE about your boundaries or wishes . It’s all about him and what he wants to do.

You need to stop encouraging him by replying to him. Tell him not to contact you anymore ONCE then block . Don’t answer emails. Don’t get friends to tell him no. Don’t lie that you have a BF if you don’t . Don’t threaten with a solicitor or the police.

Just stop answering him. He will go on doing it if he gets a response from you.

GIven you’ve been been through having a stalker before, and he knows this, he should know how inappropriate it is. I hate being rude too, but in this case, he’s not really a friend, you need to be clear. I agree with PP in replying only once, to say you don’t want to give out your address, and to be clear, you have no interest in any kind of relationship with him, and please not to contact you again. Then if he replies, start keeping a log, screenshots etc but don’t reply again, not even once.

And stop telling randomers details about your private life. Why would you tell Mr Creepy about your stalker ???

He's not a stalker or crossing boundaries until the first time he does something he's been explicitly told not to do.

So he needs to be explicitly told.

I ended up having to speak with him at her request and I was very blunt about the fact that she never wanted to see him again. He looked horrified, and to my knowledge never went near her again. It'll be a horrid conversation to have but needs must.

As in this case, I reckon that nine times out of ten you will get the result you want once you've been clear enough.

I once heard from someone who was fearful and panicking because someone she'd told not to call her at work had decided to instead turn up outside her house. I pointed out that he appeared to be capable of and willing to obey instructions, so all she needed to do was tell him not to visit or call her at home. That worked.