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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“What’s your address?”

151 replies

ShadyLady53 · 06/11/2018 22:58

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.

WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 06/11/2018 23:36

Don't give him your work or home address or the next thing will be him stalking you and knocking on your door.

If you are likely to bump into him you could suggest he gives you a card, if it is that important to him.

Or ignore completely.

HildaZelda · 06/11/2018 23:38

You're doing the right thing with C. To be honest I would block him too, both on your phone and on social media. Hopefully he'll get the message once and for all.

BackforGood · 06/11/2018 23:39

I think your original Option c is best.
It sounds like you need to be a bit blunter than Returnof's post - that makes it sound like you are just being polite ins a "no need but I quite like the idea" type of way. I think you need to be as clear as you can, and agree with pp that your mutual friends need to know you don't want your address given out.

I'd also say this Given that he’s persistent, you might also want to say that you’re not interested in maintaining contact and that you won’t reply to future messages. It’s harsh, maybe, but he’ll survive, and hopefully will get the message once and for all.

Alfie190 · 06/11/2018 23:44

Where do you know him from?

Is there an occasion that requires a card coming up or is it totally random?

SuchAToDo · 06/11/2018 23:44

Ignore him,

Don't give your home address to someone who is being a bit of a nuisance,

Don't give your work address as work won't be happy with someone turning up making a nuisance of themselves there

If you feel.you can't say no, give a throwaway email address (like a yahoo or Gmail email that you have created for this purpose and won't be using for anything else) and have him send an ecard

Or give him a p.o box address,

Do not give him your home address or you will never get rid of.him

SuperSuperSuper · 06/11/2018 23:49

I'd make it very clear that you ditont want to. be involved. He obv can't take hints so you need to spell it out now.

If you ignore him he might convince himself that the message didn't go through or something, and try other means of contact.

ImpossibleGirl · 06/11/2018 23:50

Don't give him your work or home address. You mention that he doesn't like being told No and tends to go away at least for a while.

Respond to his request for your address with just one word ... NO

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 06/11/2018 23:51

@Alfie190 we met through volunteering which I no longer do. The card is a bit random but also could be plausible if that makes sense? It’s not a card that HAS to be sent. He’s already sent me the basic sentiment via text AND email.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 06/11/2018 23:53

You mentioned emails back and forth - do you reply to him a lot? I would cool everything a lot and ignore most if not all messages.

You don’t want to be friends and you don’t owe him your time.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 06/11/2018 23:55

Just freeze him out. No address, email, nothing. Block his emails if you can, otherwise ignore, ignore, ignore. If you think he's going to be there, don't go.

Ruth23 · 06/11/2018 23:55

I agree with @Returnofthesmileybar

That is very polite and he should get the hint! Reading this has made me feel some what un easy so i wouldn't know how to feel in your position! I definitely wouldn't give him your address!

Hope he gets the hint!! x

AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2018 23:55

I'd ignore him. If he persists, I'd go with C. If he still persists I'd contact the police.

OkGoogle · 07/11/2018 00:02

Never give out your home address, no matter what.
You already seem to be in control of the situation which is great.
Some great replies here, Option C is best. Good luck, stay safe!

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 00:03

@SuperSuperSuper if he directly asked me out or even flirted with me I would be straight out and say I’m not romantically interested at all. I’ve seen him twice in person in the past year and I’m not on social media so any contact has been via persistent email and text/calls. He’ll do things like email, “I know you work as a x.There is a film on about x’s at the cinema in Histown” and send me the link to the event and say “hope to see you there.” So he’s not directly asked me. To an email like that I say, “I’m extremely busy with work in the week so weekends are just for chilling with my loved ones and doing stuff we really want to together. Hope you enjoy it if you go.”

@chasedbybees yes in the past I did email him back but was mostly very curt in my replies. I didn’t want to be rude but I know now it’s only encouraging him when I reply.

OP posts:
AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 07/11/2018 00:04

Just ignore it, maybe he'll get the message

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 07/11/2018 00:06

Your last post confirms to me that he is not someone you should give your address out to.

If he doesn't take it well then that's not your problem, he has consistently made you feel uncomfortable and ignored repeated polite (and perfectly reasonable requests about contacting you, being uninterested in him even about using your correct name.
This man doesn't actually care about you or how you feel.

Don't allow your fear of being impolite or of him being horrible force you into giving out your private information.

your wants are just as important as his

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 00:12

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Thanks very much - love the username!

Reading this all back I don’t think I’ve actually been taking it seriously enough.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 07/11/2018 00:12

he is a bit strange, why HASN'T he ask you out if he's interested? He says he earmarked you as a potential GF - sounds like a total fantasist or someone cripplingly shy (obsessive material in both cases).

wafflyversatile · 07/11/2018 00:14

He is just looking for any way to reconnect after you made him back off. I'd either ignore the text. Or if you feel confident tell him you don't want him contacting you.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 00:17

@CatAndHisKit crippling shy, inexperienced with women and I think a chip on his shoulder in relation to other men.

OP posts:
Jux · 07/11/2018 00:30

Do not reply at all, not even with a no.

He can take any - any - engagement as encouragement, he can and probably will. So do not engage.

Jux · 07/11/2018 00:32

Oh, and make sure your mutual friends know that he is not to be encouraged to contact you in any way or form, too.

BarMcBarsen · 07/11/2018 00:40

Ignore ignore ignore and stop worrying about being polite

If you must rely - 'im not giving you my address, please leave me alone', then block

You don't owe this man anything

CatAndHisKit · 07/11/2018 00:48

I think if he is, as you say, hugely shy and inexperienced, it's better to be politely direct as he's obviously no good at reading situations / maybe been advised by other men that persistence pays off! I think if you just ignore him, he'll keep trying on and off for a very long time based on your prrevious contact.

So best to say "sorry but I'd rather not continue with any chat/communication as I'm too busy with work and my personal life", you can add you are now in a relationship. Let him respond to that as otherwise he may become resentul at being shut down and may turn up at your work or something ' to talk'.

Instead let him say his piece in text (or if he leaves voicemail) and then repeat same text with something like: "I'm sorry if this is disappointing to you, I'm just being honest'. He'll leave you alone but he'll also feel that you were nice/respectful. You don't want to rile someone who you don't really know.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom · 07/11/2018 01:05

It's my Halloween namechange Blush

I'm sorry if Iv been a bit bossy! I'm just angry for you, I hope my anger has given you a bit of a fire in your belly.

You really do deserve better. You have a right to have your needs, wishes and privacy respected. Your home is supposed to be your safe space. I'd be a bit worried he would turn up or send things refundedly etc once he had your address because he doesn't seem interested in you in this only in what he wants or feels.