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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“What’s your address?”

151 replies

ShadyLady53 · 06/11/2018 22:58

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.

WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 07/11/2018 11:28

Female socialisation in place massively on this thread.

I’m past pandering to men’s fragile egos, so I would tell him I don’t give my address out. If pressed, I would say i don’t want him to have it and his pressuring me is not making me want to give it any more.

Listen to KristinaM and your gut on this.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 11:30

@KristinaM after many years of staying away, the stalker turned up when I was volunteering with new creepy guy and I had to give a police statement. I would never have told him otherwise.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 07/11/2018 11:31

I agree with all those saying that you need to be blunt.

"Nothing wrong with thar, it's nice but to the point"

We all need to get the idea out of our heads that Women need to be nice.

We don't need to placate, help, pacify, cheer up, let down gently, or be responsible for anyone but ourselves. Or see to anything but our own wants.

steppemum · 07/11/2018 11:33

I echo those sayign be more blunt. This is beyond - no thank you, I don't give out my address.

I would text saying:

I am not going to give you my home address because I do not want you to continue contacting me. I am finding your behaviour similar to a stalker, and you need to know now, that I am not interested in you, and want you to back off. Please do not contact me, or show up to meet me anywhere.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 11:34

Also thanks for your other helpful post @KristinaM, wise words.

I have sent a firm email now saying he has already emailed and text expressing his sentiments and I do not also want a card, that’s unnecessary and that I do not want to give him my address. It was very short, blunt and to the point.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 07/11/2018 11:36

“Please do not contact me again” and block

ImNotKitten · 07/11/2018 11:53

Hope he takes the message now OP. I agree completely with PPs that you don’t owe him niceness or social platitudes. Definitely female conditioning at play here, not your fault, but it isn’t your place to tiptoe around his feelings at the cost of your own.

Owlwantstoshare · 07/11/2018 12:03

Well done Shady. The email you sent sounds perfect.

YearOfYouRemember · 07/11/2018 12:06

Tell him you don't want a card and if he persists you'll have to speak to the authorities. Tell work or someone who can support you. Sadly these situations sometimes end badly and you need people looking out for you.

speakingtruthfully · 07/11/2018 12:09

Just read most of your post and I find it somewhat scary , ( similar to something I've experienced in the past )

I personally think now not only do you need to say the NO THANK YOU about a card but to be totally honest and that the contact received from him makes you feel stalked / creeped out / unhappy and you want no further contact from him , you want work and your home life to be completely separate ( even if you don't ) and you ask him not to contact you further or you will go to the police and log it ( I actually might in your case go to the police and have a chat with them as to the boundaries between normal and stalker are ) if he's a genuine nice but shy guy he might be shocked and back right off

Tbh there is another boundary that's being pushed here too , the one where your a sweet person just getting on with your life and trying not to offend or upset others ( inc him) and yet putting up with all his unwanted approaches so as to not offend him, he needs to be put into the category of "people that do not take on board clear hints" rather he needs it spelt out to him bluntly that he's a really creepy whatsit , you are not interested in him AT ALL , and never will be.

Phew I've rambled a bit
Hope you get it cleared up once and for all

Wazznme · 07/11/2018 12:11

You've made your first fail there. You acknowledged receipt of his text and email which will make him think you liked them and therefore will persist in telling you that he really wants to send you a card - he will convince himself that you're just being shy and don't want to put him out.
You need to be UNEQUIVOCALLY CLEAR. No explanation, just - Please do not contact me again, we're not friends and I do not wish to receive any further communication from you. Don't put Regards, Kind Regards or even your name. Just leave it at that.

californiascreaming · 07/11/2018 12:12

Op - did you tell him to stop contacting you though? Your message really needed to say that otherwise he will just carry on, via some other silly excuse/reason.
I would still do the gig - but just don't engage with him. Am guessing its some kind of performance - so in this case I would treat it like a professional gig - turn up, do it, leave without a load of social interaction where he can sidle up with other people. If you want to understandably see your friends then I would arrange something separate that weekend with just them not him, like lunch in the pub next day and explain that you just need time alone after your gig.
If you've told him not to contact you then any further contact, particularly if he uses your gig as an excuse is harassment and deal with it as such. If you didn't tell him, then tell him to stop contacting you as it stops giving him an opening because he will always use it.

PolkaDoting · 07/11/2018 12:13

I had a situation recently and it is very difficult to deal with if someone hasn’t been explicit in saying they like you. In the end I thought ‘hang on, I know he likes me, so I should just respond as if he has been direct’.

It felt great!

In your case I think a follow up message saying ‘please do not contact me again’ would be helpful.

speakingtruthfully · 07/11/2018 12:13

Can I just add
A similar situation was happening to a girl who works with my partner , lots of creepy unsolicited attention from a general public customer , letters , presents etc through the post to work place , police were involved and told him to back off and not to contact her again .
Go to the police , too many weirdos out there

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 12:15

Thanks everyone,

@Wazznme - I don’t agree. I didn’t thank him for the email and text, I was pointing out that emailing, texting and then sending a card is overegging it and I’d prefer he didn’t send it and I also refused to give him my address. I didn’t start the email with dear or end it with anything, just my name.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/11/2018 12:16

Fingers crossed he takes he hint OP.

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 12:19

@californiascreaming

It is a gig and I’ve been invited for a meal afterwards. Might have to find a way of declining the meal. Dodgy tummy or something.

OP posts:
Wazznme · 07/11/2018 12:19

Well we'll see OP. I'm willing to bank my house on it.

Wazznme · 07/11/2018 12:21

You're already altering your life around this cunt. Why?
Just tell him to Fuck OFF!

Wazznme · 07/11/2018 12:22

Why on earth should you have to change your plans to avoid a cunt who is infatuated with you? Don't! Go along and blank him. Don't be polite about it! You're a pushover!

WhingyNinja · 07/11/2018 14:18

Fuck politeness.

Your email sounds great. If he continues to hound you just remember this thread and that you don't need to be nice or accommodating and tell him to leave you alone fuck off in no uncertain terms.

KristinaM · 07/11/2018 14:31

When you say “ A card isnt necessary “ he hears

“ She doesnt want to inconvenience me, but its not any bother,I LOVE sending cards to her “

When you point out that hes over egging it, he thinks “ nothing is too much trouble for her, i want her to know how much i like her “.

You are trying to persuade him that his behaviour is unreasonable. That wont work, he is entitled to his opinion and his feelings . You dont need to persuade him, or us, or your friends.

It’s not a debate , where you need to convince him that he’s wrong and you are right. I’m sure he wil be happy to debate with you.

Jux · 07/11/2018 15:57

Each time you respond to him he thinks that you want to be in contact with him; for him it is encouragement, even if you think it isn't. Do what the police told you to do with your first stalker, fgs, "Do not contact me again" and block.

When you do the gig, cut him. You do not have to be nice to him, or even polite. You can say "go away" and move to another person if he tries to speak to you (if he's even there - if you've already told him not to contact you again he may not turn up anyway).

Jux · 07/11/2018 16:00

If your friend(s) ask, you only have to say that you don't want anything to do with him. If they ask why just say you don't want to talk about it. That's it. No need to say anything else.

FantasticHarryPotter · 07/11/2018 16:24

I remember be very cross with a friend for giving my number to someone at 15. It's your choice who you have in your life on your own time.

Yes ideally being polite is good but that's providing they are acting reasonable - it seems he is not.

When my ex assaulted me and stalked me at 14/15 (I was at the school he was at the adjacent college) I was asked not to go places he would go. So basically I had to change my behaviour when I was the one being inconvenienced.

It still makes me angry that women have to change their behaviour for the poor men's to control themselves.

Make your feelings clear. If he continues after tell him if he contacts you again you will call the police as you've already asked nicely.