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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“What’s your address?”

151 replies

ShadyLady53 · 06/11/2018 22:58

Cutting a long story short...

Someone has asked for my home address so they can send me a card and I do not want to give it to them. He has been showing signs of having a romantic interest in me and the feelings are not reciprocated. He isn’t so overt with displaying the interest that we can have an open conversation and I can say, “hey, sorry but I’m not interested.” I don’t know what the attraction is - I’m not even that nice to him!

There’s really no need for him to send me a card and it feels like yet another excuse for him to make contact with me. He has made a bit of a nuisance of himself recently in emailing, phoning and turning up at the same thing as me once he knew I was going to be there - in fact completely going to the trouble of re-arranging a weekend break away once he knew I was going to a certain event! I managed to put him in his place and stop emails and phonecalls for a month but now he’s contacted me out of the blue, wanting my address. It could be completely innocent but for some reason I feel really uncomfortable with him knowing where I live.

So far options are;

a) ignore the text

b) I could give him my work address. He knows the company I work for and the postal address itself goes to an HQ in a different city.

c) Say there is no need to send a card and that I don’t give my address out.

WIBU to ask what other MNers would do in my position?

OP posts:
notangelinajolie · 07/11/2018 01:07

Blank. Ignore. No reply needed. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

notangelinajolie · 07/11/2018 01:08

a

SuperstarDJ · 07/11/2018 01:11

Glad you went with Option C rather than giving out your address. Though I think the time has come to ignore any future contact and block.

PassMeMyRedBag · 07/11/2018 02:01

I'm sorry but I don't understand all the replies suggesting OP ought to be polite or that she should reply with excuses. She does not owe this man any such thing. Block phone, email, every means of communication and never engage this person again. No guilt or worrying if he's offended needed.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/11/2018 02:16

"I'm sorry but I don't understand all the replies suggesting OP ought to be polite or that she should reply with excuses."

This! A thousand times!

A woman being polite is read by a certain type of man as a woman being interested but shy. He sounds like that type. His behaviour is downright stalkerish. This man needs to understand that the OP is not interested, and frankly he will kid himself that she is for as long as she is polite. Bluntness is called for. The correct answer to "what's your address" is "information you do not need and I will not give, now leave me alone or I will report you to the police for harassment".

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 02:32

Never interact with him again

SongsWithoutWords · 07/11/2018 07:59

This creeps me out. I have had issues like this before. Totally listen to that uneasy feeling.

To be honest I would completely ignore. If this guy is normal (just a little shy, socially awkward) he will eventually take the hint and leave you alone.

If there is something sinister about him - any reply you give may be analysed and (a) either encourage him in some way (b) anger him in some way. Either of which may provoke increased unwanted contact of some kind. Complete silence maybe the safer option - there is nothing to analyse or obsess over or misconstrue.

FlamingJuno · 07/11/2018 08:10

What passmemyredbag said. All the advice to people who are being stalked is to stop and prevent all contact - that's ALL contact. Any contact, even negative contact, is fuel to them and encourages them to carry on. My most recent stalker has only stopped calling because I no longer answer. When I answered and shouted at him, abused him whatever he just lapped it up. There is absolutely no need for you to be polite to someone who is in effect burgling space in your head.

sackrifice · 07/11/2018 08:16

As soon as you reply saying you won't give him your address, he got what he wants - engagement.

You need to block him. And not respond again.

Many people who volunteer [not all] are vulnerable or are looking for other vulnerable people as they are easy wins. Don't fall for it.

Block, block and block once more. Any engagement is engagement.

Also, you might want to go on the Freedom Programme.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Munchmallow · 07/11/2018 08:22

Please dont interact with him, and you don't need to 'be polite' when he does not respect your boundaries.

This is NOT about a card. He wants to know where you live and if you give him that information he WILL turn up there. I'm sorry to worry you OP especially as you've experienced this before, but be very careful.

If he keeps bothering you tell the police.

MulticolourMophead · 07/11/2018 08:27

Isn't it recommended that you give one clear message like "do not contact me again" before blocking? Then it can't be claimed he didn't know his contacts were not welcome.

But then block everything after that last message.

Ohheyyy · 07/11/2018 08:33

Don't ever message him again as he's getting a response from you and that's what he wants. If he has a string if unanswered messages then he may eventually stop whereas he is far less likely to if he gets responses (even if they're responses he doesn't want).

SandyY2K · 07/11/2018 08:33

Can you not just block his number?

AjasLipstick · 07/11/2018 08:38

Just tell him to piss off and then block. What's with all the pussyfooting around?

Snomade · 07/11/2018 08:38

I also think blocking and ignoring completely is the way to go, OP. Unfortunately this guy doesn't seem to read normal social cues

Ginslinger · 07/11/2018 08:43

you have to STOP interacting with this guy. He has no idea of boundaries and will see any form of connection with you as some sort of encouragement. You don't need to tell him anything. Tell your mutual friends that he is bothering you and that you are blocking him and that you don't want them having any conversation about you with him.

Catpyjama · 07/11/2018 08:47

Pps complaining about pussyfooting are missing the point. No she doesn't owe him anything and in an ideal world she'd be able to just tell him to fuck off. But that's not where we live and we're all balancing the very real risk to personal safety that can go with offending/angering men against the need to discourage unwanted attention.

Missingstreetlife · 07/11/2018 08:48

You need to be rude, or at least very firm, because the next step is the police. Either blank him completely and stick with it, or tell him in writing. I do not want anything more to do with you, do not contact me again or I will call the police. If he can't understand that you've got a stalker.
Why do people encourage these knobheads

BrokenWing · 07/11/2018 08:51

If you only know him through the volunteering and no longer do this so never meet / see him, just block and ignore.

Do not give him your work email as that encourages more contact that you don't want, do not tell him thanks but he doesn't need to send a card as that is not making it clear he is being inappropriate asking for your home address.

You need to make the message crystal clear with no apologies, either by telling him honestly you want no further contact then blocking, or just blocking.

Missingstreetlife · 07/11/2018 08:54

Tell him clearly, in writing, to never contact you again or you will inform the police. Then block. If he can't understand that you've got a stalker.
Don't be nice, why would you encourage him?

Orchiddingme · 07/11/2018 08:59

I agree with everyone- you need to be much firmer. You have tried polite disinterest and it hasn't worked, has it? No need to respond again to any of his emails or texts- if you do, you end up looking like friends to him, which you are not. So stop. And don't give him your address. Say 'I don't give out my address'.

Be really clear, at the moment your politeness is keeping you stuck in this situation which, as you know yourself, could escalate.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/11/2018 09:00

Returnofthesmileybar

Perfect, clear and in control- it doesn't give him any wiggle room - if you say you don't feel comfortable it could open up the 'Why? you know me' conversation

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/11/2018 09:00

Looking at some of your posts OP I think you maybe don't realise how polite you are to him. Like when he sends the link to the cinema, you give him an 'excuse' and you're very careful of his feelings.

You don't have to be

Block him. He's stressing you out. Put it this way, if he turned up at your door, you wouldn't hesitate to shut it in his face and protect your space. Your digital space is exactly the same, it's OK to protect it too.

Block, ignore. Practice being assertive. You got this Flowers

ILoveHumanity · 07/11/2018 09:00

Oh man he sounds creepy

Original poster
ShadyLady53 · 07/11/2018 09:04

Thanks everyone.

I think what’s thrown me with this is that when we first met he seemed like a perfectly normal, “sound”, guy.

With the man who stalked me, he immediately set off my creep radar and even the (Male, macho) police officer who eventually went to caution him said he came across as instantly creepy. That combined with his actions made him easier to identify as a stalker.

I do think that now I need to treat this guy as if he is also stalking me.

Advice I was given at the time of dealing with the last guy was that I needed to give one clear “I do not want any further contact from you” and then ignore and keep a record of any further contact to pass on to the police if necessary.

I absolutely will not be giving him my address. I can envisage him sending not a card, but flowers or a gift and then turning up, “I was just passing by” etc. Who knows, it could even be his way of trying to find out if I do have a boyfriend, by hanging out round here and seeing if a man is around.

I’ve done all that looking over my shoulder stuff and I’m not doing it again.

If I’m honest, I actually think he could be getting dodgy advice about women from someone. I’ve known him for several years and the last twice I’ve seen him he’s been totally different. So he’s gone from being very shy and hardly saying a word to appearing over confident and endlessly monologuing at me when I have had to see him or over the phone and constantly going on about things he’s done or read as if he’s very proud of himself and wants to impress. But actually it’s really boring to be on the receiving end of. I’ve wondered if someone is egging him on or if a counsellor has been encouraging him to be more outgoing or confident.

The thing in December is a problem. I was approached by a very good friend to provide the entertainment at the Christmas party for the charity this guy and I used to volunteer at. The friend was willing to completely arrange the party around my availability.

I feel like if I’m there then this whole unwanted contact cycle is going to start up again. My old stalker would go quiet for even years at a time and then start up again if he saw me or one of my relatives in public, by chance. But if I’m not at the Christmas party I’m going to be letting everyone down and truth is, creepy guy aside, I want to do it. It’s paid work that I enjoy doing and a chance to see my friends.

Thanks I will check out the Freedom Program, I’ve seen it recommended on here before.

OP posts: