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To return “gift” to PIL?(157 Posts)
Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!
My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.
MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.
So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.
DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.
So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?
I doubt the “ladies at the church” would be impressed at them telling you to fuck off!
I’d send it back, they sound awful.
Enjoy the silence and let the child play on the thing. You can get a better set when the child is 3 or 4 that will last right through until they don't want to be doing that sort of stuff anymore.
No your are not being unreasonable. Return the swing and buy what you and your DH have decided. Refuse to engage in any nasty comments and enjoy your own little family
They sound vile. And if they hadn’t over stepped their boundaries then they wouldn’t have reacted so negatively. I would return it; your boy won’t know the difference.
I would send it back too. DS can play with it in their garden, when he is at their house. And he can enjoy whatever you want to buy for him in his own garden.
I would also get your keys back from ILs.
Why did they even bother to ask, if they were just going to buy the swing anyway?
Agree with PP.
Return the swing and get your keys back.
If they won't take it back, regift it to someone else or donate it to a charity shop. Deffo time to stand your ground thoufg
Return the swings. Get your key back and for the love of god woman start speaking up. The boat had already been rocked. Start firmly setting boundaries or you're in for a lifetime of this.
Your DH's response to the hideous plastic monstrosity being placed as a marker in your garden was the perfect, tactful suggestion, and their reaction is telling to put it mildly. Is there a convenient shed where the slide could go "for safety"?
As for the christening; if the "ladies at church" take their faith seriously, they might see it as hypocrisy if you go through the motions of a ceremony where you make promises the God about your child's upbringing that, in all honesty, you will not keep. Fair enough; stick to your principles.
Have they read the Order of Service for baptism lately? Are you willing to go to the "preparations for baptism" course the church may want you to attend? I suspect this is more about the big family "do", everyone dressed up and parading the cute little bundle, etc. But I doubt if the "ladies at church" have been consulted anyway; their so-called opinions are hypothetical back-up.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Your DH was great. I used to get called ungrateful (my PILs did exactly this type of thing too), but my then DH would not back me up. Definitely return it together. You told them very clearly; they are BU.
If you want to start setting boundaries, then return it. If you want to keep having to battle them and deal with the drama then keep it.
This isnt about a swing, its about who is running your lives - you and your DH or your PILs.
Haven’t spoken to us since.
Enjoy the silence, and yes return the swing.
I'd sell the swing set and use the money you get from it to go towards the set you want. Your PIL sound absolutely horrible. What does your own mother think? Maybe she needs to perhaps be there in future if your PIL are invited over, to stand up for you and attempt to reason with them.
And preferably your father, if possible.
Really, they've burnt their boats now, haven't they? You aren't going to contact them, so they'll have to come back apologising, if they want to be part of your lives. Then you can have a cards on the table discussion and lay down the rules.
Start setting boundaries as sadly once kids get older ppl like your pil start treating them to this sort of bile too.
I think I’d keep and use the plastic stuff for now as your DC is so young.
If they have a key to yours change the lock and block them.
You’re better off without these people in your family’s life.
He can still play with it. Except at their house! My parents were like this buying completely unwanted presents. The worst was an enormous indoor bowling set that took up masses of room even when it wasn’t set up, though I’d told them not to get anything big! I wish I’d taken it round to theirs to set up in their front room as it still rankles. Stand your ground or they will continue along this path.
Just to add, they’d have hated it in their house. Just another example of people thinking they can trample on your feelings as theirs (in their view) are the only ones that matter.
You are amazing parents! Do what's best for you and ignore their negativity!
You did the right thing, they knew you didn't want it but they went ahead anyway.
Keeping the peace shouldn't mean you compromise constantly.
Good luck! X
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