To return “gift” to PIL?

[Pollypanda]

Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!

My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.

MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.

So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.

DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?

If you want boundaries you have to return otherwise the message you send is that they can over ride your wishes and yes you will be cross but you will get over it so they can carry on!! Return the swing and any future items that you have been clear you don't want they are not to buy. Set the message now for how you want the next 18 years to go!

Enjoy them not talking to you.

Don't reach out.

When they eventually contact you, ask them when would be a good time to return the swing.

You might get more 'no talking' .. win!

Plan firm boundaries in the meantime, and tell them you'll have to stop being in contact with them if they can't respect your boundaries. Mean it.

They've told you to Fuck Off. Take them at their word.

Then change the locks. Take the swing to the tip if it's no use to charity.

If they contact you lay down some rules and stick to them.

If they don't - Result!

Return the swing and change the locks. Let them make the first move to regain contact.

I'd sell it on eBay and use the money towards the one you want.

I was coming on to say what itswinetime said. You could offer them an option.
"We said we didn't want it, so we could sell it or you could take it to your house. Which would you like?"
But they need to know you are not keeping it or next time you say no to something they will think 'but we knew best last time - she kept it anyway so full steam ahead.'

There was a thread on here not long ago where a DM or MIL had bought a child a phone and set him up on various Instagram type accounts, despite being too young and his mum saying she didn't want him to have a phone. You don't want to get to this point, so make it clear now that if you have said you don't want them to get him a particular thing, then they don't get it. No discussion, no backing anyone into a corner.
You don't have to be angry, just a calm, politely insistent "We're not keeping it. Our preferred option is to sell it, so say something now if you'd rather take it back." They can shout as much as they want. Be a calm broken record - it's hard to fight with someone who won't engage.

100% sell it to help pay for the one you actually want. It's rude to do so but they are arseholes.

I would tell them that as they know, you will be getting him a wooden one in 4 months (Nov.) that you know he will love the plastic one they bought so maybe it could go their place after him birthday. It's a win win for the 1 yr old.

*his

enormous indoor bowling set
Snooker table here :)

I only set boundaries after I split from ex, and we now get on so much better! Almost better than they do with him :)

they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since. - sounds like a win!

Wait until they come to you. preferably with an apology, but otherwise don't you apologise! It's your baby - you have the power.

Let them come to you. Stand your ground and don't blink. Set this boundary, and the next one will be easier.

I think this is being blown out of proportion, to be honest. I can totally see why you are irritated by this, and the PIL have been highly tactless, but it sounds like they love their DGS and that their actions come from a good place.

I agree that boundaries need to be put in place. How are they able to access your house when you are on holiday?

Dialogue is the way forward, in my view. I never understand why there is so much advice to go NC. Silence rarely resolves anything.

And all this these comments about the baby constituting the power, you having what they want ie DS/DGS, are horrible. Your baby is not a pawn in some power game with your laws, FGS.

Stick to your guns. My DD’s ILs overwhelmed them with stuff too. They put their foot down eventually and after a period of huffy silence, the IlLs started to give money.

This was fine until last year. The children both still under 20 received a life changing amount. Fortunately they are both sensible kids who work hard. However no consultation was made with their Son or my DD, both of whom thought the money has robbed the children of experience a period of hardship and achieving things by their own effort.

Had they waited until they were 25 they would have been much happier.

Swings are a nuisance. The child has to be swung until it can do it on its own. A climbing frame is a much better garden toy.

"Haven’t spoken to us since."
I'd concentrate on keeping it that way. Unfortunately, returning the swing will re-open communications, so I'd be reluctant to do that. Either sell it on eBay, or give it to a charity shop. Maybe Freegle it, someone local could come and pick it up from you?

They cannot logically object - it was a gift and therefore yours to do with as you please. And maybe getting rid of it - should they ever try to get back in contact and therefore find out you HAVE disposed of it - well, maybe that will send them the message that they cannot impose their will on you, far better than your polite requests have managed.

You have to return it, otherwise you undermine your case. You can tell them not to ignore your feelings as much as you want, but they'll still be able to say 'ah, but you kept it, didn't you?'. If you sold it and didn't tell them they'd have no reason to think you didn't still have it. And even if you were to sell it and tell them you had, you couldn't keep the money for the same reason so cut out the middle stage and give it them back.

Then have the talk with them. They'll know you're serious.

These sound exactly like the type of PILs you need to go no contact with.

Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles? What principles?

babybythesea that was me, and instances like this is exactly how it started along with the feeling of you ruining things for the kids if you say no so you roll over again and again
Don’t do it op, don’t be me, it only gets harder
Your baby is only 8 months, not having a swing means absolutely zero to him right now, no need to feel guilty for sending it back and buying your own when he’s a bit bigger

Read lots of horrendous "in-law" postings on Mumsnet - and have came to the conclusion that I'm a GREAT MIL!
Seriously, though, you & your DH need to be more assertive with them. Your own suggestion about it being used at their house was ideal - their response requires an apology from them. The other good solution mentioned - would be to use the swing, and buy something else for your son (at one he isn't going to notice).
Boundaries need to be set - sooner rather than later.
I have the feeling you and your husband wouldn't ask for house-keys back, or change locks? Do you have house-keys for their place? Next time they go on holiday - exactly reciprocate what they did in your home - choose colours that know MIL would hate!
I'm a great believer in "Sauce for the goose" etc
Good Luck

Change the locks and give the swing to a charity.

How dare they throw away your bathmat? I’d have hit the roof at that.

I wouldn't return the swing. I would donate it to some place that wanted it as I am sure your in laws don't.

I was going to suggest this too - charity shop, local playgroup - whatever. Get rid of it and never mention it again.

And get your keys back.

Or better still - change your locks. They may have had spares cut.

I'm a lady who goes to church of grandparent generation. I hate it when people use the church as an excuse for a party, making promises which mean nothing to them so well done on the Christianing decision. What goes in your garden is up to you, I would store the slide if you can for a while and offer it to them if it gets mentioned again. If it's still there after ds's birthday ie once your slide is installed then sell or donate it.

See, my mum comes to my house when I'm not here, and has changed my shower curtain for a non-mouldy one! Difference is I was and am hugely grateful for her help and my husband is too.

They do sound difficult and like any help is conditional.