To return “gift” to PIL?

[Pollypanda]

Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!

My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.

MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.

So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.

DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?

Don't provoke them unless you want a permanent rift, which might be a good choice. Wait till they come to you, then you have the upper hand.

Why don't you go to their priest/vicar/whatever and tell him/her that you are sooooo disappointed that your in laws don't want to speak to you any more because they bought you something you asked them not to.
Say how you were so sad that they used the terrible language and you're worried that they may be suffering from some sort of mental health problem as it's really out of character for them to be so vile(!!)

Ask if he/she possibly act as a mediator to heel this terrible rift.
Then get them to explain their behaviour in front of their church leader and ask for your key back in front of someone they won't feel like they can bully/behave badly for.

See how the church ladies like that!!

I agree with pp's saying that you need to give it back otherwise they'll feel they've 'won' and will do it again.

Definitely change the locks If they have keys to your home, but you don't have keys to theirs, you are enormously disadvantaged - physically and psychologically.

I would not return it. I would donate to a local nursery/playschool.

I would enjoy the peace and quiet as long as it lasted and would not be in any hurry at all to contact ILS. If you return the slide that constitutes contact and you will get a reaction (probably unpleasant)

Then I would "lose" my keys and get the locks changed. Is DH on side? If so, this sounds like win-win. Why on earth would you want to change things by riling them up?

Change the locks before taking the swing back, otherwise they may decide to bring the swing back when you aren't there, to try and prove a point.

Personally I would ask for the keys back, so that they know that you are excluding them from your home. Otherwise, they might not even know that you have changed the locks or are planning to.

"We'd like the keys back as we've decided it's more sensible to leave them with a neighbour in case of emergencies".

If they argue you can add "and we don't like coming back home to find that you have changed and thrown things away without discussing it with us first".

Then change the locks anyway.

Sausagerollers has an excellent idea! I would do exactly what they said, it just may shame them into thinking. It may be the key, so to speak.

Jesus, why do they have unmoderated access to your house with their track record? You both need to establish and force boundaries, now. They’re only taking the piss because you have allowed them to in the past, so this is normal to them now as they are used to being this overbearing

Please get those locks changed, it’s crazy that you haven’t

Agree - locks changed, now.

'talk to them' - only works with reasonable people. Those who tantrum to get their own way, are unreasonable, and unreasonable-with. You do have the power - as a pp said, you have something they want. They now have to abide by your boundaries, which you have set as a reasonable person, setting reasonable boundaries.

It never fails to amaze me how many people out there have no clue about unreasonable, tantrumming and narcissistic people. And think you ABU by pushing back hard. They are the lucky ones. You need to push back, hard, to set normal boundaries.

It gets easier, when they realise that if they go too far, they will not see your child. That's not treating dc as a pawn - it's removing potentially toxic people from their lives. They are the ones treating dc as pawns - who only exist to make them look better (in the eyes of the Ladies at church, perhaps?).

Let them not speak to you...bliss! Then when they come back demand that they apologise and take back their unwanted gift. I’d also say that if you EVER ding things re-arranged or changed in YOUR home you will stop contact. See how they explain that to their church ladies. ‘Yes we interfered and meddled so much we no longer see our child or grandchild, more tea Marjory?’

OP I’ve got very similar PIL, I’ve posted about them here before. We gave ours a key and they abused it so instead of asking for it back (we didn’t trust them not to have a copy made) we changed the locks and when they mentioned it we said my key had snapped in the lock then just never got around to giving them a spare.

With tat we don’t want I give it back now because otherwise my house would be full to the rafters with shit B&M bargains toys and clothes we don’t want.

The thing to remember is that they want to see us more than we want to see them so the ball is in our court.

I’d sell it, add it to the fund for the one you want.

I'd donate it to the church she goes to.

The boats already rocking. I should let know they and their bad behaviour is no longer welcome.

Personally, i would use this golden opportunity to estrange yourselves from them. Their behaviour in treating your property like their own is appalling but they‘ve more or less got away with it, whereas telling you to ‚fück off‘ is outrageous. I would exploit it in order to cut all ties with them. I wouldn‘t contact them and i wouldn‘t respond to overtures.

Seatoski is right

Return it and start path to the freedom or keep and keep tethered.

I bet the ladies at church despise the cowbag

Try returning plastic swing set to shop and swap for something suitable. Go ahead and buy the set you want to get. Limit your time with them. Your house, your baby, your rules. If that means NC for a while so be it.

when you are a grand parent you have dreams and ambitions and sometimes get carried away causing offence without meaning to id say something but tactfulness might go a long way

They sound awful and are stepping over boundaries. Change the locks and don’t bother to contact them.

Great Post Mary lou

Sell the swing on e bay

You have the child = you have the power - weald it! (Polite but firm) And tell them that if they tell you to "Fuck-off' again - then you will!