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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return “gift” to PIL?

156 replies

Pollypanda · 08/07/2018 11:35

Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!

My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.

MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.

So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.

DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?

OP posts:
Blackpoolforever · 09/07/2018 22:17

I totally sympathise. I once dared (after about 3 years of marriage) to disagree with my horrible MIL and she then took herself off for a walk. After about an hour my husband took off in the car to look for her and found her 1.5 miles away. I could go on about this awful woman who is still (obviously) haunting me after 20 years dead - like how I was not good enough for her precious only son since my father was "not a professional person". I myself had a professional qualification but that did not count. However, her precious son and I are still happily married after 52 years. So stick up for yourself, DH and DC. Beat the b*h!

StealthToddler · 09/07/2018 22:24

My mil/fil asked if there was anything we wanted for ds1 when he was little. We asked for a balance bike as we had a couple of trikes we'd been handed down but wanted to move him on towards a bike.

They gave him a trike. When my husband said would it be possible to swap it for a balance bike they said we were ungrateful and if we didn't want it we should just give it to charity.

I hated it. It caused a lot of arguments. 8 years on it still gets brought up.

lololove · 09/07/2018 22:53

(haven't finished the entire thread yet, on page four but had to reply after seeing another post) If you'd accepted it, every time you look outside and see it it will niggle and play on your mind and you'd be irritated by it. It'd be yet another thing they 'win' and allow them to continue pushing boundaries.

Enjoy the peace, ignore the passive aggressiveness and use it to start setting boundaries :) Your bubs, your rules! :)

mylaptopismylapdog · 09/07/2018 22:57

I would have changed the locks and not given them the keys to the new ones after their rearranging, can’t understand why they would think it was OK to throw your stuff out without asking you.

mylaptopismylapdog · 09/07/2018 23:02

Sorry meant to add that in future give them a list of things you would like but leave of whatever you’ve chosen.

manicmij · 09/07/2018 23:52

Contact them saying you want to return the swing, if they go hyper, just tell them you are offering it back or else you will just donate it, They should but most likely won't by the sounds of them, accept it and can go for refund. At all cost make them aware it is an unwanted gift.

summerstorm · 09/07/2018 23:53

I’m mil to 4, I have keys for most of their houses, originally for helping with kids. I have always offered them back but have been told to hang onto them. I would never dream of taking advantage of this. In your case I would advise changing the locks immeadiatly and putting the swing in the garage/shed/attic or whatever and waiting until they make contact. When they do, which I guarantee they will,then give them it back, and suggest again that if they want to use it they put it in their garden because you want to use the one you had originally wanted. I agree you need to make a stand now because if you don’t your life will be hell in the future. Only 3 if my 9 grandchildren have been christened because that’s what their parents chose. Yes I would have liked them all christened as mine were but they are my grandchildren not my children and your mil needs to realise that and now not in years to come,when it will be more difficult to take a stand. I hope your dh is on board with this as that is very important. Good luck

SpaceDinosaur · 09/07/2018 23:54

Return the tat
Take their key to your home back
Set. Boundaries. Now

Singadream · 10/07/2018 00:10

I think you are v reasonably. This is exactly the kind of thing my ILs would do. And usually I say nothing to keep the peace but if it involves putting a swing in my garden and I already had my eye on a different one and had told them this then I would return it. Or ask if you can return it to shop and use the money towards the one you want for him.
My ILs never mean deliberately badly. They just think they know better than me.

Milisapill · 10/07/2018 01:19

This reply has been deleted

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marylou1977 · 10/07/2018 02:12

They are:
Treating you like children
Marking their territory
Trying to take away your “firsts. “
Make no mistake, this is a big deal. If you become a doormat, this will not be the last time this happens. Gird your lady balls and stand firm.

Hidingtonothing · 10/07/2018 02:26

I'm undecided as to whether you should store/return the swing (definitely don't use it, hold out for the one you wanted) and actually I'm not sure it matters at this point, whatever message you intend to send they will twist to their own version anyway.

What matters is that you absolutely do not initiate contact now, let them come to you and use the opportunity to dictate terms for future gifts etc, as PP's have said you hold all the power currently.

Oh and change the locks (Grin) but still ask for your key back if/when contact is resumed. If they have made a copy and try to use it, it will drive them mad that they can't berate you over not being able to get in without dropping themselves in it about the copy key Smile

toyoungtodie · 10/07/2018 02:32

It isn’t easy being a MiL or FIL to a DiL. I think it is conceded that it is one of the most difficult relationships to get right.
I wouldn’t behave like that now, but in the past when my first ( and at the time my only GD) was born, I must admit I went bananas.
I fell deeply in love with the baby and bought stuff for her like there was no tomorrow.
The difference was that it was my daughter’s child. My daughter just eventually said ‘ don’t buy any more stuff Mum without asking, as we have different taste and also you are preventing me from buying and getting pleasure from doing it ‘ i
That pulled me up short....and I stopped buying. But there is the rub...
Arn’t all relationships about communication and listening .
However, I just can’t conceive of telling any of my DIls or SILs to F off.
I am not easy going by any means and have lots of issues, but I am not stupid and have read a lot about relationships between MiLs and Dils.
I wouldn’t give the swing back though as it is just going to add fuel to this OPs relationship pyre.
The ball is really in the in laws court at the moment. I wonder if the DH in this case is a only child and this was their first GC?

Rednaxela · 10/07/2018 02:32

Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

Perfect! Let them not speak to you. Do not make contact!

Agree get rid of the swing, drive over and dump it at their house, or store in garage where you don't have to look at the bloody thing.

Hopefully this incident has been a lovely opportunity for you and DH to see their true colours and set firm boundaries from now on.

Kotare · 10/07/2018 03:05

I cannot understand how they think it is okay to tell you to fuck off over a minor disagreement about a gift! This is terrible behaviour to model to your DS - not to mention "unchristian". If you accept this it will set the tone for the next few years.

Doing nothing will probably infuriate them the most. Enjoy some peace.

ciderhouserules · 10/07/2018 07:35

when you are a grand parent you have dreams and ambitions and sometimes get carried away causing offence without meaning to id say something but tactfulness might go a long way - well, as a MIL, if you can't understand that letting yourself into your DIL's home and throwing out her things, rearranging her things, snatching her baby and demanding she feeds it how you want isn't boundary-trampling and controlling at the very least, then yes, you are probably a nightmare MIL!

Respect for the new mother with her child is key. And if you do get 'carried away' buying tat for your grandchild (that is, her child!), then she has the right to refuse it and you do not have the right to force it on them.

End of.

NewPapaGuinea · 10/07/2018 07:51

I’d love to know the answer to the question “What part of ‘we are getting him a swing’ did you not understand?”

MamaLupine · 10/07/2018 08:00

Speaking from experience, I would toughen up and don't worry about rocking the boat. I was a people pleaser and scared to stand up for myself in the past. Which meant certain in-laws took the piss and would just take my first baby from me. After I had my second baby, I didn't have time for their shit and wiped the floor with one of them. The resulting fall-out was horrendous but I don't regret it. Now it's all calmed down, they've all found their manners. I'd lay the law down now before it escalates. Best wishes.

thegreylady · 10/07/2018 08:09

I would use the plastic one for now as it will be light, comfortable and colourful for a baby. When you can afford the wooden set you can get rid of the plastic one. It will be Winter by then so less playing outdoors anyway.

Leapfrog44 · 10/07/2018 10:37

Write a letter in a very kind and conciliatory tone explaining that you're very grateful but you DID say you wanted to buy this item yourself because you wanted a wooden one. You're sure ds will love playing with it at their house and you hope to see them soon xx

If you're gracious but firm, you have the moral upper ground. They either take your lead and make peace or they act like cunts. Either way your conscience will be clear.

TheNewMrsTomHardy · 10/07/2018 12:01

PP was right about the pearl clutching and cats-bum mouths over on Gransnet about this thread and the one where the MIL keeps covering her grandchild in lipstick!

Seems it’s inhabited by a lot of MILs like your own, Op.

Sad
SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/07/2018 13:09

I am shocked! I didn't even know there was a "Gransnet"!

Zucker · 10/07/2018 17:31

Oh yes Gransnet. Lots of "estranged" mothers and mother in law with absolutely no idea what they could have done to warrent their estrangement.

It's the upside down to this place really.

MortyVicar · 10/07/2018 18:51

I think you're being unfair to Gransnet. I nipped over to have a look, and just like threads on here there are a few frothers but many more saying that what the PiLs did was totally overstepping the mark (and pointing out that the OP on GN presented a very misleading picture of what had happened).

Back to the topic in hand. Have you decided what you're going to do OP?

Cintacmrs · 10/07/2018 20:20

ironically sound identical to some of my PIL situation was also called selfish for breastfeeding - we had the same situation over a pram. it was too heavy for her to push (was a very very lightweight pram as i had some post birth difficulties and had to choose a light pram) so she brought one of those fold down buggy thing literally no support for DD who was very young I put my foot down explaining that it was not safe or healthy as no support- we were unreasonable even though we asked her to choose a different pram which we would happily pay for. This wonderful no boundaries had started well before DD born turning up when we had said we were busy- once we said sorry we will be out and they still turn up according to the neighbors they shouted at the house for about 20 min before going around the back and jumping the fence to check we were not in the house and shouting some more. We had a almighty blow out at the birth of DS and almost no contact for a year -( and an almost divorce) but I can say its the best thing I have ever done. I get to enjoy my kids without constant pressure or negativity