To return “gift” to PIL?

[Pollypanda]

Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!

My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.

MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.

So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.

DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?

[Lilyfleur]

labaz
when you are a grand parent you have dreams and ambitions and sometimes get carried away causing offence without meaning to id say something but tactfulness might go a long way


Agree

[Loreleigh]

Keeping the peace should not mean you have to tolerate having your baby snatched from you, being told how to feed and parent your child, or having your house rearranged. Your parents-in-law need to understand and learn to respect your boundaries, your home and your family. Personally I'd be tempted to tell them to fuck off and stay fucked off so you can enjoy your baby and home again. If they can't do this then all they are is a source of stress and I would be worried about the influence they would have on your baby as he grows up! Be firm, stand your ground, return unwanted items or sell them, make sure you and your husband present a united front, and do not be dictated to - good luck

[Twombly]

their actions come from a good place

Why is there always someone who tries to argue this on threads about pushy parents or PILs? Letting themselves in to the OP's home and rearranging the kitchen? Throwing things away and installing their own? Snatching a newborn baby away from its mother and denouncing breastfeeding as 'selfish'? In what parallel universe is any of this coming from a 'good place'?

[Blatherskite]

"You have to return it, otherwise you undermine your case" This!

Plus, if you sell it on, it's puts the onus on you to fix their mistakes in the future and they'll bring round even more shitty versions of things you mention on the basis that you can sell it and buy another if you don't like it.

The only way to deal with this is to make it their problem. Dump it in their garden while they're out if you must but you need to return it to them. They need to either decide to return it themselves or keep it in their garden and they need to know you want clear up after them.

And change the locks!

[ittakes2]

store it until things calm down. on a practical level - those wooden swing sets don't last that many years. you'd want one to last your son until he was about 10. We bought our's new and its is 7 years old and looking a bit fragile. I'd use the plastic until he was 3 and then invest in a super wooden one to last until he was 10.

[derxa]

store it until things calm down. Yes

[imnotreally]

Change the locks. And cancel the cheque.

[MumsTheWordYouKnow]

Bloody hell they sound awful!

[user1495390685]

They sounds horrendous, OP. I'd go ballistic if someone rearranged my furniture and chucked out my stuff! Your DP sounds like a good guy though.

I wouldn't return the swing. If you want to keep things civil, store it till they ask for it. And if they do, you can say: "Ah do you want it for your house? Great!" But then again, they swore at you, so I am not sure they'll be wanting to keep things civil.

We have had periods of not talking to DP's parents. Exactly the same self-absorbed behaviour. All the time. It was hard to keep the peace. When they eventually died, I wasn't that upset. And I know how harsh that sounds -- wouldn't say that about any other person.

[parentin]

Put in in their garden, change your locks and minimise contact. When contact needed do it in public places, the park a cafe a activity for the baby. One thing for sure words will not result in anything apart from rudeness. Consistent action required. They 'll get the message after a few years

[Hygge]

I would suggest returning the swing set.

You are right, if you've set a boundary you have to enforce it, otherwise they will ignore all of them.

We are estranged from my PILs. We've told them not to send cards and gifts to us, but they continued to do so.

Eventually we had to just ask everybody in the family not to bring or pass on anything PILs sent, and if they posted or delivered something themselves we would post it back to them. No note, no explanations (because they know why) just return whatever they sent.

We return everything so it has to be signed for, because firstly that means we know it's back with them and secondly it's proof that we aren't keeping anything.

Obviously things aren't quite that bad for you in your relationship with your PILs, but we had years of PILs doing similar things to yours before we were estranged and nothing else works.

Be clear in what you will and won't accept from them, and stick to it as a united couple.

[Pgs007]

I'd sell it.. put money towards a nice swing and slide set!

[CasanovaFrankenstein]

"Oh dear it's melted in the heat..."

[VerbenaGirl]

Put your foot down now - or it's just going to get worse. You are the parents and you have to firmly establish some boundaries with them. This is not an example you want your child to see as he gets older.

[fuzzywuzzy]

It’s odd isn’t it why down parents do this.

When I had dd1 my parents bought the cheapest nastiest cot and cane into my house whilst I was at work and put it up in the nursery so I couldn’t return it.

They’re wealthy and I never asked for the thing. They new exactly which cot I wanted as we had been discussing it. I can only conclude they enjoy foisting crap on me and keeping me down with rubbish they think I should have instead of getting above myself (I’m NC with them, over much worse behaviour).

I’d do as you plan, take the swing set back when they’re out.

And change your locks!

[RayneDance]

We had to ask Mil to return pushchair.. She said she'd get it and actually went and chose it herself! No consultation with me at all.
She then said she got second hand cot from elderly couple next door. We were never consulted... Asked....

[toxic44]

user1495390685
'I wasn't that upset'
I know exactly where you're coming from. Some parents think they have the right to treat grownup offspring as still being children and the parent is never in the wrong. OP, take control now, they have given you a good opportunity here, don't waste it

[lifeisabeachsometimes]

Change the locks

Store the swing in the loft, no point making a huge show of returning it

Take them at the word and fuck off indefinitely until they have come to their sense and apologise to you for being so rude and offensive. They are never allowed to talk to you in that way. I would be grateful to get rid of them once and for all.

If you take the swing back, you are likely to trigger meltdown number two when they come back with it, or call you up outraged. Don't engage.

Change locks, disengage permanently for now.

[Hepzibar]

lifeisabeach has it.

They have made their position clear, they told you to fuck off. If another adult said this to me that would be the last they ever heard from me.

If you were to return the swing you are joining in their game.

Take them at their word or continue to play the game an enable them to treat you like this.

[Timefortea99]

Dump the swing in their garden when they are out, change locks, don’t contact them. Let them come crawling to you. When they do, set ground rules. If they don’t come crawling, who cares? ( They will eventually cave, they will want to see their grandchild.)

[skodadoda]

If you do have any contact tell them that you do not want DS learning their disgusting language.

[ChrisNReed]

Allow them to stay 'Fucked Off'.
Ask them to stay 'Fucked Off'.
Tell them to stay 'Fucked Off'.
Tell them you are 'Fucked Off'.
Take your pick.
They chose to 'Fuck Off'.
Peace has broken out all over.

[Ary2017]

She sounds like a right c£*t
Particularly this bit:
‘literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle’
That’s unforgivable imo. Why do people think they have a right to feed someone else’s baby?! Ugh

Anyway, you are definitely not being unreasonable- send her piece of shit swing back. And also sounds like your husband needs to step up a bit and explain some boundaries to her

[MalloryLaurel]

My parents did/bought most of the 'first' things for ds1. Not ds2 though because they don't like him.
Change your locks. My parents let themselves in and took things with a sentimental value.
They would also buy the exact things we told them we were buying to watch the fun when we realised.
If you send it back you'll be the villain 'denying' them their grandchild.
Go no contact, because it won't end.

[MalloryLaurel]

They'll keep a copy of your keys. Change the locks.