To return “gift” to PIL?

[Pollypanda]

Made an account just to post this as I really don’t know if I’m BU or not!

My PIL are very very overbearing. Don’t want this to become an essay but for example, we once went on holiday and came home to find they had rearranged our kitchen, put down their own bath/shower mats and thrown ours away, etc. It got worse when DS was born 8 months ago.

MIL in particular has no boundaries, literally ripped DS from my arms when he was a newborn, has said I’m selfish for still BF as it means she can’t give him a bottle, had a shit fit when we said we weren’t getting him christened because “how will I ever look the ladies at church in the eye again!”, I could go on... she’s always trying to tell us how to parent, make us feel our choices are stupid. DH and I are both guilty of not speaking up as we don’t want to rock the boat.

So a couple of weeks ago they said they’d like to buy DS some new toys. Very kind. They asked did we want them to buy him a garden swing, we said no thank you as we are saving to buy him a wooden swing/slide set for his 1st birthday. Fast forward to a couple of days ago, they show up at the house unannounced with a horrible cheap plastic garden swing for DS. I couldn’t even hide how upset I was. It’s lovely that they buy him gifts but I feel completely undermined that they’d buy him a gift we’ve specifically told them we want to get.

DH told them they knew we were getting a swing ourselves, this wasn’t quite what we had in mind and why don’t they keep the swing at their house for when DS visits. Well needless to say they flew off the handle, called us ungrateful and told us to fuck off. Haven’t spoken to us since.

So my question is... WIBU to return the swing to them anyway? I’m torn between wanting to put my foot down to start establishing boundaries, and returning it because I do think DS would love playing with it. Am I being unfair on DS to return it because of my own principles?

[Pollypanda]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It’s great to get balanced, objective opinions.

To answer some of the Q’s...

I haven’t spoken to my parents about it.

They accessed our house via the key we gave them when we moved in “for emergencies” - if only I knew then what I know now! And no my DH would not ask for the key back so we’d have to change the locks. We don’t have keys to their house.

Talking to them is a great idea, and what we would love to do, but that implies they are reasonable people, which they’re not. Not once in the whole time I’ve known them have they admitted fault or even met us in the middle, on any issue. Talking to them always results in a tantrum on their part.

“What principles?” - good question. Maybe principle was the wrong word for me to choose, I guess I mean should I return the swing in order to help establish the boundaries.

I feel galvanised - I’m going to return it to them, but as doing so would create a huge argument, would I BU to do it when I know they’re out?! (Go round side gate and leave in garden)

[longwayoff]

Distance required. Leave the wretched thing in its packaging for when they decide to pop, round again "so its easier for you to take to your house". Dont indulge these idiots who dont have boundaries. Just say no.

[cloudjumper]

Don't engage with them any more. I'd return the swing, just get your DH to drop it off at theirs. And change your locks asap!

[HectorlovesKiki]

The sooner you stand up to these dreadful bullies the better. MIL should take a huge step back. They have undermined you by producing this swing, questioning your parenting, calling you selfish for BF? Who made her God? She has no right to judge you.
Your DS will not lose out because of your principles. Your principles are part of who you are. You sound like a great mum, bring your DS up the way YOU want & tell them to stop interfering.

[Treacletoots]

Bloody hell. They sound like my parents OP! And I've been NC with them for nearly 10 years, surprise surprise.

Whats likely to happen next is that when they've suitably calmed down they'll carry on as if nothing has happened and continue to ride rough shod a over you and DH. You have to make a statement now by action otherwise it will just continue at their pace and you'll have no control.

Return the slide. Or if you can, sell it and use the money towards the good one, just as long as they know they're not the ones in control.

This really is identical to my mother's behaviour and I can guarantee, they dont change.....

[Treacletoots]

Yes, return it when they're out. :) There's no shame in not wanting additional confrontation. Says the woman who is waiting for her neighbour to go out so she can move her bins (another thread)

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Agree, return it when they are out, and most definitely change your locks.

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

Drop the swing back when they'll be out, if you prefer and change your locks. Up to you whether you inform them you've done that.

Good luck!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Drop it back either when they are there, saying "We told you we are looking to get X a wooden swing set and we will be doing that when we think it is the right time. In the meantime, you can keep this here for whenever we drop around with X so it's available to play on here", or when they are out and then you don't have to say anything.

You don't have to tell them you've changed the locks but I would do that sooner rather than later.
Just wondering what your DH said when you returned from your holiday to find your house in a completely different state to when you left it? I would have gone ballistic then and this may not have been such an issue as they would know exactly how you feel about them and their bizarre behaviour towards you.

[Notevilstepmother]

How about wait until they are out and assemble the damn thing in their garden

[AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen]

Take it back to wherever they got it (if you know) and get yourself a credit note, or gumtree it and spend the cash something your in laws would HATE.
You've done nothing wrong, you don't owe them anything. Maybe at some point you can have a proper conversation with them about it all but clearly that's not going to happen any time soon, so keep contact to a minimum and crack on. And change the locks!

[Wildernessie]

What a ball-ache..take swing down the charity shop..tell the PIL so they got an extra reason to stay away/be pissed off&have nice ammo/gossip for the church "ladies"(coz charity is really Christian) U buy the one you want&shut the twats out of your life-everyones a winner.

[Nomorechickens]

Change the locks, return the swing and the bath mats, try to avoid them for a couple of weeks, don't answer their calls or the door to them. Use the time to practise either standing up to them or just ignoring what they are ranting about.

[ravenmum]

If you do it when they are out, that is far more confrontative than if you take it over there and gently but firmly say "We told you that we were getting a swing ourselves, so you shouldn't have bought this one." You need to stay friendly and firm, showing that you are doing something perfectly reasonable and expect them to go along with it. Not furtive, which looks like you are in the wrong and know it - and that anger is the expected response.

[Dljlr]

I think it's brilliant that they've told you both to fuck off and gone off in a strop. Problem solved. Regardless of whether you return the swing or not, you don't have to see them again (what DH does is up to him presumably). They sound toxic.

[ravenmum]

Or you could act annoyed, demonstrating through your behaviour that they are being unreasonable. When I stood up to my FIL it was with anger I'd worked up from his son's treatment of me. It worked. Confrontation can be like pulling off a plaster - brief moment of pain rather than faffing around and prolonging it.

[pambeasley]

Boundaries. All the boundaries. Change the locks, return the swing, and tell them to fuck off.

[Ohyesiam]

Well your choice is make boundaries or be a doormat.
While Them not speaking to you sounds perfect, o would be trying every way to ( patiently) assert myself against them, or tjis will escalate. They are using anger to control you, you will have to go grey rock and just stick up for yourselves and what you think is right, and what you want.
She had a go at bottle feeding with her son ( who needs to grow a spine).
Not rocking the boat means more of the same, and escalating.
You owe it to yourselves to rock.

[marylou1977]

Make your boundaries. Live your boundaries. If you engage in conversation about your boundaries they will think it’s a debate and it’s not. You have all the power. You have something they want, they have nothing you want. Do not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Let your inner Momma Bear out. They are now extended relatives and have no say in your household. MIL has no right to grab your child from you. The swing set is incidental. This is not about the swing set or even the bath mats. This is about them marking their territory over your family and trying to be superior. Don’t be afraid to stand up. Personally I would set the swing set on fire.

To give you context, I am a grandmother of a toddler. I would never presume to argue about her parenting. I know my place, and I am rewarded by being included in family things and they value my opinion when they ask it. Good luck.

[Birdsgottafly]

Was your Son in the room, or within earshot, when this happened?

That would be enough to not have contact again, until they understand that you are both Adults and they don't get to decide anything on your behalf.

I would put the swing outside their house, rally early in the morning and wait for them to get in touch.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

Donate it to their Church Garden!
And continue to stay 'fucked off'
Nc is truly blissful ime.

[longwayoff]

Yes OP listen to marylou she's got it right. Maybe not the fire bit, er, definitely not the fire. But everything else.

[AcrossthePond55]

Return it, change your locks, and enjoy the peace of them choosing to go NC with you. Don't cave.

[9amTrain]

They are interfering, manipulative arseholes to say the least.

Tell them to fuck off in return.

Repeat ad nauseum.