To think it's rude to not give a wedding gift?

[Choccolitt]

I'll try not to drop feed. DH and I got married two weeks ago. I can't bear invitations asking for money and don't really like gift lists either so we didn't have anything gift related with the invitation.

We had quite a lot of guests for the day (120) and then evening guests too. For those who were there all day we provided a bottomless champagne reception with canapes, a lovely three course meal with unlimited wine, and then for the evening do there was a hot buffet and money behind the bar so everyone had 2-3 free drinks. I'm giving this info now so no-one says we hosted to get gifts and were stingy because we weren't.

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists but to be honest I've surprised myself by how disappointed I've been by guests who chose to give us nothing. Some really well-off friends just gave a bottle of prosecco. I have friends who don't have much money at all and gave us a token gift worth about £10 which I thought was lovely but I am surprised some people came along to the full day empty handed or just with a bottle of prosecco. I can't imagine going to a wedding and not giving a gift.

Are people just so used to requests for money that if there isn't one they don't give a gift at all?

[lastnamefirstfirstnamelast]

We didn't want money or expensive gifts hence the lack of lists

Maybe people had no idea what to get you, didnt want to risk wasting money on something you didnt want? or maybe they thought you didnt want anything?

[myhousesmellsofIKEA]

YAB a little U. If I received a wedding invitation with no gift list, I would not know what to get as a present. I would assume that you didn’t want a gift. A lot of people would give a bottle of bubbly or some money so that you could put it towards something larger.

[sausagerole]

I think it's rude to expect a gift tbh. It doesn't matter what you have your guests a your reception, surely you did that to enjoy your celebration with them??

[BuntyII]

Oh god, a cousin of mine got married at Christmas and they've done nothing since but talk about the value of the gifts they were given, who gave what and how much money they made... made me v uncomfortable as I couldn't afford to spend much on their gift and I just know she'll have assessed the price and found my contribution wanting.

[PurpleDaisies]

Weddings are pretty expensive before you even get to buying a gift. I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

[blueyacht]

I think it's very rude to accept wedding hospitality without giving a gift.

Loads of people including close family came to my wedding and didn't give a gift as they'd had to travel; lots of people didn't come and didn't send anything, not even a card. I married into a culture where it's seen as a matter of family honour to be generous and my husband's guests lived up to the reputation, making the British guests look mean. The whole thing still rankles 15 years later and I wish I'd never bothered.

[CelticSelkie]

Once, I gave somebody flowers (to return to after honey moon) and she was offended. It wasn't on the list. I think people can be ungrateful brats. nobody is obliged to give you anything.

Also, at that point, I didn't know I'd be single forever, but being one half of a couple is such an economic advantage that I sometimes wonder if they shouldn't be giving some stuff away!

[Lweji]

Yes, it's rude. I'm sure people can find something that you could use and include a gift receipt just in case, or a gift card.

I wouldn't hold it against anyone and I never paid attention to who gave anything or what at my wedding, but it would surprise me if many didn't give anything. And I wouldn't dream of not giving one.

[Andylion]

I think it's rude to expect a gift tbh.

I would expect a gift, not because I'm entitled, but because in my experience, people give gifts at weddings.

If I had received an invitation without a list, I might have contacted the bride and groom, or maybe a close friend or relative, to ask if there was a gift list. I would definitely have given something.

[CelticSelkie]

blueyacht you wish you hadn't bothered to get married because your relatives didn't give you presents (even though they'd spent money to get to the wedding). ??

[Lweji]

Weddings are pretty expensive before you even get to buying a gift.

Good point, though.

Did you require long travel, hotel stay and a weekend hen weekend?

[Georgesmumwantscoffee]

Was this your first marriage and were you already living together? If I got an invitation without a list I would probably get in touch and ask if you wanted anything in particular. Bit torn to be honest, you are probably being a bit U to not be more explicit if you were going to get upset about it afterwards or to expect a gift,, butrt of understand why your upset.

[Petalflowers]

I think it's rude also, unless it was a destination wedding where everyone had to travel to Maoi for the wedding.

Even if there isn't a gift list, you can easily get a voucher for John Lewis, Argos etc. Our local smallish Tesco sells them!

[TabbyMack]

Wedding gifts were traditionally designed to help a couple set up home. Anyone who can afford to provide a champagne reception for 150 people does not need other people to buy them wine glasses & sheets.

It is not “rude” to not give a gift - it is rude to expect one.

[Petalflowers]

Ps. Congratulations on your recent nuptials, and your wedding sounds fab.

[CelticSelkie]

Yes, and if anybody interpreted my decision as rude I had to live with it, but as a single person going to couple's (obviously!) weddings, I often gave a very token gift (but a thoughtful gift).

It felt foolish to me to go in to debt or plunder my own limited resources to give to a couple who are shored up financially by having each other. That doesn't sound like I'm a generous person and I really am. But you can't give what you don't have and often, so much giving is just done mindlessly on autopilot because ''it's what you do'' that it's not even valued by the recipients.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It’s probably because you’ve gone about it in an unusual way - I’ve not gone to a wedding which hasn’t had a list, or request for vouchers, or SOME words about what to do about presents.

If I attended your wedding and didn’t know you well I wouldn’t have taken a gift to the reception as I wouldn’t know if it was possible for you to accept it or take it home - instead id have discreetly asked someone who knew you better and do what they did.

So if they said you were happy to accept gifts I’d have sent something afterwards.

[DryHeave]

If I accept an invitation, I give a gift of money approximate to how much it would cost to host me.

[blueyacht]

@CelticSelkie no I just wish I hadn't blown 20 grand marrying a man who clearly didn't love me. I found the whole big wedding thing very unpleasant and years later guests still comment about how much they hated the hotel/how hot it was etc. I just wanted a small informal dinner but other forces were at play

[Chickychoccyegg]

I think it's rude not to give a gift!

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Yanbu.

I agree, it’s rude not to give a gift.

[Starlighter]

It’s not about entitlement, it’s about being a good friend/relative and buying the happy couple of thoughtful gift, whatever that may be, regardless of value. A bottle of prosecco from close friends is so thoughtless and impersonal. Nothing is even worse!

I couldn’t turn up at a wedding without a gift! It’s just so rude. It’s very unusual for lots of people to do this though... Did they somehow get the impression you didn’t want gifts? A lack of gift list could suggest that (although I would always get something anyway!)

[justabunchofbunting]

I think its rude if you are a close family member. But I would count Prosecco as a gift. Idve been happy with that!
Unless it was my immediate family giving it as a gift!

I find that wealthier people do tend to use gift lists so if there was no gift list perhaps they thought you didnt want a gift?

We had no gift list but I did put on the invite 'If you wish to contribute to the honey moon fund just send bride or groom a message asking for details of how'
Which I thought covered it but wasnt too pushy. Left people the option of just not contacting us for details, but made it clear there was actually a honey moon fund if they did want to give money.

[minionsrule]

We went to a wedding last year along with some work colleagues, the invite said we don't need anything so no gifts.. we still clubbed together to get a gift voucher for a night away in a hotel, £20 each. None of us felt comfortable going empty handed