To not want to go to another couplesy dinner(262 Posts)
DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.
I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:
I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.
I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.
Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?
Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.
AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?
As I write I’m travellling many miles to go to a dinner I don’t particularly want to either. I have a cold and would much rather be tucked up in bed complaining I’m dying BUT you do these things for the people you care about don’t you. I mean your partner not them. Chin up it’s one night in many.
Oh OP, are you feeling a bit poorly?
<concerned head tilt>
You really should stay in this evening, no matter how much you want to go. Wouldn’t want to pass those germs around would you?
YANBU. Not at all. I thought you meant it was your dp birthday so thought you were BU but for his mates birthday can't see why you have to go! Fair enough if it was a once a year get together but it's not. I too would be happier with him going alone and having a bit of time for myself. Just say "not for me tonight dear, off you go have fun and come in quietly!"
Sadly I already said "just tell them I'm sick or something!" so I doubt I can now try and pull a believable sicky to DP.
I suppose it's the concept of it - why are you expected there as a couple? Is it to show a united front or something? Why can't friends just get together and have a good time, why drag partners into it unless its a gig or something?
Like I said I'd feel different if we were getting out and about on neutral territory. But (and I do know this makes me seem mean) its the stiflingness of it, and its the fact its always on "their turf", you know?
Life's too short. As others have said if it was once a year but you've just seen them. Invent a temperature, don't let dp into secret because he could be useless at lying decently. Send a lovely text and enjoy your night to yourself. Would your dp spend frequent long drawn out nights that he didn't want to withyour friends? Think like a man and put yourself first! (Joke!!)
No, on Thursday he said "Emily invited us around for Tom's birthday" and I was like "oh really?".
Then last night I said "by the way, I don't feel up to coming tomorrow" and he pulled a "sad face" and said "Noooooo! Why? I want to go with you!" Urgh.
I'll ask him why out of curiosity when he gets up but am asking MN over my morning coffee.
I mean seriously, if it were one of my friends, I would ask DP in case he would actually WANT to come with me, but in reality I would be more than happy to go alone, perhaps would even prefer it.
I think after a certain point, it's normal to have these sorts of couples dinners at home. It's very likely because of where they live. We have kids, so going out is a rare luxury anyway, but even when we didn't, we still mostly had friends over for dinner. We do have a pub about 10 minutes drive away (obviously depends how much everyone plans on drinking), but any other restaurants, cinemas, etc. are 25-30 minutes drive from us (or a very expensive taxi ride as they expect to be paid both ways to drive us out and then drive back to town).
But if you have to work the next day, then either your dh goes alone or you come home early, either by yourself or with him. Is there a reason you can't come home? Do neither of you drive? Either way, you're right, your dh should at least be checking with you to make sure you're free rather than assuming.
But if he's already said you'd come, I think it's probably too late to cancel now as they've likely already prepared for you to be there and it's not their fault your dh didn't ask you first. But next time I would make sure he knows you won't go unless he checks with you first.
Ah well he'll survive an evening with his friends without you! I guesss it's a choice between your comfort and his and he's pulling the guilt to get you to do what he wants. Resist!
Of course couples should not have to do everything together. This is a ridiculous expectation and leads on both sides to many events that are endured, rather than enjoyed.
However, it's better to try to start this practice when you are the one who is "sacrificing" something rather than asking your OH to. (i.e. bring this up the next time your partner is attending an event with you that you know he will find dull—and that will set the precedent for the next time)...
I think sometimes you just have to suck it up and do nice things for people you love, on the basis of course that your partner would do the same for you.
I was going to suggest a bad headache, dodgy stomach etc. but Jane beat me to it
I wouldn't go tbh, your husband is a big boy and can manage one dinner without you (unless you need to cut up his food for him).
Well the thing is my friends are very different as none of them have kids so they do stuff in town.
So two weeks ago two of my friends were playing (jazz band) and I asked DP if he wanted to join - too tired.
A few days ago I met another mate in a new bar thats opened - again DP didnt fancy it, had just finished work.
And thats totally fine! I was asking to make him not feel left out, I relish time alone with my friends and that works for me.
I just dont think its fair that he doesnt feel the need to present a united front except when its his mates dinners, unless there's something different about Dinner Parties, some kind of different etiquette Im not aware of?
YANBU not wanting to go.
The only etiquette issue is that now you’ve accepted the invitation, and it’s the morning of. It would be rude to back out now.
To be honest I think this is normal (after a certain age) and it’s maybe your friends who are the unusual ones. You don’t have to go OP, but personally unless I was feeling really rubbish I would go.
I don't think you can back out now, but next time it's ok to say no.
I'd make a deal with him before you go that you want an early night so you'll be home before midnight.
I hate flakey people but in this case I think it's fine to back out. As your DH will still go it doesn't make much difference to the quantity of food they'll need to prepare. They've seen you recently and it's clear your DH doesn't feel he needs to accompany you to social events with your friends, so why should you have to accompany him every time?
Seems like quite a mixed reaction here, which reflects my own thoughts.
I dont feel bad about pulling out, I never said yes.
I dont see I should have to, since he doesnt accompany me.
On the other hand, its just one night and would keep everyone happy...
Read some of the "DP wasn't invited to the wedding" threads and see how many people assume that once they are a couple they should be invited to every Christmas, birthday, wedding, dinner as a couple for ever after - or there is outrage and threats of going NC.
Never understood it myself - I'm with you OP
Completely! Fuck that! They're your/my friends, enjoy it, just because you're a couple doesnt mean you have to suddenly morph into the same person woth tje same activities, friendship group, interests and tastes!
Honestly, if you could convincingly pull off a sickie I'd do it.
Me and DP had this with one couple, always inviting us both but it was DP and the other guy who are friends. I don't particularly like the guy so don't want to be spending lots of time with him (a joy sucker and self esteem chipper awayer), the woman was really nice but I just wished they could do their friendship stuff alone. Then I looked like the anti-social one saying no to some stuff and felt forced to say yes. I think in some cases the man of the other couple wants his partner entertained while he has a friend over! Thankfully they've split up now so DP and his friend do stuff alone now.
Forgot to add... I prefer seeing my friends alone and then I can catch up properly, I don't work well as a couple with other people. But indoors just us we work well together!
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