To not want to go to another couplesy dinner

[twiney]

DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.

I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:

I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.

I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.

Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?

Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.

AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?

In a shared place, there cant be any shirking. OK, you have to get that notion our of your head RIGHT NOW! Some of the biggest problems are caused when one partner doesn't uphold their share of the domestic chores. Unfortunately it's usually the man. So don't think for one second that he's not going to expect you to carry the lion's share, especially if you're already doing his laundry and cooking his meals. If he and you spend the majority of time at yours and he doesn't help you clean up at least mutual messes or pitch in in the kitchen, why do you think he'll start doing so just because it's his home too?

Also, one of the most devious tricks used by a controlling person is to make their 'object' feel that they are being the controlling one in not giving in to their desires when what the 'object' is doing is simply saying 'No' as far as their own participation. Another one is implying that the 'object' has been 'loud or argumentative' when in reality they are simply responding to coercion that isn't stopping at a simple 'No'. So just examine the conversations you've had very carefully.

He does low paid, unskilled work (and presumably intends to keep doing so) and is financially subsidised by you. He brings you his washing and comes to yours for food?! No wonder he thinks it’s all great.

Wtf have you been skivvying after him for?

So you behave inappropriately but because he has pushed your buttons?

He's agreed to the evening for both of you when he knows you aren't going to be pleased with the idea.

If he didn't accept for you next time, what would happen?

How can he be insightful if he perpetually misunderstands you? Discounts your needs and feelings? Doesn’t really think about who you are and the adjustments you’ve made?

Why are you doing housework and wifework for him?

Attachment. We attach to people for their attractive and lovely qualities before we know how well we meld together or how they will actually treat us. And then, if it isn’t working, it is hell to disattach. But sometimes it is necessary.

Op, what do you think of the conclusion that people have come to that he deliberately stayed even later than usual just to punish you ?

"Coupledom" is largely bullshit, a myth promulgated by weak people to shaft weaker people. Personally I'd dump his sorry ass but, if you don't, at least let him know you are never going to another dinner party unless you damn well feel like it. Making you stay out till 5:30 am is dreadful and he should be hanging his head in shame. Am a chap, BTW.

@AnyFucker
I don't think that's true based on what I know about him.

However, I do believe it's a good example of the selfish streak: he was having a good time and wanted to stay so did. Our conversation either didn't even occur to him, or he just chose to disregard what he thought I would prefer. Either way, it's about him prioritising his.comfort.

Why couldn't you say at midnight or whatever time you wanted to go home?

Is that any better do you think ?

I really could do with finding a way of handling this side of me

Hah! This one is easy. How about finding a nicer partner?

And I know what you're going to say - you say it all above - he's gorgeous, funny, lovely, kind etc. etc. etc. The one hope I see here is that you're beginning not to believe that hype yourself, see also above.

People like this are such dishonest partners - one of the worst types, real emotional shysters -

'sunny, easy going him'

um -

'the past year I've cooked every single meal, done all the laundry, done pretty much all the cleaning, picked up the lions share of the tabs for stuff because I make more, supported him through financial disaster. And yes, whilst feeling homesick. I just think - give me a fucking break.'

sooooo sunny and easygoing!

but you can see it, you're not even lying to yourself very convincingly any more...

'I feel like if I had a very financially capable man who moved to my town and did my cooking and washing and integrated with my life, I'd be feeling pretty happy go lucky too.'

Well yes! Clever little shit, isn't he. Need any more examples? Here's one from you -

When we argue, this is what happens:
Me, boiling over from suppressed frustration and rage, exploding into a series of accusations.
Him, looking hurt and staying silent.
Me, waiting.
Me, finally goading him into actually reacting.
Him, telling me I am unreasonable and need to communicate better and not throw things back in his face all the time.
Me, feeling like a bully.

soooo sunny and easygoing. soooo bloody manipulative.

All I can say is, you KNOW. So have a good think. I'm also impressed that he's managed to get you to act like his personal handmaiden (cooking cleaning washing tidying etc.) when he doesn't even live with you, so gawd knows how things are supposed to change for the better when you actually live together. I think you're seeing that very much the wrong way around, by the way - it's when someone doesn't live with you that there tends to be a clearer idea of 'your washing is not my problem' etc. So if he's managed by dint of his sunny, oh-so-fake personality to get you running round after him already, I can't see anything changing for the better when you move. Perhaps that will be the last straw for you.

I don't think you're going to get what you want out of this, at all. His MO is cast-iron - as you say, you look like the spoil sport. He isn't seeing it because he doesn't want to - he's being dishonest and manipulative to get what he wants, not dense. He gets it. He just thinks he's more important. He is entitled. He sees you as just a bit lessser. If he didn't he'd pull his weight domestically and he'd listen to you and assume that you had equal say on your joint social life. He won't even let you decide for yourself whether to join him, but sulks and manipulates you into spending your time in ways you don't want to keep him happy.

If I were you I'd really think ahead to what your life would be like with children. I think you'll regret it if you stay with this guy - he is, at heart, a misogynist. One can always do better than a misogynist. Even a sunny happy-go-lucky one. :)

Could you go home without him when you are ready? Not joined at hip.
Good to have your own friends, and a few mutual ones. Perhaps he is just obtuse, don't row just do it your way and ask which bit of no he didn't hear. Best have discussion before rather than after the event.

Oh, and OP if you do start rethinking your relationship, please be sure to read up on the Sunk Costs Fallacy.

Oh dear. I'm afraid this prick is going to get worse, not better. His behaviour is all about training you to know your place (which is an appendage to him, a servant, a 'woman' he owns.) Once you're living together, you'll be doing even more wifework, and he'll give up pretending to be a nice, loving guy.

Can you get out of the lease? Can you go home?

Throw a sickie! If he didn't go to your friends' things then you are entitled to say no to his, especially if you're at work the next day!x

To go back to the original dinner party question - if it crops up again, as soon as he mentions it you say "No, I'd rather not, thank you." Then stick to that.
Don't get involved in any discussion or argument about it.
If he tries to persuade you, repeat what you already said.
If he won't accept your choice, tell him he's being unreasonable.
Say No and stick to it.

Twiney you reacted to the invitation because you KNEW how it would go. And it did. It's about how you go forward. Does he have the potential to change?

Had something similar this weekend. DH arranged for us to go out for dinner today with his friend, his DW and DC. Told us after he booked it and we only realised they were coming when the friend said so.

Neither me nor the kids wanted to eat out, but we were just painted as being miserable. But it was the organising it without asking that really wound me up!!

OP I've always found myself nodding along and agreeing when I read FizzyGreenWater's posts. They are always measured and accurate and offer very good advice.

He sounds manipulative and dismissive of your feelings. No wonder you end up blowing up, you must feel so frustrated at having your feelings belittled.

I agree it's a depressing thread. Especially reading you're moving in with him. He's sucked you right in

I don't know why you're complaining about this instead of doing something about it.

• If he says no to going out with you friends, you can say no to going out with his friends.
• If you do go out with him and his friends, and he's staying longer than you want, get a cab home.

In the instance that you describe, I would have suggested that you and the other woman who wanted to leave shared a cab between you and left the friends to it.

You're an adult, in a relationship of equals. You don't have to stay somewhere that you don't want to just because he says so.

"the past year I've cooked every single meal, done all the laundry, done pretty much all the cleaning, picked up the lions share of the tabs for stuff because I make more"

I was assuming it was a relationship of equals. Maybe not...

Does he do any of the shared work?

Oh, god this is depressing.
I guarantee that if you split with him now, in twelve months time you’ll look back and wonder why you were so blinkered.

This has so many red flags it could be a Parade route.

Please, please, please open your eyes. The LTBers aren’t being dramatic/hysterical/too quick to judge/ridiculous.

You will think we don’t get it because we don’t know him, or you’ll feel you’ve painted him in a bad light.

That’s not true. He looks bad because he is bad.

Things will only get worse with him. I promise.

OP, when you say you don't want to attend (yet another) dinner party, he accuses you of stropping and you end up internalising that and feel bad about it.

Yes when you invite him out to do something with friends of yours he says he doesn't feel like it / is too tired etc. And you say, that's fine, no problem.

Why are you the one who is always expected to go along with what the other one wants?

This does not sound like a healthy, fair relationship. I would be very wary of having children together (or even moving in together).

So I'm in France with French DH and I asked him about this. He said he wouldn't go without me. Which surprised me because I would absolutely go without him. After 22 years there are still some cultural things that catch me out.

he was worried about even asking me along to stuff now

I think the PP who suggested you have a look at this relationship might be on to something. If he really never joins your social circle but really expects you to tag aling with his, evn when he knows you are not enjoying it and they seem pretty frequent, well, theres an inequality right there.

DH and I are both on second relationships and generally, say the other is always welcome to tag aling but that there is crucially no pressure to do so. Your partner is expecting you to tag aling with his not never joining yours. If i understand that correctly, it might be worth a conversation. His social circle is not somehow the more 'valid' one.

twiney Just read your response further, felt bad during that convo because i know he had a point - but I also know that the relationship is "otherwise great" because i pick up so much slack: financially, "wifework" and moving for him, not vice versa.

Oh, dear, this isn't looking good

Him, telling me I am unreasonable and need to communicate better and not throw things back in his face all the time.

Goodness, he really is doing a number on you, isn't he? Seems like you are doing all the giving and he is doing all the taking, and yes, his problem with that is that you sometimes throw a strop. Goodness (again) this is not going to end well. Ohhhh nooo, they are moving in together.

Why?

This could be your opportunity to lay down some ground rules. We read so often here on MN about one partner not pulling his weight at home, thinking that earning more is an excuse for doing less 'wifework'. And here we have someone earning & paying more, and doing all the domestic stuff, and being pressured to join in his not-enjoyable-social events. No wonder you occasionally explode. And i suspect that that quite suits him too, so he can make the problem you 'lack of communication skills' rather than his monumental selfishness.

making me rethink that narrative.

Glad to hear it, twiney. This is such a socially useful function of MN, to give a sane perspective

He says he gets it,

He knows that he had got it made, he was upfront about his selfishness, is delighted to have you provide him with a free ride and is keen to keep you in line by making you out to the abuser.

there cant be any shirking.

Well, yes, but equally, you don't have anywhere else to go to escape the mess and chores waiting to be done. What do you want to bet that his tolerance for undine chorse will be higher an yours, no, wait, he will find some narrative about