To not want to go to another couplesy dinner

[twiney]

DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.

I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:

I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.

I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.

Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?

Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.

AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?

@Wallywobbles
:-S

Well he clearly hasn't learnt his lesson because despite us living mere minutes away from his family, he wants me to travel to another city with them all to visit another of his sisters for 4 days for NYE. I told him clearly no. So at least I'm becoming more assertive.

I then got a "nice" but guilt trippy message from his sister.

I'm already travelling for Xmas (leaving today actually!) to see my own family - it goes without saying that there was never even the slightest assumption he would come to spend Xmas with my lot.

Oh and obviously because yesterday was our last night together before Xmas, I gave him a (thoughtful!) present I knew he would love.

Obviously he didnt have one for me.

Obviously I won't get one on the 27th when I'm back because Xmas will be all over and dusted under the carpet by then.

Obviously.

I'll be sure to update you all though, "tinkly laugh".

Merry Christmas to all you wonderful MNers who have been a great support to me in feeling frustrated. And giving me a laugh on other threads. Here's to festive cheer and dinners with the people you love. My festive season looks set to be couplesy dinner-free, amen and praise the lord for he be good!

Xxxx

Oh, very glad to read your update, twiney. Happy Christmas to you and yours.

Ok now read it all. Slightly similar situation. Lived in France for years. ExH is French, let here, had 2 kids. Divorced etc.

Met DH 6 yrs after divorce. 3 yrs on I + 2DDs have moved in with him +DCs to his house, which he has paid to renovate for us all. All 4?kids have changed school to go to a v good one together. I stopped working which I found v hard.

So differences - he does all the school runs. I cook cause they are all out 7-7. He does washing/tidying up. He does more of the work at the weekends. Never expects me to do anything. Obviously i do loads too, but it's not demanded of me. If I lie in he brings me a coffee in bed.

He helps massively with my animals, even taking day off to catch the fucking sheep for the vet. He's learnt to ride to share my interest. He comes to endless competitions to watch my sister when she's competing in France.

He is aware that I miss my friends badly. I meet them regularly for v long lunches in big town between old place and new place which is where I now work occasionally, where kids are at school and he works.

We have my mates to stay a lot with dogs, kids etc. He does extra those weekends so I can profit from friends more.

He does not stop when he's at home to make up for me and DDs having been the ones to move.

He knows I fucking hate being a housewife. Don't mind the mental load so much but he never takes that for granted.

He used to be the last to leave social occasions. I explained that when I say it's time to go. IT IS TIME TO GO. When I reach my limit I will leave without him otherwise. It has never been necessary. Kids father is a drunk. He knows he cannot be drunk in front of them or me. They count his drinks. Shit for him, but he sucks it up.

Do you see the difference? He really understands that we've made a sacrifice and he's very very grateful. And shows it.

Have a lovely Christmas with your family Twiney. You deserve to spend it with people who truly love and care for you. It doesn't surprise me that he didn't get you a gift, or will be visiting your family with you.

I hope you get out of the lease and don't move in with him, it would be a massive mistake. Perhaps spend this time reconsidering your relationship.

It's good you are able to be more assertive. And fantastic that you will be spending Christmas with your family, who hopefully love and appreciate you and put you first.

You deserve so much better than him, you know that don't you? What makes it hard to think of separating from him? Feeling guilty, scared of being alone, looking foolish for taking a gamble that didn't pay off? There is always a way through, though it may be hard to see that at times. Life is too short to compromise this much x x

He didn't get you a gift and has no intention of getting you one, even now he has his gift from you??
That's not nice.

I hope you have a lovely, loving Xmas with your family.

I think I mentioned it before, but PLEASE read up on the Sunk Costs Fallacy. I think it really applies to where your 'head' is at with this man.

Good for you for saying no and laying down a boundary. Enjoy Christmas with your family and ignore the bullshit double standards and guilt tripping.

No Christmas present to you?! Fuck.

Sunk costs fallacy is definitely worth researching as a PP wisely said.

YANBU not wanting to go. The only etiquette issue is that now you’ve accepted the invitation, and it’s the morning of. It would be rude to back out now.

Next time you're invited, tell your DP you would rather he went alone.

I hate it that some friends always insist you go to them. You get to do the long drive home, while they get to drink too much.