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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to another couplesy dinner

261 replies

twiney · 16/12/2017 10:40

DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.

I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:

I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.

I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.

Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?

Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.

AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?

OP posts:
apoppetonastring · 16/12/2017 22:33

@AnyFucker

I reckon op is currently sat on a very uncomfortable chair where she has been for the last 3 hours. Her arse is numb. She has overeaten just to occupy herself and now would give anything to be horizontal in her dressing gown. She has drunk too much wine. She would give anything to take her bra off. She is sick of Brexit chat.

She is drumming her fingers waiting for the whisky course. She knows it's coming but is unreasonably pissed off at not knowing when. She doesn't even want any (fucking) whisky.

She is throwing shade at her partner who is pretending not to notice. When they get home in about another 4 hours he will want a leg over and she will prefer to kill him instead

Bah hahahahahaaa!!! Grin We have all been there!

SealSong · 16/12/2017 23:23

Ah, Anyfucker Grin. Have you ever thought of taking up writing?

AnyFucker · 16/12/2017 23:24

This is my life it's not fiction Grin

Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 01:36

FYI its currently 2.30am here, we had a massive argument before we left the house 7 hours ago, and yep I'm still here, smoking a fucking cigarette in the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 01:40

Plus i really need to go for a shit but can hardly do that here can I?

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 17/12/2017 01:47

Do it. (Not in the garden though).

LoveInTokyo · 17/12/2017 01:59
Gin

I am abroad in my OH's country too, although we live together. At least you have your own fun friends to go out with - I don't (yet).

Most people here are very nice but the unnecessary remarks about British people can get quite annoying.

I hope you get to go home soon!

Original poster
twiney · 17/12/2017 02:00

In case you were wondering...took the dump. On the cointreau now.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 17/12/2017 02:08

Ugh, feel your pain. Staying in (on your own) is the new going out.

blackdoggotmytongue · 17/12/2017 02:12

Uh it’s pretty normal to invite couples to dinner parties... i’ve Been to eleventy billion and they have always been carefully balanced affairs with all partners. I’ve never ever seen half of a couple there unless the missing spouse is on an operational tour in a war zone, and if that’s the case, a singly or some other addition has been invited so the person with the missing partner doesn’t feel awkward.
In twenty five years I’ve never known anyone only invite one half of a couple to a dinner party. Or for only one half to decide to go. Confused
Sometimes people do leave a little earlier if they have to relieve sitters, but never before midnight...

blackdoggotmytongue · 17/12/2017 02:15

We need an update on the guests though... Grin

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/12/2017 02:18

My friends like to do dinner parties. I wasn't generally invited when I was single; or with an ex that they didn't like, although we're close enough that I could have invited myself if I wanted.

They do a dinner party a month or so now; a few couples. I always check with DP if he's happy to go, and he generally is - but I think the difference is that we also go out to restaurants, go to the cinema, go out for drinks.... we spend more time in pubs both together and with other couples than in anyone's house. I do the same for his friends and we both see friends independently too.

Here I think you need a chat about your differing opinions of what is "fun"; and yoy need a compromise. It won't be easy; but it's the only way to prevent arguments and eventual resentment. That doesn't mean you go all the time; but maybe you go sometimes and sometimes he comes with you and the rest of the time you invite people out with you?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 17/12/2017 02:38

Anchor so they just didn't invite you when you were single then started once you met someone? Hmm Didn't you find that odd/unkind?

We have single friends who join us and other couples for dinners at our homes. It would be weird not to invite them unless they were coupled up!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 17/12/2017 02:39

BlackDog really!? My DH and I sometimes say "Oh you go...I want a night in." and nobody turns a hair! Our other couple friends are the same.

blackdoggotmytongue · 17/12/2017 02:44

God i’m In the wrong circle. There would be teeth sucked over the broccoli soufflé...

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 17/12/2017 03:18

Ha ha! My friends are all very relaxed about this stuff. For example, if I wanted to organise a playdate with my DD and one of the couple's DC...I could ring either the Dad or the Mum.

I've noticed other people always put that stuff onto the Mother.

Equally, my DH will drop by the houses of our friends without me and so will I...they also visit us separately as well as together.

Tanaqui · 17/12/2017 07:10

Actually, I think their child having SN changes things- obviously it varies, but it might be much harder to leave them, put more strain on family finances, etc. So I think yabu about going to theirs, but YANBU at staying till 2!! Leave by midnight!

MuseumOfCurry · 17/12/2017 07:15

I don't blame you. My husband's BFF is a single fella and they do weird things together without me and I'm so bloody grateful. I just stay home and catch up on bad TV and go to sleep at 9 when he visits him.

Whinesalot · 17/12/2017 07:15

I would never dream of leaving single friends off an invite list, but I wouldn't invite anyone else to even up numbers either. How bizarre and old fashioned.

whiteroseredrose · 17/12/2017 07:47

It could well be a cost issue for the other couple. A bog standard meal out for DH and I cost £50 a few days ago. We would probably spend more than that if we went for a night at the theatre and a couple of rounds of drinks for 4 in a local pub would be about £30. That's why we rarely go out.

For a dinner party however £50 would buy food and drink for 6 or more.

Lethaldrizzle · 17/12/2017 07:56

As someone married to an unsociable dh who frequently pulls out of arrangements or just doesn't agree to go in the first place, I think yabu. You are a couple. 2 dinners in one year is hardly going to kill you. However I would definitely negotiate an earlier finish or just get a taxi home on my own.

TathitiPete · 17/12/2017 08:09

2 dinners in one year is hardly going to kill you

She was there two weeks ago though so it's more like 2 dinners in a month. Or one every other weekend. In any case its 9am in France so I'd say OP is home by now.

ForalltheSaints · 17/12/2017 08:15

This thread describes something that is a form of torture, and lesser things have been cited as contrary to human rights.

The OPs wish was perfectly reasonable.

(In case you are unaware, I am a man).

AfterSchoolWorry · 17/12/2017 08:22

You went?!! Xmas Shock

What happened, how come you went?

I would tell him that's the last time. Fucking hell, that evening sounds my idea of hell. Enforced socialising while choking down too much food and drink. Xmas Sad

diddl · 17/12/2017 09:01

Oh dear lord-it's bad enough that you went-but to stay so ridiculously long!

Just why?