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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to another couplesy dinner

261 replies

twiney · 16/12/2017 10:40

DP has a very good and old friend and today is his birthday. We're invited round for dinner.

I dont want to go this evening. Reasons:

I'm tired and today is my only full day and night off as I'll need to do some work tomorrow.
I just fancy a night in.
We had dinner with them a fortnight ago.
We'll be expected around 7.30pm and then the night will go on and on until about 2am.
I have no way of leaving earlier as its out in the sticks.

I just dont understand why I am expected. They're nice enough but I dont have much in common with them.

Why cant DP just go and celebrate his mate's birthday with him and leave me to it. Why is there an expectation when you are a couple that you do "Couplesy Dinners"?

Disclaimer: all of DPs friends are real home bods. So for example theres no (and believe me I've tried): going out to eat, going down to the pub, going to the cinema, anything, even coming to mine. Its always going to theirs to eat for a long drawn out dinner, which to me feels boring and claustrophobic.

AIBU to feel this way and want to stay home?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/12/2017 12:20

Christ, yes

We have friends who in the summer insist on inviting us at 4pm. By midnight I am screaming inside. A couple of times when we have arrived they haven't even showered and got changed yet Confused

Unfortunately, the invites come through DH who sees the male partner the night before in the pub and he is Mr Sociable. Therefore, we have had many disagreements as he thinks I am grumpy and unfriendly and I think he should say "We can't get there until 7 especially since last time we came at 4 you fucked off to the bathroom for an hour and left us staring at the wall". I would have done anything to be back home on my own sofa in my slippers Smile

whatsthewificode · 16/12/2017 12:21

I totally get why you don't want to go but you really can't pull out now.
You need a frank exchange with DH about accepting invitations without consulting you.

It would entirely reasonable to tell them you need to leave by 11pm as you've got work tomorrow.

WasDoingFine · 16/12/2017 12:23

It's my idea of hell

Original poster
twiney · 16/12/2017 12:24

@ReanimatedSGB
@AnyFucker

Oh, I hear you and then some.

The thing is I'm 30, all these couples are in their thirties. You have your whole fucking life to sit at home eating shepherd's pie and discussing your daughters progress in life. Cant we go to the theatre and get pissed on mulled wine at the Christmas market or something? I'm not suggesting body shots at Walkabout followed by a few grams of coke at someones bedsit or anything!

By which I mean I get your cosy domesticity point Reanimated, but we're in our 30s FFS!

OP posts:
Original poster
twiney · 16/12/2017 12:25

@WasDoingFine
😂

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 16/12/2017 12:28

As I said a few messages ago indigestion after eating late at night is one of the pitfalls of getting older.

WinnieFosterTether · 16/12/2017 12:29

I think the etiquette is different for dinner parties. Traditionally dinner parties had even numbers and I think that people still adhere to that whether subconsciously or not.
When DH and I first got together, he used to complain about my friend's dinner parties but I only invited him out of politeness tbh. I loved attending on my own because they were such good friends that we would all help out in the kitchen, help ourselves to drinks, etc. We spent so much time at their house that it felt like a second home and they were fab hosts. Of course, that's no use to you because your situation sounds completely different and miserable. But you have made me grateful for my lovely friends Grin

AnyFucker · 16/12/2017 12:30

I am probably more into the "cosy domestication" than you op ( I have a couple of decades on you), but I want to do it at my house

I work hard all week, have my own lovely home and bloody well object to sitting on someone else's uncomfortable dining chair for hours on end chatting about shit I have no interest in

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:32

I'm 49 and have always gone out socialising even when dcs were little. On my own with friends or dh. Sometimes meals in houses but didn't mind them.
I still do couple things now but live going to the pub especially when live music is on. Was at a Cure tribute the other night. Mortal and embarrassing but meh.

I agree there seems a social imbalance but that doesn't have to be a problem. Just say no.

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:33

Love going to the pub *

mirialis · 16/12/2017 12:40

The problem with early invites in your 30s is it's all based around the dc. The invites are always phrased as "come by 5ish if you want to see the DC" and just don't feel we can say, actually, no, we really like your DC but what you are really inviting us to is an hour of so of playing with them (fine) and then sitting there while you go through the whole rigmarole of feeding and bathing them, getting them ready for bed, asking us if we'd mind reading them a bedtime story, one form of argument... and the evening doesn't start until 8 o clock, which is a perfectly reasonable time to have just invited us round to dinner in the first place. DH and I do a tag team on this now - if it's his mate then he goes early and I "have something on that afternoon" but come in time for dinner and vice versa if it's my mate.

Oldraver · 16/12/2017 12:41

Do you why DH needs you there ...? Who drives ?

JeNeBaguetteRien · 16/12/2017 12:42

Seems like quite a mixed reaction here, which reflects my own thoughts.
I dont feel bad about pulling out, I never said yes.
I dont see I should have to, since he doesnt accompany me.
On the other hand, its just one night and would keep everyone happy...

No OP, you're not happy then. A few times a year fair enough, go to people's house for dinner but I totally get how you could feel stifled. You haven't said yes so I wouldn't worry about being rude. It will be interesting to see if your DH stays til 2am without you there or whether he'll be bored.

Honestly I do go to events or work nights with DH sometimes if he really wants me to and could do with support. But this is his friend's birthday, I'm sure he doesn't need you to hold his hand.
Enjoy your precious Saturday night.

diddl · 16/12/2017 12:43

The stupid thing is that you stay long after you want to-why?

If you don't want to go then don't, or if you feel that you must, go on your terms.

Honeycombcrunch · 16/12/2017 12:45

YANBU, I hate boring dinner parties. DH and I are older and we're both at the stage where we happily refuse invitations like this if it doesn't suit us. These people sound like they're older in attitude than our friends who are mostly retirement age and growing old disgracefully.

It's ok to say 'I'm exhausted, I'm not going because I'll either fall asleep at the table or be really grumpy with these friends (because they're boring old farts). I'm happy for you to go on your own' then just stick to it.

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:47

Mmm cosy night in watching films with snacks for you OP. Go to bed anytime. Few hours of time alone. Bliss.

happypoobum · 16/12/2017 12:48

Gosh, no, I wouldn't bother. Is he always a bit funny about going places without you?

Or does he want you to drive?

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:50

Yyou might have a point there happy.

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:50

You

KnowItNo · 16/12/2017 12:55

I think the etiquette is different for dinner parties. Traditionally dinner parties had even numbers and I think that people still adhere to that whether subconsciously or not

Yes I went to a dinner party for DH's friends birthday recently - 6 couples and was really surprised not to see one of the group there who is single and turns out (found out later, did not ask at the event!) they weren't invited, which is ridiculous as they are much closer to the person whose birthday it was than me.

We were all standing around having drinks before dinner and then it was announced "sit anywhere but just make sure it's boy, girl, boy, girl".

What? Why?!

hmmmmm · 16/12/2017 12:59

What century are we living in?

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2017 13:03

Horses for courses, isn't it? DH and I are 'homebodyish' yet still enjoy the occasional night out. But neither of us would even think of accepting an invitation on the other's behalf.

I think you should go this one last time since it's technically a birthday celebration and DH has apparently already said you'd both be there. But I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that he is NOT to accept another invitation that includes you without checking with you first.

Dinner parties can be great fun, at least here in our neck of the woods.

onalongsabbatical · 16/12/2017 13:08

Christ, I'm 62 and this would drive me bonkers. Always up for a movie and a meal out at the very least.
Have they had entertainment bypass surgery or summat? Grin
Don't go, OP.
I'd be at the point where I'd be insisting either we do something interesting with them or it's over with them, he can have them to himself.

Original poster
twiney · 16/12/2017 13:08

Nope definitely doesn't need me there for driving!

I think he needs me there for the whole aww aren't we all cute, all of us couples being couples and doing couples things, yay!

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 16/12/2017 13:08

I struggle with couplesy nights out too. I'd much rather just go out with girls really.

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