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To hate the "don't settle" fantasy.

(211 Posts)
dizzycatdance2 Sat 02-Dec-17 09:40:39

Bit jaded ATM so may have a clouded view, but I'm sick to death of the "don't settle" message.

Now , don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating staying in a dv /ea/fa etc relationship.

More the thought that if your current dp/bf has some "flaw" then get rid, get a better one, you deserve more, "don't settle". All ,in essence,good advice

Well I'm a 50 year old single mum to 4 teenage dcs, ex walked out 5 years ago, my physical appearance is heavily affected by scarring /severe skin condition.

In terms of OLD I'm just not " it" and in real life I just never , and I mean never, get approached.

I don't have the choice to "not settle" in the first f**king place.

Sorry for the rant, but the "it will happen when you least expect it", "there's plenty more fish..." Etc gets my goat, and it's usually said by those IN relationships.

I'm expecting all the "well if you were more positive" messages but if you were to meet me you'd think me (so friends have told me) happy,funny and generous,

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 02-Dec-17 09:50:39

I feel your pain. I never get much choice either, certainly not to the extent of being able to pick and choose. I'm very plain, and of the variety 'good for a shag but not someone you want your mates to see you with'. I feel bloody lucky to have had my kids (with a man who
made it quite clear he thought he was doing me a favour and expected me to do EVERYTHING for him in return). Now have a nice-enough BF, not really my kind of man but steady, and as I'm pushing 60, I feel bloody grateful to have anyone!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 02-Dec-17 09:55:02

Well nobody should be 'settling' because a) they know it and b) it can only do damage to their self-esteem having to have somebody/anybody rather than being on their own and making their life what they want it...

BUT, everybody has different ideas of what they find attractive in a person in looks, character, 'way', etc., it's the 'whole package'. You're conscious of your scarring but is it something perhaps that is just more obvious to you and not to other people but you project it in your mind as so much worse than it is and somehow that draws attention to your 'down' view of yourself?

Online dating seems very brutal for many people. Can't one of your friends introduce you to some of their male friends? Arrange a group of you all to go out so that you and they can build up friendships? I don't ever underestimate the power of friendship because the number of couples I know of who started off as friends and it grew from there, would be heartening to you.

I don't know if you're a positive person or not so you won't hear me feeding you lines about that. Everybody vents from time to time.

I would try, if I were you, to ignore the clichés. People can be lazy and I don't accept that they 'mean well', they just don't want to think about what they're saying and the impact to you so they come out with that old tripe... a bit like the karma-spouters. There aren't plenty more fish that will appeal to you and you to them necessarily and things don't always happen as you'd want, whether you're expecting them or not.

The only thing to do is carry on doing what you're doing. Tackle any physical things that are bothering you, regardless of whether you think they're a barrier to relationships or not. If you feel better about yourself then a) it will show (whether you believe that or not and b) whether you have a partner or not won't be the be all and end all.

Osolea Sat 02-Dec-17 09:58:07

I thought the 'don't settle' message was more about being better off on your own than about dumping and finding someone better. But i do get where you're coming from.

NumberEightyOne Sat 02-Dec-17 09:59:49

Nobody is perfect. Every relationship has some element of compromise.

Battleax Sat 02-Dec-17 10:00:54

It's still a choice.

Butterymuffin Sat 02-Dec-17 10:01:14

I get what you're saying. There as a middle ground between putting up with anything and everything, and dumping for characteristics you don't like. More fool on others if they don't see the good qualities in you that your friends do.

Gwenhwyfar Sat 02-Dec-17 10:02:51

"I thought the 'don't settle' message was more about being better off on your own than about dumping and finding someone better. "

No, it's usually used with the argument that you'll find someone else.

I think you're right OP. You might give different advice to your children, but it's true that we don't all have the same options and those options decrease as we get older.

dizzycatdance2 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:03:37

I'm not looking for dating advice , thanks anyway.

Just to vent the "it'll happen" brigade

I'd never dream of saying that to some one ttc (please don't think im minimising ttc BTW)

I'm pretty settled in my life, a dp would be great ,I think, but who knows if it would upset everything.

Im just fed up of the certainty (of others) that if you want a dp you can just "get" one

ChinkChink Sat 02-Dec-17 10:04:19

What Oselea said. The options are not just either 'settle for this one' or 'get rid and find another'. There is a third way in which many of us have found peace and happiness.

foxyloxy78 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:04:24

Men are highly over rated anyway.

Boulshired Sat 02-Dec-17 10:08:05

The advice on whether it tight to "don't settle" does depend on the individuals. I know people with too high and too low expectations of present and future partners.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno Sat 02-Dec-17 10:10:23

OP I totally agree. When people bang on about not settling and deserving better they are forgetting that we don’t live in a romantic comedy where we all we have to do is act coy, swish our hair and get to choose between 2 non porn-watching men who both want to commit to us!

Women have a finite timeline when it comes to having a family, we mostly don’t look like models and we’re mostly not brimming with body confidence.

“Don’t settle and wait for the right man” is idealistic tosh.

Fortunately there is a third way..

Don’t settle, be single, find your happiness in other things and if the right man comes along it’s a bonus.

Battleax Sat 02-Dec-17 10:11:33

Fortunately there is a third way..

That's the whole point. You have to start with that.

surferjet Sat 02-Dec-17 10:12:47

Op. I get what you’re saying.
Very attractive ( usually younger ) women have far more choice in men & can pick & choose. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us have to ‘settle’ for anything!
There’s plenty of lovely, not so great looking men who’ll never get a gorgeous girlfriend - most of us are just average.
The don’t settle means you’re better off on your own than with a real pig. one is perfect & we all have to put up with minor character faults.
Common sense & gut feeling are all you need here.

brasty Sat 02-Dec-17 10:13:20

Agree that as you get older finding someone good gets very hard. But trust me I am no oil painting, I met DP when I was young, and he is great. So when you are young, no I don't think you should settle. As you get older, yes it does get much harder to meet someone else. Which is why most single friends I know about your age, have decided to remain single.

dizzycatdance2 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:13:37

Single, ltr, fwb what ever suits YOU

, I'm not craving a relationship just for the sake it but the idea that you can just "get" the relationship you want annoys me.

A bit like the "make new friends" comments on mn.

Some people do just "make friends" and some don't.

Maybe the "don't settle" advice comes from those who do find meeting new partners easy and so are baffled by those who do "settle"

LittleKiwi Sat 02-Dec-17 10:13:45

I found your post heartbreaking - I can’t imagine how someone can walk out on their family.

Lucky you with such nice friends and four children tho. Best of luck x

MiniTheMinx Sat 02-Dec-17 10:14:13

I don't agree with the attitude of "what do you get out of this relationship" as though a relationship is something you make withdrawals from. I think even the best relationships are that way because a lot of work goes into it behind the scenes. However no one should break their own spirit to remain in a relationship, and for some people being single is not just a reality but something they are happy with.

But yes, you sound jaded. Are you saying women should just be grateful any man is interested in them?

KetleyS Sat 02-Dec-17 10:14:48

I’m constantly amazed at what women will settle for.

Would rather be happy on my own with the hope of something better in the future than be attached to most of my mates husbands.

brasty Sat 02-Dec-17 10:15:40

I think a good relationship should not need a lot of work. But I am also aware that both DP and I know how to have a good relationship, so maybe it is different if you don't.

dizzycatdance2 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:16:12

I do see the other meaning of "don't settle" eg better to be single, absolutely right

brasty Sat 02-Dec-17 10:17:43

I think being single with friends, is better than being with the men many women are. A relationship should make your life better. If it is not you are better off on your own.

brasty Sat 02-Dec-17 10:20:01

Also wanted to say to the person who said above about making friends not being easy. For most people it is not easy. But worth it. You have to go to things and meet people and talk to them. And it can take a long time before you meet people who could be friends. I don't find it easy to make friends at all, but I have, because I prioritised doing that. It was bloody hard and took work.

dizzycatdance2 Sat 02-Dec-17 10:21:20

"Are you saying that women should be greatful for any man that's interested in them "

Nnoooooo, how did you get that from my posts ???

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