to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

While I do think it’s odd to take on someone else’s achievements as your own, I don’t think it’s right to assume that a SAHM plays no role in her H/P’s success at work. DP freely admits he couldn’t work the hours he does if I wasn’t at home with the kids, running the house (when he’s not there, when he is it’s 50/50).

I don’t know about financial vulnerability because I’m not financially vulnerable through legacies I actually own our house outright and have my own savings so of the two he is more financially vulnerable.

To minimise the role of a SAHP is really not fair, given the amount of unpaid labour that goes into it and the fact it is a job with no breaks. It’s patronising imo.

Our finances are joint though, and although the kids and I would be protected in the event of a split, we don’t play the “my money your money” game that seems to cause so much acrimony on here.

YABU.
Agree with the bragging about husbands achievements as if they are your own but the rest of your post is patronising.

Women who have a choice and choose to stay home and can stay home should absolutely do so if that's what they want. You shouldnt judge other people's circumstances.

Interesting view and I can see why you’re protected as a SAHM because of owning the house, savings etc. I just know not everyone has this kind of security and it saddens me.

Without me providing home back up in terms of keeping everything going then dh wouldn’t be able to earn anything unless he paid someone else to do my job. So his achievements at work are seen as family achievements because we are a team. A family. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

In my case, my support has helped him earn what he is earning. And vice versa

Fairylea Understandable, but many mums who are mums also work and this doesn’t make them a less achieving mum, but being a SAHM means you don’t get to be achieving in a career branch. Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

A lot of people are saying “my salary helps him earn what he’s earning” which I understand but at the same time, if your partner is earning such a high wage that you can afford not to work, why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school? (At which point they would be able to be at school when you were working ofc)

I realised reading back that my post might have come across smug, it wasn’t meant to be at all. In daily life it’s not even thought about who owns the house, it’s our house and paperwork doesn’t make any difference.
The contribution to society by SAHP is often derided and belittled which makes me very sad. The choices we make for our families are all valid, because in most cases they’re made with the best interests of the individual families. Whether that’s both parents working, single parent working full time, both parents at home, single parent at home, one parent at home and one working.
It’s the constant need to tear each other down and belittle people who make different choices that I find so fucking depressing on here.

I am proud of my husband and the level he has achieved at work, he is proud of me and the level I have achieved at work. I find it much easier to say how great he is for what he has achieved than bragging about my own achievements. We are both at the same level in slightly different areas of work.

I was on the thread you are alluding to OP. You may find it "sad", but I don't at all and I can honestly say I have no regrets whatsoever. The fact is, DH and I are a team and we have 4 children. We have enabled each other to play to our strengths and do what motivates us. In my case, that was the DC. It has paid off for everyone, financially and emotionally. He is the way he is and I am the way I am, so why would we need to pretend otherwise?

Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

Thanks for illustrating my exact point with this little gem.

OP I agree.

The posters mentioned their DHs wouldn’t earn the money they do if you weren’t around to support him....if you split tomorrow do you really think he would suddenly take on half of your role? It doesn’t work like that. You’d still be doing your job, he would move out, have the kids a few nights a week and get a cleaner. It’s a story as old as time.

Men generally do better at work once they are single and not involved in a family household anymore!

But why is it always that the woman’s strengths are child rearing and running a house?

It always comes across to me that they're bragging about how they managed to marry a high earner...

I went to a party once where one woman introduced herself as 'I'm Betty, my husband is a consultant.'

Er, ok then

Also there is nothing wrong in not wanting a career. Different people have different views. Some people might be at their happiest being at home with the children. For others it would be their worst nightmare. Neither are wrong. We need to do what makes us happy.

if your partner is earning such a high wage that you can afford not to work, why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school?

Because until people pull their heads out of the sand and stop excluding kids with disabilities from wraparound childcare I can’t. Also, I don’t want to miss their early years (that’s a personal choice, and in no way a comment on choices other mums make).

Notreallyarsed But it’s true, many have careers and are successful mothers. I don’t know how this is offensive.

ask yourself why you’re annoyed at sahms and see what that brings up for you. It might be enlightening.

Are they talking proudly about their dp's wage or are they just saying what it is?
I'm a sahm (because of having a disabled child) but most of our money is in joint accounts or in my personal account. I could fairly easily return to my previous career if I really had to.

I think it's fine to feel proud of your partner.
But yes it is odd to co opt their achievements.

DH and I are proud of each other and support each other but our successes are our own.

my husband is a pysician, i refer to myself as Dr on that basis.

MagentaRocks It feels lazy to me, single parents (I am not one before people pull the jealousy or spite card) have to work and have kids, they don’t just get to decide they don’t want a career. It doesn’t work like that for most.