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to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

(1000 Posts)
Curiositykilledthecat113 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:24:34

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

Notreallyarsed Sat 21-Oct-17 10:27:16

While I do think it’s odd to take on someone else’s achievements as your own, I don’t think it’s right to assume that a SAHM plays no role in her H/P’s success at work. DP freely admits he couldn’t work the hours he does if I wasn’t at home with the kids, running the house (when he’s not there, when he is it’s 50/50).

I don’t know about financial vulnerability because I’m not financially vulnerable through legacies I actually own our house outright and have my own savings so of the two he is more financially vulnerable.

To minimise the role of a SAHP is really not fair, given the amount of unpaid labour that goes into it and the fact it is a job with no breaks. It’s patronising imo.

Notreallyarsed Sat 21-Oct-17 10:28:36

Our finances are joint though, and although the kids and I would be protected in the event of a split, we don’t play the “my money your money” game that seems to cause so much acrimony on here.

ethelfleda Sat 21-Oct-17 10:32:31

YABU.
Agree with the bragging about husbands achievements as if they are your own but the rest of your post is patronising.

Women who have a choice and choose to stay home and can stay home should absolutely do so if that's what they want. You shouldnt judge other people's circumstances.

Curiositykilledthecat113 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:32:49

Interesting view and I can see why you’re protected as a SAHM because of owning the house, savings etc. I just know not everyone has this kind of security and it saddens me.

Fairylea Sat 21-Oct-17 10:32:49

Without me providing home back up in terms of keeping everything going then dh wouldn’t be able to earn anything unless he paid someone else to do my job. So his achievements at work are seen as family achievements because we are a team. A family. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

wizzywig Sat 21-Oct-17 10:33:46

In my case, my support has helped him earn what he is earning. And vice versa

Curiositykilledthecat113 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:35:15

Fairylea Understandable, but many mums who are mums also work and this doesn’t make them a less achieving mum, but being a SAHM means you don’t get to be achieving in a career branch. Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

Curiositykilledthecat113 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:36:49

A lot of people are saying “my salary helps him earn what he’s earning” which I understand but at the same time, if your partner is earning such a high wage that you can afford not to work, why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school? (At which point they would be able to be at school when you were working ofc)

Notreallyarsed Sat 21-Oct-17 10:36:56

I realised reading back that my post might have come across smug, it wasn’t meant to be at all. In daily life it’s not even thought about who owns the house, it’s our house and paperwork doesn’t make any difference.
The contribution to society by SAHP is often derided and belittled which makes me very sad. The choices we make for our families are all valid, because in most cases they’re made with the best interests of the individual families. Whether that’s both parents working, single parent working full time, both parents at home, single parent at home, one parent at home and one working.
It’s the constant need to tear each other down and belittle people who make different choices that I find so fucking depressing on here.

MagentaRocks Sat 21-Oct-17 10:37:01

I am proud of my husband and the level he has achieved at work, he is proud of me and the level I have achieved at work. I find it much easier to say how great he is for what he has achieved than bragging about my own achievements. We are both at the same level in slightly different areas of work.

Si1verst0rm Sat 21-Oct-17 10:37:28

I was on the thread you are alluding to OP. You may find it "sad", but I don't at all and I can honestly say I have no regrets whatsoever. The fact is, DH and I are a team and we have 4 children. We have enabled each other to play to our strengths and do what motivates us. In my case, that was the DC. It has paid off for everyone, financially and emotionally. He is the way he is and I am the way I am, so why would we need to pretend otherwise?

Notreallyarsed Sat 21-Oct-17 10:37:32

Do you not feel like you could be achieving more than you are?

Thanks for illustrating my exact point with this little gem.

Autumnfalling Sat 21-Oct-17 10:38:01

OP I agree.

The posters mentioned their DHs wouldn’t earn the money they do if you weren’t around to support him....if you split tomorrow do you really think he would suddenly take on half of your role? It doesn’t work like that. You’d still be doing your job, he would move out, have the kids a few nights a week and get a cleaner. It’s a story as old as time.

Men generally do better at work once they are single and not involved in a family household anymore!

Autumnfalling Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:00

But why is it always that the woman’s strengths are child rearing and running a house?

formerbabe Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:23

It always comes across to me that they're bragging about how they managed to marry a high earner...

PinkyBlunder Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:41

I went to a party once where one woman introduced herself as 'I'm Betty, my husband is a consultant.'

Er, ok then hmm

MagentaRocks Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:46

Also there is nothing wrong in not wanting a career. Different people have different views. Some people might be at their happiest being at home with the children. For others it would be their worst nightmare. Neither are wrong. We need to do what makes us happy.

Notreallyarsed Sat 21-Oct-17 10:39:59

if your partner is earning such a high wage that you can afford not to work, why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school?

Because until people pull their heads out of the sand and stop excluding kids with disabilities from wraparound childcare I can’t. Also, I don’t want to miss their early years (that’s a personal choice, and in no way a comment on choices other mums make).

Curiositykilledthecat113 Sat 21-Oct-17 10:40:08

Notreallyarsed But it’s true, many have careers and are successful mothers. I don’t know how this is offensive.

papayasareyum Sat 21-Oct-17 10:40:22

ask yourself why you’re annoyed at sahms and see what that brings up for you. It might be enlightening.

amicissimma Sat 21-Oct-17 10:41:23

I had a job where I could need to work well into the night at zero notice. DH had a job where he could be called upon to go abroad (long haul) at short notice. Both of us could refuse once or twice, but gradually it would be noted and more flexible people would get the better opportunities and ultimately career progression.

So we talked it over and thought about it and I decided to go for being a SAHM. There is no doubt in either of our minds that DH's ability to work late, leave the country at short notice, entertain clients at no notice, always go to work regardless of sick children, sports days, nativities, INSET, school holidays, etc, meant that he was the guy who got the chances, was able to shine, and climbed briskly up the career ladder. Thus our family was better off financially and less stressed than it would have been if I'd kept working.

I lost that career, but set out to make myself a voluntary 'career', becoming immersed in the local community and getting to know lots of people with different backgrounds. With hindsight I consider my SAHM life to be more fulfilling than sticking in my original field, but I wasn't so optimistic at the time.

So, yes, I do consider that I contributed greatly to my DH's career and to his relaxed, there's-someone-to-take-care-of-it home life. I also consider that he contributed to the fact that I had a rewarding life. We both think it was a better homelife for the children than living with parents who would be frequently fighting over whose job demand took priority.

We look upon it as a partnership.

Spikeyball Sat 21-Oct-17 10:41:25

Are they talking proudly about their dp's wage or are they just saying what it is?
I'm a sahm (because of having a disabled child) but most of our money is in joint accounts or in my personal account. I could fairly easily return to my previous career if I really had to.

GetAHaircutCarl Sat 21-Oct-17 10:41:28

I think it's fine to feel proud of your partner.
But yes it is odd to co opt their achievements.

DH and I are proud of each other and support each other but our successes are our own.

RebeccaWrongDaily Sat 21-Oct-17 10:41:31

my husband is a pysician, i refer to myself as Dr on that basis.

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