to find it sad that women talk about their DH’a achievements like they are their own

[Curiositykilledthecat113]

On all these “how much do you earn” threads I find it sad to see so many women who gave up careers of a lot of money to be a SAHM and talk proudly about their DH’s income as if it’s their achievement. I wonder why it’s always the woman who cares for the children and how so many woman can decide to give up work leaving them in such a vulnerable position if the husband leaves them.

I don't get worked up by this. People judge me because apparently a live in nanny isn't as good as being a sahm. Don't care.

I'm a single mum, great career and earn a lot. I'm also a great mum. The only thing that matters is that it works for your family unit and that your children are seeing real equality at home, and more important that they are loved and secure.

Curiosity.....the most important thing to understand is that we are all different. Some women feel a loss of identity without a career. Some women genuinely think their 'raison d;etre' is to have a family and care fro them. This might be old fashioned in your eyes but I was one of the women who stopped working when I had 3 pre-schoolers and slowly built up my hours again as they began to start school. It was the hardest work I ever did....honestly....with a newborn, 19 month and 3.5 year old but as the months went by, it got easier and less chaotic (slightly) and we reached a point where DH could condense his hours and I could work one long day and so I built up. It did not have a massive effect on my NHS career as I had years of experience pre-children. It would have seemed utterly pointless to me to pay someone to look after my kids whilst I worked. Not many people I know would do that through choice. Most of the women I know would choose to be at home with their little ones given the choice. Maybe I just mix with like minded people. I have 3 friends who always dreaded summer hols as they did not want extended time with the kids around. They chose to work and use childminders/family and all could have afforded not to. It is not a let down to want to be with your kids, it is a valid choice and I would also add, if you are a mum who wants to be with your kids it is much better for the kids than being in nursery but if you are a kid whose mum wants to work and does not enjoy being SAHM, then you are better off in day care. IMO

I would also add that as a SAHM, I was school governor, pastoral care co-ordinator at church, ran the Sunday school, helped at youth club, helped in school etc etc. I was not bored for a minute.

OP is just contemptuous and patronising - charming .

I can see your point OP. While it’s natural to be proud of the achievements of your nearest and dearest, it’s also a bit sad to elevate them completely above your own. I am proud of my husband for his career; proud of my children for their successes in education and now the workplace BUT these feelings aren’t a replacement for feeling proud of my own achievements - both as a mum and in my career.

Among my friends there is one woman who constantly goes on about how successful her dh is, and how her kids are grown up she raves about how wonderful they’ve got into top unis, great jobs etc- nothing wrong with natural pride, but in her case it seems sad that she has so little of her own to feel proud of.

Surely the bottom line is that most people aspire to having breadth in their life... I wouldn’t want to be so career oriented that it was my only measure of achievement. Likewise, I wouldn’t want to be one of those people who just says ‘I’ve raised 3 kids- that’s my achievement’, as if you can’t be a parent and have a successful career too

I don't feel I am diminished as a person because of being a SAHM because career success is not how I measure my own worth. I had a successful career and I was no happier than I am now.

I have kids and worked fulltime as a Project Manager until they were 7, I got offered a redundancy package and was able to work 3 mornings a week (albeit it with a dawn start). I now work from home 5 mornings a week and am always at home for the kids when they aren't at school. I'm not critical of working or SAH Mums but just asked my kids how they felt and they both said they prefer me at home. Women should support each other and the choices they make. Why should a SAHM (or dad) feel guilty because someone perceives they aren't making a meaningful contribution to society. Lots do voluntary work that they probably find very rewarding and will help them when they decide to return to employment.

Oh god so now SAHPs don't work, we're the equivalent of lottery winners or retirees? I've heard it all now!

* why wouldn’t you hire someone to care for your kids so that you can still be achieving in your career until your child is at school?*

Because lots of people don’t want to have others looking after their children.

When there is parity in pay between the sexes so that it is as sensible for the woman to work and the man to be sahp, then people will have a real choice. Until then, it is almost certain that the man’s career will bring in more money in the long run (yes, of course there are exceptions), so the family are just maximising their potential by woman taking the career break.

I agree with you fully babbity, it's genuinely sad when someone goes on and on about the achievements of their spouse and kids but has nothing to say for themselves. Like they're somehow diminished or not as important. I often want to ask 'but what about you? You matter too'.

But I definitely don't talk about DH's salary, it's of no interest to my friends anyway.

Had I been the higher earner, he would be the SAHP.

*The SAHM WOHM bitchfest helps no one. It does not increase our choices or inform people. It just forces people into a corner where they feel attacked and defensive. You don’t care OP. You just dislike them. And this thread is getting particularly unpleasant. The comments that SAHM are lazy and morons. Horrible. And now the digs from SAHM that they are better mothers. And I don’t blame them for making these digs. You have been vile and joined by other SAHM haters.

And all the time you are trying to pretend you care for their future and lack of career. But really you want to spit bile at them.*

Ding-a-fucking-ling-ling-ling.

Get a grip OP. Your OP is odious.

Also I think the OP is missing the point of the "what do you earn" threads.

These threads are usually because the OP is interested in what pay can be expected for different career options. In which case it is perfectly valid and helpful for a a SAHP to say what their DH's job is and what it pays. It doesn't mean they are claiming his job as their own or elevating his role above their own. They are just mentioning the paid job they know most about.

I honestly think that the majority of SAHMs with high earning partners are kidding themselves if they think that their partner's earning power is linked to them being at home with the kids. There are plenty of high earners in all sectors who have got to where they are without having a SAHP. It might make life a bit simpler for the working partner, but it certainly isn't a prerequisite for success.

Where both halves of a couple are high earners, it's easy enough to buy in the help of nannies, cleaners etc. If the mother has less earning potential, it may make better financial sense for her to SAH because a nanny/cleaner etc would cost more, but that's about outgoings - it doesn't directly affect the other partner's earning power.

I think there are a few exceptions where SAHPs genuinely enable their partners to earn high salaries. One would be the trailing spouse, who follows his/her partner on overseas assignments - arguably, the partner couldn't take the assignments without the SAHP following (or at least, not without splitting up the family), so if there is career progression as a result of the overseas experience, then yes, I think the SAHP could take some credit for that. Likewise, in families where there are disabilities and one parent is needed as a carer - it isn't always possible to outsource that, and so the SAHP does enable the WOHP to earn.

To be clear, I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing to SAH, and there may be significant benefits for the WOHP such as reduced stress, less domestic work, more leisure time etc. However, I think there are only a few scenarios where the SAHP actually enables their partner to earn a high salary. More often, what is really meant is that the cost of outsourcing the SAHP's contributions to the family are too high to make working a desirable option.

It's really interesting how so many of the posters on here talk about how they continue to work and are high earners. It always seems that this site is only frequented by those with high flying careers or those who are struggling to get by.

Where are the women who are going to work and earning minimum wage and getting all their wages eaten up by childcare fees? Are they equally as delighted about working? Are they feeling empowered and fabulously independent?

I think it is shortsighted to rely on a high earners income except for the very short term. Even with a reasonable settlement after separation it will be hard to get financial stable again IMHO. Of course everyone thinks it will never happen to them. Yes it will happen to some.

I wouldn't facilitate somebody's career at the expense of my own. And it doesn't give a good example to children. Thinking one person goes to work and the other does domestic chores. No.

Sorry what. You think I should pay a nanny so I can go back to work?

No thank you, I love being a housewife and a stay at home parent. Apologies if I have different aspirations to you.

We made a decision that my husband would be the sole breadwinner, he does say that he couldn’t do what he does without me but it’s his brains and hard work that make the business a success. We believe our quality of life as a family would suffer if i worked full time.

Wouldn’t life be boring if we all did everything exactly the same.

Agreed heteronormative

Where are the women who are going to work and earning minimum wage and getting all their wages eaten up by childcare fees? Are they equally as delighted about working? Are they feeling empowered and fabulously independent?

Almost certainly not. I have found that, the more senior you are, the easier it becomes to combine work and parenting. I think it's much, much harder for women in low paid occupations as they don't generally have the same level of flexibility and negotiating power as women in more senior positions. Of course, the same thing applies to men as well.

Depends on the situation. DH is a very high earner. We decided I would work part time as I didn't want to put our kids in full time childcare and the fact is he is far more ambitious and determined than me. I'm quite happy working to add to the family pot but I've never been career-oriented. DH's job impacts us all as it is long hours and a lot of traveling. We always make big decisions about his career together - when he moved from self-employment to working for a big company etc etc. I don't try and take credit for his success as such but I'd say I've paid a damn big part in it. He would say the same thing and I am appreciative that his salary has allowed me to not have to work full time. Now the kids are older I'm starting to train for going back full time (new career).

Brokenbiscuit IME of very highly paid roles (as in, £250k plus) almost all of them either have no kids or a SAHP.

I have been a SAHM until recently and feel like it was worth all the money and achievement in the world. My husband has now started to wind down from his own career to allow me the freedom to get back into my own. This has always been discussed and agreed, and even when working hellish hours, he has been a wonderful husband and father and very much present in our lives. We show mutual pride and appreciation for what the other does. We wouldn’t be able to live our lives in the way that we wish to, without the support of the other. I’d be mortified if I thought someone was looking at me with sadness and pity. I have the blissful privellage of doing what I want (key word, want) with my family, and having nothing to feel ashamed of on any level. I have kept my hand in while the children were tiny, studied and done bits of work and volunteered, and can now edge back in on my own terms. We both tell people what each other does with a huge amount of pride, I won’t stop doing that. You don’t have to be meek and pathetic to support your partner, you can make choices as a team without one person being pushed into drudgery. If you’re with the right person, then it won’t be a miserable existence to stay at home with the kids. I like the way you say to just get a nanny! I don’t want a nanny, but thanks! I agree to a certain degree that things often fall to the woman, and the “wife-work” often falls to the woman, even when both are working etc, which is unfair. But to say that SAHMs are miserable creatures with no thoughts or ambitions of their own is simply not true. Why do these SAHP threads come along like this, it’s all so bigger. I would never in a million years bash a working mum, oh, and as far as I know they really don’t find it easy either. Nobody does, with a nanny or otherwise! Having children is one big sacrifice, but one that we hopefully will ultimately enjoy and feel the rewards of.

Sorry what. You think I should pay a nanny so I can go back to work?

That certainly isn't what I'm saying. I genuinely don't mind what other people do and I think being a SAHP is a perfectly valid choice if that's what you want to do.

I'm merely saying that being a SAHP is not the only choice that enables a partner to earn a high salary.

*bitter, not bigger