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I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

(144 Posts)
gardenflowergirl Sat 22-Apr-17 08:53:24

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

NewIdeasToday Sat 22-Apr-17 08:56:07

Let the poor boy enjoy both birthday celebratios with both his parents. And don't attend either of them. This is about him not you.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sat 22-Apr-17 08:58:01

I don't think it's his fault as you didn't stipulate you wanted to go to the family party.
It's a misunderstanding so why not just talk to him instead of getting upset with him?

Sirzy Sat 22-Apr-17 08:58:36

Why wouldn't his mum go to both if his dad is going to both?

Take him out for a small low key meal or something at some point soon after

Lovely56 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:01:15

Just day what u said here, I can't see why you shouldn't be able to go, Your partner is entitled to move on after a break up.

WeAllHaveWings Sat 22-Apr-17 09:02:08

Honestly, I'd let it go. Let the the boy have his family celebrations with his parents who raised him and if you feel strongly have something separate.

Completely agree with NewIdeasToday, this isn't about you and YWBU if you try and make it about you.

FluffyWhiteTowels Sat 22-Apr-17 09:04:18

How long has DP been separated?

usernumbernine Sat 22-Apr-17 09:04:43

Whatever your partner's son wants is what should happen.

It's not about you.

BlondeBecky1983 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:08:12

I wouldn't go to either - take yourself out for the evening then arrange something with you, your DP and him on a different day. Or, alternatively, try and meet his ex before the party, maybe for a coffee or something, so it's not awkward for either of you at the party.

DonkeyOaty Sat 22-Apr-17 09:08:14

Let the step son have his celebrations without having to do thinking about how to manage your presence.

MsMarvel Sat 22-Apr-17 09:09:00

In the scheme of things, two and a half years isn't a lot of time.

I would leave it, let his parents celebrate his birthday with him and do a private meal out or something at a later date, with your dss and dp.

If the ex had never met you, its a bit much to show up at a party for her child and expect her to be ok with it.

Alternatively, if things are on good terms you could suggest meeting ex at some point before the party, to take out the stress of meeting you 'for the first time'?

CatThiefKeith Sat 22-Apr-17 09:09:26

OP I mean this kindly, but he is your DP's son, not your stepson. You're not married to his father.

I imagine he would rather have his mum at his 21st birthday celebrations than his dad's girlfriend.

I realise it's hard, but could you organise something nice to do with friends instead on those weekends?

As previous posters have said, this about your dp's son enjoying his birthday, not you I'm afraid.

EdmundCleverClogs Sat 22-Apr-17 09:11:52

I'd just drop it to be honest. If you're close to your stepson I might arrange something for another time with you and your partner, a meal out of such, but I wouldn't kick up a fuss about this.

AyeAmarok Sat 22-Apr-17 09:12:43

How close are you and your stepson? I imagine not very, given you and DH have only been together two years and he's been at university far away for that time.

If you aren't close, then just don't go. This isn't the occasion for you to be marking your turf over his dad and his family.

KateDaniels2 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:13:13

So his dad goes to both parties but his mum only goes to one?

If you didnt want to meet her at her sons birthday, the only option is one of you stay away. Why would it be his mum?

Is that what you really expected?

I agree with PP, he isnt your step son.

lizzyj4 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:15:36

I agree with PP, this is not about you. Step back and leave them to it.

It would be different if you had been in your stepson's life for a long time - but a couple of years when he was already a young adult away at uni - you're little more than a stranger to him.

LineysRun Sat 22-Apr-17 09:18:48

I can't imagine anything worse for the 'birthday boy' turning 21, who surely will have university exams going on next month (my DD has), than having to trail up and down the country to be at 'celebrations' with his divorcing parents and their disgruntled relatives.

I'd stay well out of this and be glad that you can.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sat 22-Apr-17 09:20:36

I think his Mum should go to her family one & your DP & you should go to his family one. There is no need to attend each other's family's celebration surely?

FeedTheSharkAndItWIllBite Sat 22-Apr-17 09:21:09

He isn't your stepson.

He really really isn't.

And yes, why wouldn't his mother come to both parties if his dad does?

You can give him a little present in private.

Or you could take him and your DP out to eat... But no... This is definitely not about you!

user1492287253 Sat 22-Apr-17 09:22:17

As pp say, be the bigger and better person. Bow out gracefully. You have years to sort this out before another big event. Dont get bogged down and make this more important than it is. Arrange a cool day out or trip away for slightly after to celebrate

MsGameandWatch Sat 22-Apr-17 09:25:41

YABU. Have some dignity and stop moaning about an invitation that it just isn't your right to have.

Cheerybigbottom Sat 22-Apr-17 09:27:45

He's 21, not really a step son as you played no part in raising him. My dad remarried when I was 16 and she is in no way my stepmother.

I think you should take this less personally. Give him a present and card, tell him you hope he has a fantastic time and can't wait to see pictures. Let him know you are ok not hanging by his dads side 24/7, he'll appreciate it.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 22-Apr-17 09:28:00

You're not married and you've not been together that long. Let it go and do something privately just the three of you. That said, if his mother has a +1, I would go to the party in the south. Your dp will be able to let you know on that seeing as the one up north is first.

Shakirasma Sat 22-Apr-17 09:28:54

You are not his step mum, you aren't married to his dad, he is 21 years old and you've been on the scene less than 3 years. You are his dad's girlfriend.

This is about your dp's son. It's his celebrations, his parents and family and he should feel completely comfortable. I seriously doubt he would if you are there and his mum felt awkward.

Try not to be upset, it's just not the right time for you to be involved. Please sit this one out with good grace.

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