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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

143 replies

gardenflowergirl · 22/04/2017 08:53

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

OP posts:

Bluebell28 · 22/04/2017 16:28

I think you should just stay out of the celebrations , it's just a 21st and as you didn't raise the boy then you're not his step parent regardless of whether you're married or not. I get why you feel left out but honestly I can think of better ways to spend an evening , treat yourself that weekend

19lottie82 · 22/04/2017 16:30

I can understand you might be a bit put out OP but I'm afraid this is about your partners son, not you. You might be feeling hurt but I'm afraid when the time come, you need to slap on a smile, give him a nice present, wish him a happy birthday and not mention the party.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 22/04/2017 16:32

What lesson here for the DSS? That his fathers long term partner isn't/shouldn't be included, respected/engaged with? That she doesn't matter - that people's girlfriends are disposable and can be dropped/picked up as it suits? That an ex wife can dictate any and all social functions for the rest of your life and you have to suck that up?

Playing devil's advocate, depending on the situation, the lesson could also be you will turn this supposedly happy occasion into one of high stress and all about having to do the high stress of them being together or the high stress of causing offense and people feeling rejected. Dependent on the situation, there may also be baggage already involved on the part of the dss from the divorce. At least one other adult child on this thread as well as me has mentioned avoiding celebrating occasions throughout their adult lives because it just gets too complicated, too stressful, and has to end up being all about them. The OP mentioned that the ex's family hasn't yet accepted the divorce so there is potential stress and pressure there.

It boils down to how the dss feels and what he wants. He's the only one in a position to really know what baggage and stress he has about this, and his 21st birthday party probably isn't the kindest time to insist on a worthy lesson for him whether he likes it or not. He's lucky that the OP has the sensitivity to be thinking about whether this is the time for her and his mother to meet and what best to do.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 22/04/2017 16:34

Um, re reading.... did I mention there might be a bit of stress involved?

Sorry. Need an edit button!

AtomHeart · 22/04/2017 16:36

I won't have my children's step mother at any events! No thanks. My kids, my parade.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 16:37

Do your children get a say in that, Atom?

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/04/2017 16:38

Depends if your dp's son (not your dss) wants you there or not, really.

My ds dislikes his father's gf intensely. He accepts that she'll quite often be around when he sees his df, but would be bemused at her wishing to attend his birthday party.

If the lad wants you at the 'dp end' party, that's great, & if his mum wants to attend, well, you're already on the guest list, so up to her if that puts her off or not.

If he doesn't really want you there that is also fine. He's an adult & doesn't have to invite you unless he wants you there.

I can't see any reason for you to be at the event organised by his maternal family.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/04/2017 16:40

Ah, just seen you weren't proposing to go to his meal with mum's family anyway!

Apologies. As you were!

(but still the question over the other party is - does birthday boy want you there?)

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 16:41

This is about him not you

You are not his stepmother. You are a new girlfriend who is not married to his father. You have played no role whatsoever in bringing him up.

KateDaniels2 · 22/04/2017 16:43

Thats not even what happened. The op said she didnt want to meet the ex at the birthday.

Is the OP teaching that the dads girlfriend can dictate which events the mother can attend?

Ops dp is going to bothe events why would he ban his ex from going to both?

Buttercupsandaisies · 22/04/2017 16:44

I'd suggest the mum does a party with her family as planned - I don't see why your DP has to go if she's doing his own thing with his family? Why not just do a joint thing in that case.

Either way I think you should go to the second party.

And 2.5 years is not a new relationship!!!

AtomHeart · 22/04/2017 16:45

Computer I've never asked them if they want her there and they have never asked me if she can be there. I don't think they care.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 16:48

Dads partner, step mum. It's just a title

Neither of them are titles. The first one is a statement of fact; the second one is utterly , meaningless, nonsense with reference to the OP who has only known her "step son" from an age when he was already an adult. She is not his "mum"

haveacupoftea · 22/04/2017 16:50

He's 21, I doubt he's dying for his dad's girlfriend to go to his birthday party. Just take him for a Chinese or something with his dad some other day.

thisisallnewtome8 · 22/04/2017 16:52

If step-mum isn't a title then neither is mum. No need to be precious about it then is it?

Buttercupsandaisies · 22/04/2017 16:53

If OP has met the son and been integrated in the family then really this is about the ex really and not the son at all. I'd ask the son - if you get along then I'd go regardless of what the ex says as she doesn't get to dictate. The son is 21 not 12 and he may be perfectly fine about it

Astro55 · 22/04/2017 16:55

It's strange splittingbit into two halves of the family - then inviting one half to the other celebration

Either it's separate families or joint - it can't be both can it?

I thing DH needs a rethink

What did he say when you corrected him?

SirVixofVixHall · 22/04/2017 16:56

I agree with CatThiefKieth. You are not this man's stepmother. You haven't had any input in bringing him up, and you are in a fairly recent relationship with his Dad that hasn't yet led to marriage. His 21st is for his parents. I think you should keep out of it and do something nice for him on another evening.

stitchglitched · 22/04/2017 17:03

'That an ex wife can dictate any and all social functions'

There is no suggestion that this has happened though. It is the OP who says she is uncomfortable attending and also the only one who thought someone else should be excluded for her benefit. The ex wife might not even know anything about the discussion!

greenworm · 22/04/2017 17:15

This thread really does show how keen a lot of posters are to take any opportunity to pile on and criticise new partners/stepmums. I can't believe how many condescending "your not his stepmum" posts there are, when that's not even the issue! The OP used the word stepson once in the thread title, obviously for the sake of being concise, then immediately in the first line of post said"his son /my stepson" and thereafter referred to him as (his) son. She is hardly trying to inappropriately assume some special stepmum role in this boys life, she's just used the word stepson ONCE on an internet forum so why the fuck do so many posters feel the need to do nastily tell her she isn't a stepmum? It's just a word! I don't for a second think that people have any reason to believe anyone is hurt or suffering because OP said stepson in her thread title.

The issue of attending the 21st has fuck all to do with whether she can or cannot call herself a stepmum. She could have married her DP and officially be a stepmum but there could be tons of reasons why she still shouldnt go. Or she could be a pretty new girlfriend but still be welcome at the party (as I was when I attended my DSS's family birthday for the first time). It's so not the issue.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 17:22

If step-mum isn't a title then neither is mum. No need to be precious about it then is it?

Sir, Your Grace, Your Majesty etc are titles.

"Mum" is not a title. Mum is a noun meaning a woman who in relation to a child usually, but not necessarily, carried and gave birth to a child and/or raised that child.

The OP had no involvement in raising her partner's son. She is his father's girlfriend.

CMamaof4 · 22/04/2017 17:23

You are spot on greenworm.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 17:24

She could have married her DP and officially be a stepmum

How does one "officially" become a step- mum?

greenworm · 22/04/2017 17:24

Lass - I've had involvement in raising my partner's son for many years, but am not married to said DP, can you tell me whether I should call myself his stepmum or not please?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 17:27

You can call yourself whatever you like there is still no "official" meaning of step mother. I rather think it is for the children involved to determine. However your case is quite different- she has had no involvement in this young man's childhood.

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