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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

143 replies

gardenflowergirl · 22/04/2017 08:53

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

OP posts:

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 17:32

Do parents stop parenting when their children reach 18?

greenworm · 22/04/2017 17:37

You can call yourself whatever you like there is still no "official" meaning of step mother.

Exactly - it has no meaning, do why does it matter if OP used it or not?

Astro55 · 22/04/2017 17:52

getting hung up on the non issue!

The op is part of her DP family - goes to other parties and the like - it would be unusual for her not to be there when her DP is hosting the party - If not appearing rude to the rest of DPs family - how does he intend to explain it?

He's fucked up and he knows it!!

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/04/2017 17:53

Well, for example, my xh & his siblings used to get thoroughly pissed off when xfil referred to his dp as 'your stepmother'.

Because she wasn't involved in raising them (was longterm OW when they were teenagers then xfil finally left xmil for her), & they comprehensively disliked her (& are all NC now xfil is deceased).

I'm not assuming that OP was OW or that she doesn't have a perfectly OK relationship with her dp's ds, just that as an adult, it's really for him to decide if a) he regards her as his 'stepmother' as opposed to 'dad's girlfriend' & b) if he wants her involved with his 21st birthday celebrations...

greenworm · 22/04/2017 18:11

DSS doesnt like stepmum/stepdad, nothing to do with our relationship he just doesn't like it, nor do I especially. Neither of us ever says it in RL. But I do on here, it's just purely for ease of reference.

NervousNellie29 · 22/04/2017 18:24

The real question here is does his son want you there? If he does then all parties need to suck it up and all go, because as previously stated it's his day not theirs.
If not then don't go. It shouldn't be about what you want or what his mum wants but what he wants.

CrowyMcCrowFace · 22/04/2017 18:31

Fair enough.

I wouldn't - I'm dating someone with adult dds. I'm not their stepmother! I suppose technically if I ever married their dad I would be, but it would be for them to claim that relationship. Otherwise they'll always be 'Fred's dd Sarah' or whatever.

My own dc are younger, but I still think it would be up to them to decide whether to refer to 'my mum's husband, Fred' or 'my stepfather'.

Different if it's a blended family & everyone is happy with the nomenclature, but I think it's up to the dc.

Anyway - you're right that it's not the main issue OP has! Party boy should decide who attends which do, his parents should attend/not attend accordingly, & OP wait for an invite, I think.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 22/04/2017 18:33

I don't consider myself a step mum. My DS knew my son fro aged 5 and is, in the truest sense, his stepdad. My husband's kids were all mine-late teens when we married so not appropriate to come over all "motherly". It wouldn't have been wanted. I try to make them feel welcome. Ask after them and wish them well. Beyond that, there's no deep relationship and I don't expect to be at the top table at any weddings?

I agree with the poster who said that there's a different attitude for men/women with regard to step parenting and the kids (on mumsnet). The step mum gets a very rough ride imo.

Debrathezebra · 22/04/2017 18:38

The op has seagulled on both this post and the other post, so we don't have a lot of detail to go on.

My view as a SM and as an XW is that it's the ex's decision to make. The op said it didn't bother her meeting the ex, so if the ex is invited and chooses to accept then I can't see the issue. It's not for you OP to decide whether or not she will feel anxious about meeting you. And if she does, maybe she'll decide to take a big breath and just go for it.

IME an event like this is the perfect time to meet. It would just be like meeting anyone else you don't know at a party. And there are plenty of others to mingle with to avoid each other. If you haven't met in 2 and a half years, you don't meet at his 21st, and you live in opposite ends of the country when are you going to meet, and why would you need to anyway?

I guess the only way a problem may arise is if there is some sort of history between you, and one or other of you can't control yourselves and it'll be daggers at the buffet table. But from your op it doesn't sound like this is the case.

Go - I think it would look odd if Dad's partner of 2.5 years didn't, especially if you usually go to family parties.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/04/2017 19:53

How hurtful

I agree to suck it up . But it is hurtful OP and next year handle differently and do something nice on the day to treat yourself xx

honeyfull · 22/04/2017 20:05

Probably a bit off putting for OP, but if it were me I'd be delighted to dodge a 21st birthday party TBH.

ToastyFingers · 22/04/2017 20:36

My parents separated and met new partners when I was 20.

Neither one of these people are my step-parents, nor is your boyfriend's son your step-son.

Unless you are especially close, and he'd prefer you there over his mum, I'd let him spend his birthday with both his parents.

RunTumMum · 22/04/2017 21:20

My parents divorced when I was in my twenties and my Dad is remarried to the OW. I would be furious if I ever found out she was referring to me as her step-daughter even if it was just once on the internet. There have been several posts suggesting it doesn't really matter whether this terminology is used but it may well matter very much to the children of divorced parents.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 22/04/2017 21:26

Do parents stop parenting when their children reach 18?

Of course not. Would it be reasonable to say though that an adult child is parented only by mutual desire and consent between the two adults involved? That may or may not include step parents or even biological parents in some cases, it's going to depend on their relationship rather than be automatic with their parent's partner.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 22/04/2017 21:28

I would be furious if I ever found out she was referring to me as her step-daughter even if it was just once on the internet

It's not even as if it were a shorthand way of referring to you. "My step daughter" / "my husband's daughter"

Gwenhwyfar · 22/04/2017 23:16

"I would be furious if I ever found out she was referring to me as her step-daughter even if it was just once on the internet"

But you are her step-daughter if she is married to your father. Nothing you can do about that.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/04/2017 23:18

"You can call yourself whatever you like there is still no "official" meaning of step mother."

Of course there is the dictionary definition. Wife of your father, if not your biological mother, is your step mother.

EleanorRigbysNeice · 23/04/2017 00:18

For me, it's not about the "label" or title, as such. I just don't consider I have step children because they are my husband's children and we're pretty adult when we got together. They are HIS children and just people who occasionally come into my life. I've had deeper conversations with the woman at the dry cleaners than I've had with one of them! Why should we have anything whatsoever in common? They're adults who didn't choose me to be in their lives. Fair enough. Of course, if they want me....I'll be there.

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