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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

143 replies

gardenflowergirl · 22/04/2017 08:53

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

OP posts:
SootSprite · 22/04/2017 14:23

Who do you think this young man would rather have at his 21st birthday celebrations? His Mom or his Dad's relatively new girlfriend?

What YOU want is unimportant in this case.

PossumInAPearTree · 22/04/2017 14:25

If you've only been with his dad 2.5 years I'm guessing the stepson has been at uni most of the time? I'm not meaning to sound awful but maybe you're not that important a person in his life? 21yos are fairly self absorbed at the best of times. I can't imagine meeting his mum for the first time at his 21st would be a good thing whether that's a party or a dinner.

However your dp ought to address this issue at some point because you don't want your dss to announce he's getting married and then have the same problem of not having met his mother yet. I guess it depends on individuals though. Maybe she wouldn't consider it a big deal meeting you and then it wouldn't be a problem.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2017 14:28

Who gets to dictate what she should refer to herself as?

The children imo.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 14:43

Another one here who is absolutely "dad's girlfriend" but also refers to "dsd" for ease online (just as I used to refer to ex-p's mother as "mil", although we were never married). It's no biggie.

loverlybunchofcoconuts · 22/04/2017 14:54

but his failure even to consider you at this point does show where you stand in his mind on this.
This is not true at all, the OP said that SHE said it might be best if she wasn't meeting his ex at the 21st, and that led to a misunderstanding over which events she might go to. She HAS been to many events with his family already, so he has been very inclusive - the issue here is solely about meeting the ex wife.
Fwiw, I think this is one of the few occasions when you can not welcome everyone together, it'd just be awkward, and therefore, sadly for the OP, the party should be for the DS, with his family, and she needs to be a grown up and accept that this is the kind of compromise that happens when there are children from a previous marriage.

IbizaTieDye · 22/04/2017 14:56

Has anyone asked the son what he wants?

Also you sound quite snarky about him not having friends - plenty of older teens celebrate their birthdays with family, it's nice in fact.

flumpybear · 22/04/2017 14:59

I think you should just let his real parents go. If it was me and one of my kids I'd be at every single party they had as they're my children, not a step parent who has only been on the scene the last couple of years - if you're wanting to celebrate perhaps do him something nice st your own house another time

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/04/2017 15:07

The op can call herself what she wants but as a pp said its the children who really get to dictate whether they see someone as a step parent or not and I doubt the son would in these circumstances.

Legally of course you aren't unless married. but even then if the dc was already an adult when the relationahip began surely its a bit odd to think of yourself in a parental role when you've done no parenting Confused

EatsShitAndLeaves · 22/04/2017 15:08

Given you have been to other family events I'm assuming there is no issue between you and your DSS. I'm also assuming you were not the OW which would require much more sensitivity regarding the Ex.

So that said, I'm going against the grain here and think you should be invited to the event in the South.

His mother can choose to be at one or both events - up to her.

You are part of the family now and I don't think you should be excluded in this way. It equally sets precedents for a whole load of future occasions.

There is no reason you couldn't meet the ex a few hours before the party if needed and fundamentally you are both adults and perfectly capable of being civil to each other.

thisisallnewtome8 · 22/04/2017 15:09

On mumsnet, women with children are allowed to have partners who treat their children as one of their own and are like fathers to them and they wouldn't have it any other way. Women with men who have children are relegated to being the father's insignificant girlfriend who should butt out of everything and know their place.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 22/04/2017 15:11

Why can't you meet her before and go to the one in the south as well? My ex's GF would be welcome even though she doesn't like me for no reason at all. There's no need for it it be awkward, you're hardly going to be sat alone with her

EatsShitAndLeaves · 22/04/2017 15:14

thisis re: Women with men who have children are relegated to being the father's insignificant girlfriend who should butt out of everything and know their place.

I'd agree that there is a definite undercurrent on a number of threads in that vein.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 15:25

Will with much older DCs, you might not be doing school pick-ups or snot-wiping, but if you share a life with their dad, you can't really avoid a bit of (very) light-touch parenting. The relationship I have with my DP's children is more like the one my oldest friends have with mine (or maybe an auntie or godparent) though, with added domestic stuff, than parent-proper. If that makes sense. Same the other way round.

One of DP's children was beaten up quite badly recently (not his fault) and I was quite taken aback by how mama-bearish I felt (sorry - not keen on the expression but can't think of a better one). Clearly I wasn't as affected as his own mum was, and I would have been in pieces had it been my own child, but it was a real eye-opener.

ComputerUserNotTrained · 22/04/2017 15:28

thisis that is so true. I'm very grateful that dp's ex-w doesn't think that way.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 22/04/2017 15:38

So they are not even properly divorced yet? There's no way he sees you as his step mum.

He should have both his parents at his party not his parents latest BG and GF.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/04/2017 15:42

Has anyone actually asked the young man if he would like you to be there? Because, y'know, they're HIS parties, for HIS birthday - really, he should have a say in the invitation list, IMO.

If he's not bothered either way, then step back and take him out for a meal with his father; but if he'd be hurt if you didn't show to the southern one, then work out a way to go so that there is no drama.

Really, his feelings matter more than yours, hers or your P's.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 22/04/2017 15:45

Rainbow they have been a couple for 2 1/2 years.

This is hardly a new relationship.

The DSD is an adult and no, likely won't see the OP as a SM - that's reasonable.

She is his fathers long term partner though and shouldn't have to be excluded from key events like some dirty secret.

thisisallnewtome8 · 22/04/2017 15:58

Exactly eatshit. There is a mumsnetter who was widowed and met and married a man within two years. No one has wished her anything but the best. As should be. No snarky comments about the length of their relationship. His role as a parent figure was not questioned.
The roles get reversed and it's 'you've only been together two and a half years'.
Step mother's don't gain power by having a title. It's not replacing the actual mother it's just a name. It's down to them how they choose to describe themselves on mumsnet and within the relationship.

stitchglitched · 22/04/2017 15:59

OP has excluded herself though by saying she doesn't think she should go as she hasn't met the ex. Are posters really suggesting the child's mother should be bumped for OP to attend?

TenFeetTall · 22/04/2017 16:01

I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st

You are spot on with this, it isn't, so stick to it and stay away from the celebrations. You can always arrange a small meal out or something for your DP, his son and your immediate family unit.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 22/04/2017 16:08

I've said the mother should go to either or both events - up to her.

The thing is, relationships break down. People move on.

Part of being an adult in all this is demonstrating how that process can be inclusive and respectful to everyone.

What lesson here for the DSS? That his fathers long term partner isn't/shouldn't be included, respected/engaged with? That she doesn't matter - that people's girlfriends are disposable and can be dropped/picked up as it suits? That an ex wife can dictate any and all social functions for the rest of your life and you have to suck that up?

CMamaof4 · 22/04/2017 16:11

Eatshitandleaves and thisisallnewtome8, Totally agree with you both.

thisagain · 22/04/2017 16:11

Totally agree with Rainbows. I think 2 1/2 years is still a relatively new relationship and he is not her step son. My sister is in a similar situation (although the son is 15) and she purposely keeps in the background of his relationship with his dad. She doesn't try to be a step mum. On the other hand, I don't see why it can only be you or her and not both. I can see it if it was the split wasn't a mutual decision or your relationship started why they were married but otherwise I don't see why you can't both just go and meet there for the first time.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 22/04/2017 16:19

I've obviously entered into a parallel universe where the space/time continuum has been warped.

6 months is a "new" relationship, 12 months is relatively new - at 2 1/2 years I think its safe to say it's pretty damn well established.

KateDaniels2 · 22/04/2017 16:24

The Op said she didnt want to meet the ex at a birthday party.

Her dp assumed that meant she wouldn't go to either. Because that would mean excluding his sons mother from it.

I think that was the most sensible assumption. The OPs assumption was the mother would be excluded instead. Why would that be ok?