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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

143 replies

gardenflowergirl · 22/04/2017 08:53

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

OP posts:
Wedrine4me · 22/04/2017 09:31

Ask you dss if he would be more comfortable if you stayed away for both. Tell him no pressure whatever he decides.

Gazelda · 22/04/2017 09:31

What everyone else said.

But also, don't build this up into a deliberate and cunning snub. It was simply a misunderstanding. Don't let it become an issue between you and your DP or put a dampener on celebrations.

Underthemoonlight · 22/04/2017 09:41

Totally understand your point had you been in his life as a child but I couldn't even class you as SM your relationship is fairly new

StripeyMonkey1 · 22/04/2017 09:43

I think your partner has been insensitive in the way he has dealt with this.

Whilst I don't think this was a deliberate snub I do think it could be seen as an indication on your DP's part that he does not consider you to be a core member of his family yet. It might be that it is too early and that he will do so in time, but his failure even to consider you at this point does show where you stand in his mind on this.

I don't think this reflects on your relationship with your DSS in any way as he was not consulted in this decision. I would probably not talk to him about it now as I think it would just be awkward for him. I agree with other posters that this is one you can let go.

What I would have wanted in your position would have been for my partner to have spoken to me and for us to have discussed whether or not I should attend. It might well be right, at this stage in your relationship, for you not to attend, but I don't think I would have liked being disregarded entirely in your position.

flowery · 22/04/2017 09:43

It's not actually clear whether your DP's son wants you there or not? Surely it's up to him?

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/04/2017 09:43

He's not your step son

You didnt raise him and you aren't married to his father. You're his dad's girlfriend.

notarehearsal · 22/04/2017 09:45

I was just trying to think of my DD's reaction if her DF's most current girlfriend had addressed herself as her Step Mother! You will never parent this young person and will never, therefore, become his step parent whether you marry or not.
Leave the young man to enjoy his Birthday celebrations with his parents and family

junebirthdaygirl · 22/04/2017 09:45

Please dont start making these things an issue. He will be graduating soon and thats another celebration. Last thing he needs is any fuss about his special days. When you are with someone who has dc there is always going to be days when that family do stuff together. For the dc the very best celebration is one with no drama.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2017 09:49

My goodness, the poor lad is an adult, let him decide what he wants to do. It seems to be centred around what families want, not what he would like.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 22/04/2017 09:50

You have not been in his life very ling, they are still mid divorce. I think you steer clear. No reason for you to go to the party.

My Dh and I have been together 10 years, I would not go to his ds's birthday party if the mother was going.

needsahalo · 22/04/2017 09:55

YABU to call your partner's grown child your step son.

YABU to assume the ex will have anxiety around you. This is really not about you.

YABU to judge a young man you can hardly know on his friendships or perceived lack of.

Presumably this is an important milestone for both sides of the family. Stay out of it. It's not like you're married and have been around for most of this young man's life. He is really nothing at all to do with you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/04/2017 09:57

Christ alive why would you even need to meet his mother? He is not a child and you are not a step parent.

A 21st birthday is a big deal to the person turning 21 and their parents which is why people tend to make a big deal about it why on earth would you even consider you should be invited

WeAllHaveWings · 22/04/2017 09:57

Agree with above, he is not your stepson, he was already an adult when you and his dad got together. He is your partners son.

The boy and his parents get priority for this one.

HappyLollipop · 22/04/2017 10:05

Yes your being unreasonable, it's his 21st it's about those he's closest to celebrating his life so far and you've only been in the picture the last couple years also his son must of been 18/19 when you met him so you've not been apart of his childhood to be seen as his stepmum. Surely you can find better things to do with your time anyway!

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 22/04/2017 10:05

I would give the lad a nice birthday present eg cheque or voucher a week or 2 before the parties/birthday date. Wish him the most fantastic time and show enthusiasm over any photos. But as another PP has said be grateful you are not in the middle of it.

Some new partners really have no idea how to behave and push themselves selfishly into the middle of other peoples lives and make it all about them. Please dont be one of those!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2017 10:08

He might want a night out with his friends not all these family celebrations. If you want to help celebrate, there is no reason why not, you and your partner take him out for a meal or something together.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 22/04/2017 10:12

I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride here OP, mainly because you've called yourself his step mum when you aren't unfortunately.
I get why you're hurt but I think on this occasion you just need to suck it up & not make it an issue.
Personally I'd have just done two completely separate do's-one with his mum & one with his dad,which you could've gone to, but it's done now.

ADayGivingMeHope · 22/04/2017 10:16

You could talk to your partner? Hmm

nakedscientist · 22/04/2017 10:19

I can't imagine anything worse for the 'birthday boy' turning 21, who surely will have university exams going on next month (my DD has), than having to trail up and down the country to be at 'celebrations' with his divorcing parents and their disgruntled relatives.

Against the grain here, I agree with the above. I have been in DSS' position and he may well prefer to see his mum with her relatives and his dad and OP at DH's family do. I didn't attend my own graduation to avoid divorcing parents glaring at each other and smiling at me through gritted teeth.

lalaloopyhead · 22/04/2017 10:21

Crickey, people have some odd attitudes on here.

Maybe referring to her DPs son as step son seems the least complicated description, and yes surely it is possible to have an adult step child what else would you call them?

I don't see really why both parents would want to be at both celebrations if they are for separate sides of the family. If my ex threw a party for my DD for his family to attend I really wouldn't feel a need to be there tbh, and if I threw a party for my relatives to attend I wouldn't want my ex there over my dh - I think that would be just plain weird.

If we had a joint party I would expect everyone to be an adult and get along for the sake of my dd.

nakedscientist · 22/04/2017 10:21

Oops cross posted withnofuckingroom

StripeyMonkey1 · 22/04/2017 10:23

I don't think you should make an issue of attending the party.

I do think that your partner needs to understand and acknowledge your feelings at being excluded, which are perfectly valid. Before anyone jumps on me, of course that does not mean they trump DSS's feelings on his 21st birthday (although actually we do not know what they are). Bottom line is that it is quite normal for you to feel a little hurt and left out given that the whole family will be invited, bar you, and your partner should be sympathetic.

JaneEyre70 · 22/04/2017 10:24

I'd arrange something nice afterwards so you don't feel completely left out. I do agree with other PPs that this is about him and no one else. It must be hurtful though.

Crispsheets · 22/04/2017 10:24

I didn't realise 21st birthdays were still a big thing .

Enidblyton1 · 22/04/2017 10:25

I totally understand how you're feeling left out, but I'd let this one go. As pp have said, buy your DPs son a card and present, and maybe take him out for a meal next time he is visiting you.
A 21yr old at university will probably appreciate this more than having to take time out of partying with his friends to attend family meals miles away!

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