I'm not invited to stepson's 21st AIBU?

[gardenflowergirl]

My partner and I have been together for two and a half years. Next month it's his son's /my stepson's 21st birthday. DP has been trying to sort out a do to celebrate. The problem is his ex and family live in the north and his family live in the south, son is at uni in Midlands but son has not got a lot of friends ( another story), so the celebration for 21st going to be a family do. DP has been talking about options as difficult to get both sides of family all in one place, his family is big, his ex's is small, plus his ex's family are still have not accepted the divorce (at decree nisi stage even though his ex started divorce proceedings). So, talked about family celebration meal for family in north and party (as lots more family) in south. DP was talking about going to both do'so, so I said I didn't think it was appropriate that me and his ex first meet at his son's 21st. My thinking was that if we meet it should be more low key, in consideration of her possible anxieties about meeting, it doesn't bother me. My DP agreed and I assumed I would go to the family party in the south, as I've done so for the last two and a half years - family birthdays(6 siblings), anniversaries, Xmas etc; DP would go to both.

However, it now transpires that from our discussion that DP has assumed one thing and I another. Big misinterpretation! He assumed I understood that his ex was going to both celebrations and I was not going to any! He never actually said that but assumed I meant that when I said 'I don't think the first time your ex and I meet should be at 21st, should be more low key'. I assumed I would go to the party with him in the south, as I've been to all the other family do'so and he would go to both. So, I'm obviously upset by this misinterpretation and would welcome your thoughts, comments, observations on what to do, say next.....

I think you need to step back, you cannot say to the boy's mother that she cannot go because you will be there. It is unfortunate that you can't all go but that is the situation you are in.

Whilst 2 1/2 years is not a long time to be in a relationship it is a long time to be with someone who is at the decree nisi stage. Were you involved in the marriage breakdown?

I agree op is getting a rough ride on here, some people are quite nasty, no need. She is entitled to her feelings, how else would she be referred to. Dads girlfriend as someone mentioned, is very derogatory and demeaning. Dads partner, step mum. It's just a title. Mabey the son does not want op there. Mabey his mother does not want her there's who knows. That is why her partner has not included her. The sons wishes should be above everybody else, it's his birthday.

Looks like crossed wires, talk to your dp!

I would get him something lovely and bow out on both days if he wants maybe take him out for dinner or something nice that he would like, to celebrate it with you.

Try this on the StepParent board, OP. You may get a different response.

If you were involved in the breakdown of the marriage I'd steer clear. In that case, it's early days and your dss is 21 so, not as if you've been a part of his life for many years.

I'm a step parent. I've no desire to attend big occasions (and came along 3 yrs after DH's ex had the affair which ended their marriage) so, in no way involved. However, I am very resented by one of my three grown up now, step kids. I wouldn't want to go to any "party" I wasn't welcome at. Iykwim. It's just not worth any hassle.

Definitely get him a token gift, a card and wish him all the best 😊

"My dad remarried when I was 16 and she is in no way my stepmother. "

I'm afraid she is, whether you like it or not. A parent's spouse who is not your parent is a step-parent - doesn't matter when they married.

I'm quite surprised at all the people saying OP shouldn't call her partner's child her stepson. Most people on MN call their partner's family their in-laws even though there is no legal relationship between them as they're not married and nobody complains about that approximation.

I would imagine using step-son is just a quicker way of saying dp's ds, not necessarily how she refers to him in rl, so that's slightly missing the point.

But to the Op, 2.5years when you're 21 is no time. Basically it's someone who's come into your parent's life after you've left home.

If I put it this way, my parents had an extension done when I was 19yo and was at uni. I still (over 20 years later) go back home and get a bit of a "humph that new bit" feeling over it.
The bit that was done when I was 16yo is just part of the house because I lived full time with it.

I don't know how often you've seen the chap, but I'd suspect it isn't that much. I think taking him out for a meal separately would be much nicer. As others have said, it's not about staking your claim to be "one of the family" at this point it's about celebrating his birthday.

Still being in the position now of dreading big family events like weddings and funerals because of divorced parents and all the tensions about them being in the same place together, particularly if parent who did the leaving/breaking up the marriage brings their partner - and the extended families on both sides, who had a relationship with both parents as a couple and then got all the split loyalties around the divorce - frankly it's a frigging nightmare, and every event ends up having to be them and the pain of their divorce. Again. It's the gift that just keeps on giving.

One of my siblings had a full wedding to which both parents came. We managed it with a lot of planning so nothing uncomfortable actually happened openly, but the sibling afterwards admitted the stress of it and picking up on the undercurrents and feelings and tensions plus our father's partner meeting our mother for the first time and all that tension, plus the sheer personal unhappiness of knowing you have two parents who can't be in the same place and enjoy major life events with you, spoiled their day. Certainly none of the rest of us got to enjoy it and agreed that evening that we're all either eloping or living in sin, it's easier.

So please don't take it personally, I wish my father's partner had been someone who could consider whether they needed to be there or whether they were making things harder than they already were.

at the term dad's girlfriend being derogatory.

No it isnt and that's what she actually is.

I don't think what you call him is a massive issue really OP, unless it is to him, or his parents.
I understand you feel left out, as your DP's children are the most important thing in his life, and as a partner, you want to be involved in that, I do understand that.
However you make a good point saying the son's 21st isn't the right place to meet ex wife and family for the first time.
I don't mean this to sound harsh but it's about the son, and the birthday celebrations that his family want to help him celebrate, not about how you feel.
Can you speak to DP, explain there's been crossed wires, so you are being honest about how you feel, but add that you're not demanding to go or anything like that?

willy she is not a girl, she presumably is an adult, so therefore, partner is more appropriate or step mum, to make things easier.

He's not your stepson yet as you're not married, and your DP isn't fully divorced yet either right? It takes time for the family to accept you if you were the ow, if they ever will. They might not. It your DP's son is ok with you otherwise just treat him seperately to a meal or drinks.

I don't think the "stepson" comments are weird. I think it's creepy to consider an adult who was 19 when you and his father started dating to be your step son.

I didn't start dating again until my daughter was eighteen. If my current relationship goes the distance, I absolutely wouldn't expect him to be a stepfather to my 20 year old dd.

I'm certainly not going to be stepmother to his adult dcs.

Step back, OP. This really, really isn't about you.

I think you should just not go for both and let his mother attend both parties. You can bring him out for a meal if you want.

I don't really see where you have been snubbed, OP. You suggested that you shouldn't meet your DP's ex for the first time at the party and he agreed with your wishes, that's all. Surely you don't think the lad's own mother should be bumped from the party so you feel comfortable attending? Your partner is going to both parties so why shouldn't she?

I agree with you OP. But you'll find that a lot of people on MN are wives who have been left for someone else, and you will not get a lot of sympathy from them/their prejudices will show in their answers. In fact, im sure someone will be along in moment to accuse you of being the OW. As suggested up thread, try the step families board, more reasoned responses there.

Does your dp need to go to both? Could he just attend the one with his family with you. And leave the other one to his exw family? Or is it possible for you to meet the exw prior to the party? How does dson feel about it?

Aero

Partner is perfectly acceptable if people object to girlfriend for whatever reason but step mum she most definitely isn't.

In order to be a step mother you have to be legally married to the father following either the death of the mother or a divorce. Seeing as the parents are still currently married its misleading at best to use the term stepmother. Personally if I was the wife I would find it disrespectful too.

It's just a description willy, line people use in laws on here, when their not married.

There are more people posting about the fact she shouldn't call herself step-mother than actually offering advice.
Who gets to dictate what she should refer to herself as? So what if they aren't married?
I'm not married to my DP he has three children. I am their step-mum

Totally agree with thisisallnewtome8.

Definately bring it up to your partner and explain it how u did to us op, You are entitled to feeling the way you do, You should feel like you can talk to your partner about anything like that.
Hope it works out for you x

I would avoid the situation altogether. As it's so much later that you guys have met it's harder to become part of the son's life.

I still refer to My Dad's partner as his wife. She is not a step-mum to me. They got together when I was a similar age.

I don't think this is about you at all. Give it time. I am sure it would upset my dad to know the reason I've chosen not to get married is because I don't want her there for the wedding. I wouldn't enjoy the day, want a small wedding with close familiy but find her quite irritating. As they are married it would be mean not to invite her so easier not to do it at all!

Your partners' son does not have to have you in his life - it might not even be to do with his ex. They might just want to enjoy his occasion without having to worry about how other people are coping.

I don't see why it's such a big deal you going really, especially if his ex initiated the divorce. A few questions:

• do your DP and his ex have a decent relationship?
• do you and your DSS have a decent relationship?
• do you and your DP's family get on?
• does his ex have a new partner, and would that partner be attending?

If the answer to most of those questions is yes, I think you should go, presuming your DSS would like you to. If some of them are 'no' then look now to what you can start doing to improve the situation for the next party.

I get on great with DSS's mum, and she'd certainly never have expected me to stay away from family parties, quite the opposite.

A note re the step/not step issue, it's just a quick way of referring to someone FGS! We're on an internet forum, not in a court of law. DSS and I never refer to each other out loud IRL stepmother/stepson because it's just not necessary (NOT because it's not legally the case) but I call him DSS on here all the one because it's so much quicker than typing "DPs son from a previous relationship".

*all the time, not all the one