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to ask DP to pay half?

(133 Posts)
RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:34:06

DP and I met last spring. He had just completed his PhD and we were both looking for jobs. I secured a job in London and we both agreed to move there, as 99% of the jobs in his field are there too.
We chose a place to live together, which would be tight on my salary but affordable on two - I agreed to foot all the bills until he found a job. He was happy to do any kind of work until he found a permenant position in his area.

Skip forward 7 months and he'd only just found a job, it is in his field but a starter job. Fine. I was getting twitchy towards the end of the 7 months as my salary was not covering all our expenses, so we were using my credit card to cover the shortfall.
DP claims he was searching hard for any job, but long story short I'm not sure how hard he tried as there were a lot of jobs available, and he hadn't applied to any.
He stayed at home and did the laundry and cooked some meals. We had a cleaner (inc in cost of our rent).
We did not live beyond our means.

Two weeks into him starting his job, I get made redundant. Literally the same day, he then says he no longer loves me and that I've been selfish the past 7 months for abandoning him at home and not supporting him emotionally.

I could go on about the emotional stuff, but tbh I'm broken.

He had previously been expecting to contribute towards paying off the "joint debt" on my credit card as well as a % of the expenses, once he had a job.

Now he has dumped me. I believe he thinks its fair to pay for his % of expenses since he got a job, plus half the debt. Basically what he would pay if we were still together.

My friends and family say he should now have to pay me back for half of ALL the rent and bills since we moved to London, as I paid them in good faith on the relationship.

AIBU to ask for him to pay me back his share of the rent from the last 7 months? He lived off my salary completely.

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:34:32

blush long!

Gallavich Wed 08-Mar-17 11:36:12

Are you moving out?
Of course morally he should pay you back. He sounds like a sponging twat though so you may be out of luck

Happyandhungry Wed 08-Mar-17 11:36:15

I don't see how you could enforce it either way? You're not married and going through a divorce settlement etc. Is there any legal way to make him pay? I feel for you he sounds like a total douche bag flowers

ProudBadMum Wed 08-Mar-17 11:36:15

Go for it. What an arse, you helped him then when you needed it he ran.

Lemondrop09 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:37:21

What an absolute aresehole!

I completely see where you're coming from. But I'm not sure how you could enforce that confused He's unlikely to willing fork over cash to you.

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:40:11

Take him to small claims cour if he refuses to pay you back.

Patriciathestripper1 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:40:21


RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:40:28

If it makes any difference, all the bills were in both our names, they just came out of my account.

Its still early stages, so forgive me but I'm not sure he was deliberately sponging off me, he certainly doesn't see it that way. He thinks me losing my job meant I could be "free" and was a "natural point" to reconsider the relationship.

But I'm still not in my right mind about it, so accept I could be making excuses

Emptynestermum Wed 08-Mar-17 11:41:09

I don't see how you could enforce it either. But get what you can.

And be very pleased you had a lucky escape!!!

ShotsFired Wed 08-Mar-17 11:41:30

I think you need to take a long view on this.

What is "right" might not necessarily be the best thing. What is the easiest way for you to extricate this arse from your life and move on? The longer he is in your life, if there is some complicated repayment schedule arranged, he will be an emotional millstone.

You can always earn more money, but your emotional energy and time is one-use-only.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Wed 08-Mar-17 11:44:02

Could you take or threaten to take him to small claims court to recoup the money?

If you are both on the tenancy agreement, but all rent and bills were coming from your account, and you can show no money coming from his account to you or bills, it must follow he lived there and didn't contribute to costs.

I hope you are inspired to look everywhere for a new job and find the one of your dreams far away from this entitled twit, whatever else happens!

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:44:52

I think his parents are pretty likely to loan him the money.

He already has in his mind to pay half of the joint debt we accrued and then half of the bills for the last two months of the tenancy (ie. Last month and this month) as that's when he had the job.

At the present moment I have come back from working a well paid job for 7 months worse off than I left. Not to mention my mental state, which is in tatters

Ginmakesitallok Wed 08-Mar-17 11:48:11

I don't think that op would have a leg to stand on in court. There's no written agreement about paying back this money - just am agreement that when he could contribute he would?

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:49:49

I hope you are inspired to look everywhere for a new job and find the one of your dreams far away from this entitled twit, whatever else happens!

Thank you, Coffeethrowtrampbitch at the moment I'm just trying to survive. I was horrifically bullied in my job which really really beat me down. Coincidentally my counselling for anxiety started two days after this happened.
To add insult to injury my Granddad was diagnosed with terminal heart failure the same day too. DP knows all of this.

The filth his family and friends have been saying about me sad and he met up with a troublesome ex over the weekend whilst we were still meant to be working it out...

Forgive me for derailing, this has literally been all in the last week.

ComtesseDeSpair Wed 08-Mar-17 11:50:39

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I don't think he has any obligation to pay you anything. That doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for you and the mess you're in, I'm genuinely sorry you've found yourself in this position. But there are many relationships where one partner earns and contributes less than the other, and I don't believe that in the case of the relationship ending, the higher-contributing party has the right, even morally, to demand the lower-contributing party pays them back the "shortfall" in their contributions during the relationship. It would leave some people owing or feeling that they ought repay thousands of pounds!

This wasn't an established relationship, and it seems like you moved in together having only known each other a few months - so it should have always been on your mind that the relationship may not last and you should protect yourself, even if that meant living separately until he had found a steady job.

There's no harm in asking him to contribute towards the joint debt on the credit card, on the basis that you believe he "expected" to have to help you repay it: from your last post it sounds like you don't think he'll contest owing this anyway, though, and will pay up?

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:51:28

There's no written agreement about paying back this money nothing, possibly an offhand message on Facebook or something but it was a verbal agreement that I'd support us whilst needed. As I presumed in a long term relationship it would even out.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter Wed 08-Mar-17 11:52:04

How can you have a joint debt on your credit card you only met last spring? So you met a year ago and used a credit card in just your name to cover his costs?

YANBU asking him to pay half but I wouldn't hold your breath you might suffocate waiting for him to pay it

Emptynestermum Wed 08-Mar-17 11:52:44

Well, that's good he is planning to pay part. And good it wasn't longer than 7 months. Money can be made again.

It's sad though when any relationship ends, so be kind to yourself. xxx

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:55:13

ComtesseDeSpair that is a far far far more eloquent explanation of how I think I view it at the moment.
My friends and family feel like he breached the "agreement" as his promise was to support me, and he's just left.
I don't see a relationship as tit for tat.
But on the other hand I am massively massively out of pocket.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 08-Mar-17 11:55:53

YANBU to ask him but he doesn't have to give it to you and probably won't

He got a good deal really together since las spring and you paid all bills/rent until he bothered finding a job, if he couldnt get a job in his industry right away surely he could of found something to fill the gap and support himself

whatsthecomingoverthehill Wed 08-Mar-17 11:56:31

He sounds like a twat, and if you can get anything from him then it would be good. But unfortunately I think you're basically relying on his goodwill. At the moment at least he's offering to pay off half of the debt which is in your name. If you push for more he may well turn round and give you nothing (he's already shown that he's a twat), and trying to get anything out of small claims would be very difficult and stressful.

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:57:08

So you met a year ago and used a credit card in just your name to cover his costs? I am very very very aware of what a naive and twattish thing that was, in retrospect.
I am not a trusting person at all, but believed in this relationship infinitely.

JedBartlet Wed 08-Mar-17 11:57:47

You only went into debt on your credit card because you were unable to support both of you, on your own, for 7 months. He should be paying all your credit card debt plus half the expenses for time since he had a job, at the absolute least. Unfortunately as you're aware, you can't force him to pay you anything.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you OP.

RentANDBills Wed 08-Mar-17 11:59:06

if he couldnt get a job in his industry right away surely he could of found something to fill the gap and support himself that was the agreement! But he got very defensive whenever I asked, to the point of crying at one point.
Just before he finally got this job, I actually went and made a long list of temp agencies in the area and asked if he'd signed up for them - he hadn't signed up for a single one.
There were countless waiting and bar work positions around us, he never applied.

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