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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask DP to pay half?

132 replies

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 11:34

DP and I met last spring. He had just completed his PhD and we were both looking for jobs. I secured a job in London and we both agreed to move there, as 99% of the jobs in his field are there too.
We chose a place to live together, which would be tight on my salary but affordable on two - I agreed to foot all the bills until he found a job. He was happy to do any kind of work until he found a permenant position in his area.

Skip forward 7 months and he'd only just found a job, it is in his field but a starter job. Fine. I was getting twitchy towards the end of the 7 months as my salary was not covering all our expenses, so we were using my credit card to cover the shortfall.
DP claims he was searching hard for any job, but long story short I'm not sure how hard he tried as there were a lot of jobs available, and he hadn't applied to any.
He stayed at home and did the laundry and cooked some meals. We had a cleaner (inc in cost of our rent).
We did not live beyond our means.

Two weeks into him starting his job, I get made redundant. Literally the same day, he then says he no longer loves me and that I've been selfish the past 7 months for abandoning him at home and not supporting him emotionally.

I could go on about the emotional stuff, but tbh I'm broken.

He had previously been expecting to contribute towards paying off the "joint debt" on my credit card as well as a % of the expenses, once he had a job.

Now he has dumped me. I believe he thinks its fair to pay for his % of expenses since he got a job, plus half the debt. Basically what he would pay if we were still together.

My friends and family say he should now have to pay me back for half of ALL the rent and bills since we moved to London, as I paid them in good faith on the relationship.

AIBU to ask for him to pay me back his share of the rent from the last 7 months? He lived off my salary completely.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2017 13:51

Just seen the small salary thing. OMG. Are you still hiding??

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 13:54

Sorry Mummy of little dragon what do you mean by still hiding?

OP posts:
RhodaBorrocks · 08/03/2017 13:56

Based on what his parents are saying it's pretty obvious where his shitty entitled attitude comes from.

My XP left me with a lot of debt too. But he has consistently sponged off various family members ever since and then left the country so I've not seen a penny.

If the cock lodger is agreeing to pay you something, accept it. But get the official figures, backed up with paperwork to prove that you're only asking for what he's offered and no more. Then even if his parents want to call you a gold digger then you know the truth and have a clear conscience.

FWIW exMIL and XP always had the same line that I needed to 'support' XP. Only what he was telling her was that he worked 70 hour weeks on his business when the reality was he sat around in his pants playing console games and avoiding customers he had taken money from and not provided the product (real rogue trader) whilst I supported us on a meagre wage.

Be kind to yourself, you supported him because you are a good person and his attitude that you should gave done more shows what a sponge he really is.

Good luck with your interviews, get a fab job and leave him floundering in your dust. You may be the first in a string of women he does this to and he and his parents will always lament how all women are crazy/grabby/unsupportive as the years go by and why oh why can't he find someone normal, without stopping to look closer to home. If he ever marries and procreates you can bet the next girlfriend will be on here moaning about DP's 'crazy' XW. (I was the 3rd for XP and funnily enough they were all crazy and treated him badly. I now know he got what he deserved each time)

Good luck for your future and count it as a lucky escape.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/03/2017 13:56

You've done nothing wrong OP. I had a bf who dumped me because 'I was so clearly desperate to see other people'. I wasn't, I thought the sun literally rose and set in his eyes. He manufactured a huge row at a party about me 'flirting' then dumped me.

My point is that some people can't look themselves in the mirror and own their shit. He knows he's been a cocklodging shit for the past 7 months and that you losing your job has been the trigger for him to dump you, but he can't look himself in the mirror and say that out loud. So he's making up shit about you being manipulative to make you look like the bad guy.

You do not have to accept his, or his family's, warped picture of your loving, generous, trusting heart.

Now go and have some juice, we don't want you to get scurvy.

RhodaBorrocks · 08/03/2017 14:00

Just seen your last update. Wow. He really took you for a ride!

What a colossal spunktrumpet.

OP you are so much better off without his twattery.

RhodaBorrocks · 08/03/2017 14:01

Oh and have some Gin.

With lemon.

It will help the scurvy Grin

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 14:04

I'm not going back into the career I was in, that job (and the one before it) hugely contributed to my breakdown.

I complete my degree next year, and by Oct this year I'll have part of an accountancy qualification (its within the degree) which should make me eligible for finance assistant jobs should I choose to pursue that.

OP posts:
RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 14:05

spunktrumpet what a fantastic word!

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 08/03/2017 14:08

Take him to the small claims court. Your joint names are on the bills and you had a verbal contract.
If he doesnt pay he'll end up with a CCJ; Mummy and Daddy wont let that happen and will pay his debt.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2017 14:09

You aren't the first woman to be taken advantage of, you won't be the last. I'm sorry this happened to you. But the main thing is that you are rid of him and you've learnt a valuable lesson. You will never be taken advantage of like this again.

Ask for the money, but if you don't get it after a few tries, let it go. It's better to move on than to keep yourself tied to the past by fighting with him over it.

I doubt very much if there's any legal grounds, but it sounds as if the amount he mooched off you might be worth a consult with a solicitor to be sure.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2017 14:10

Hiding was in response to your [ducks for cover] comment.

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 14:22

Mummyoflittledragon of course. I'm a bit thick at the moment! I was expecting to get a pasting for that, though it made sense at the time as he was feeling trapped and had no spending money

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2017 14:30

Stop putting yourself down!! Ahh bless, poor thing, no spending money. Just a free home, food, gym pass, fucking gym pass. Angry. It sounds as though he had you well trained and acted on his every whim.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 08/03/2017 14:58

His parents think he has sooo much earning potential? Shame then that all the time he was with you he clearly felt that fulfilling that potential would seriously cut in to his dicking around time.
Almost the same thing happened to me years ago, hard lesson to learn. I got not a single penny back, he felt no obligation whatsoever. So if you're even possibly going to get some money off him then I'd say, hard as it may sound, grab the money and then get the twat out of your headspace - paying you back any more, over a longer term, would mean he's connected to you for waaaay longer than is good for you. If you can manage financially, cutting the tit out of your life and moving on is going to be better for you in the long run. Chalk it up to, very nasty, experience

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 15:07

Don't forget everyone that I'm going to die alone

You will NOT die alone - you will have 50 cats, remember?

And it is very important for you to get good nutrition, because if they have to eat you you need to be fresh and juicy!

Grin

Rent

You are managing to keep a (black) sense humour - there is hope for you yet. You are bound to be in a very bad place. You have lost your income, you have lost your boyfriend, you have lost your home, you have lost the future you expected the two of you to have together, you have lost a lot of cash (even if he pays his half) and you have lost your self-confidence. The hard work you put in over the last seven months has led to you being worse off then at the start and it's horrible!

This is a BEREAVEMENT - treat it like one. Expect to go through anger, grief, apathy, exhaustion and many, many fluctuating emotions. It will take time, but you WILL get through this. You will emerge stronger, wiser and with the realisation that you have had a lucky escape - as a PP said - what if you were a wedding and three kids down the line. As it is you have family support and only yourself to worry about. Cosset yourself, let other people look after you as much as you can (I bet your parents are ready to tear out his miserable throat with their teeth - I would be if someone did this to my daughter) and give yourself as much time as you need.

And remember, because this bit is VERY important.

IT'S NOT YOU - IT'S HIM!!!

He's broken your heart for purely selfish reasons and he's a tw*t.

HappyFlappy · 08/03/2017 15:13

When he's out of your life and you have as much as he will repay, please send his parents copies of all the bills etc that you have paid over the past seven months, and remind them how proud they should be to have raised such an accomplished cocklodger.

I think sending them a congratulations card may even be in order - not sure if Hallmark do one. If not, I see a niche in the market . . . Grin

Ethylred · 08/03/2017 15:13

You have dodged a massive bullet; be thankful that it hasn't cost you anything more. Seriously, be glad that you have not invested and lost more money, time and emotion than you already have. He sounds like a loser, PhD or not (and I do not dismiss the significance of a PhD).

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 15:32

Thank you again everyone.
I haven't spoken to him yet, I had a panic attack in the flat yesterday morning as he was going to work (not justvaboutvjim, culmination if things) and he left me curled up on the bed, told me to phone my Mum.

Once I was able to move, I packed what I could in two suitcases and tool a train home. He text me at 4pm yesterday (before he got home to see stuff gone) to ask if I was OK. Upon strong advisement of friends, I didn't reply. Its the next day, he has since been home and no further message.

I'm obviously going to have to talk to him at some point, we haven't discussed any details other than to hand the notice in at the flat.

OP posts:
NewPuppyMum · 08/03/2017 15:53

I don't get it, you supported him and friends and family knew. You then lose your job, not your fault, and immediately rather than him being an arsewipe for not supporting you, returning the favour, they accuse you of being a sponger. .

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 16:28

NewPuppyMum your guess is as good as mine. I spent a lot of the times in the evenings working on my business, which he resented. The idea was that the business was for US and OUR future but somewhere down the line this has translated to me being selfish and choosing business over him.
He never sat down and told me what he was feeling, until it was "too late".

OP posts:
kitkat29 · 08/03/2017 17:16

RentANDBills I suspect his parent(s) have been whispering in his ear that you weren't good enough, a freeloader, etc for the entire time you were working hard to support you both. When you lost your job it may have confirmed it for him.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2017 17:50

He's a spectacular cunt.

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 19:10

Just spoken to him over the phone, haven't spoken to him since I came home to find his stuff gone, we ended it and I had a panic attack in the morning.

I didn't specify the division of finances but its clear that he is expecting to pay half of this months rent and half of the debt.

It was a weird conversation, like talking to a stranger yet I missed him.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 08/03/2017 20:12

Poor you, this is definitely the hard bit. Flowers Later you'll get to being angry and in some way that's easier to deal with. Get the money, then delete the toerag from your life.

HilairHilair · 08/03/2017 20:24

Oh, OP you poor poor thing. First, a big hug for you (MN gasps).

You are well shot of him. You went into the relationship openly and generously, really trying to share - seeing your salary as the "family money" which is the backbone of MN.

You ex saw it as your due obeisance to his obviously huge brain power and special snowflake identity. So it was only natural that you would do everything to support him. When you need his support -- well, that just wasn't the right thing, it upsets the natural order. So of course you must be punished.

He sounds like a total total arse. An utter dick.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you really are well rid of him.

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