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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask DP to pay half?

132 replies

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 11:34

DP and I met last spring. He had just completed his PhD and we were both looking for jobs. I secured a job in London and we both agreed to move there, as 99% of the jobs in his field are there too.
We chose a place to live together, which would be tight on my salary but affordable on two - I agreed to foot all the bills until he found a job. He was happy to do any kind of work until he found a permenant position in his area.

Skip forward 7 months and he'd only just found a job, it is in his field but a starter job. Fine. I was getting twitchy towards the end of the 7 months as my salary was not covering all our expenses, so we were using my credit card to cover the shortfall.
DP claims he was searching hard for any job, but long story short I'm not sure how hard he tried as there were a lot of jobs available, and he hadn't applied to any.
He stayed at home and did the laundry and cooked some meals. We had a cleaner (inc in cost of our rent).
We did not live beyond our means.

Two weeks into him starting his job, I get made redundant. Literally the same day, he then says he no longer loves me and that I've been selfish the past 7 months for abandoning him at home and not supporting him emotionally.

I could go on about the emotional stuff, but tbh I'm broken.

He had previously been expecting to contribute towards paying off the "joint debt" on my credit card as well as a % of the expenses, once he had a job.

Now he has dumped me. I believe he thinks its fair to pay for his % of expenses since he got a job, plus half the debt. Basically what he would pay if we were still together.

My friends and family say he should now have to pay me back for half of ALL the rent and bills since we moved to London, as I paid them in good faith on the relationship.

AIBU to ask for him to pay me back his share of the rent from the last 7 months? He lived off my salary completely.

OP posts:
Stefoscope · 08/03/2017 21:12

I can see where you're coming from by wanting him to pay back half of what you've shelled out for since you moved in together. I get the impression that's what you'd feel obliged to do if you were in his shoes and I'm inclined to agree with you; it is somehow the morally right thing to do. In reality, I don't think he will agree to it as he sounds like a dickhead to have just upped and checked out of the relationship the way he did.

I've been in a similar situation with an ex , as has my good friend. We both spent a lot of time and emotional energy dwelling on it and hoping the person owing money would come through and cough up, in neither cases did it happen. Please don't see it as a reflection on your character, genorosity is a lovely quality to have in a relationship, you just need to make sure it's with the right person.

I would start making a list of all the possible bills and expenses your name might possibly appear on. Get it in writing from the companies and letting agents that your name and liability has been removed from everything. Ask him what he can pay now towards the credit card debt and take whatever you can get, I would encourage a lump sum rather than a regular small payment. He sounds pretty fickle and I wouldn't take his word that he'll keep contributing to the debt over any period of time.

I'm sorry he treated you so badly, I hope things improve for you soon Flowers

Andylion · 08/03/2017 21:12

Except I can't cancel his gym membership as although it comes out of my account, its in his name.

Rent, it comes out of your account via direct debit? Can you not cancel that part of it, via your bank?

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 21:13

Thank you HilairHilair, I can't believe this is happening to be honest.

OP posts:
MrsELM21 · 08/03/2017 21:28

I'm not sure you'll have much luck getting the retrospective rent from him but I would absolutely insist that he pays half of the credit card bill that you jointly incurred x

HilairHilair · 08/03/2017 21:39

Rent I've been there. I wish I'd had MN 30 years ago when I was in my 20s. I suspect we've all been there.

He's a number 1 arsehole, and the cheek of him and his family is just leaving me gasping.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/03/2017 22:04

At the end of this Rent you'll still be a lovely person and he will still be a dishonest liar with no morals.

Look forward not back, harder to do than it sounds I know!.

Only look back to work out what you can learn form this experience that will help you in the future. and you definitely have a bright future ahead of you. I wish you well

RentANDBills · 09/03/2017 20:15

Thank you again, everyone.
I've been signed off work for the rest of the month which I think is for the best, though does make money even tighter.
Today has been a "dead" day, barely any feeling whatsoever, but every now and again I think too much and feel really betrayed. Made worse by my knee jerk reaction being to call him, because usually he's the one I'd call when I'm unhappy, but then realising I can't.

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