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AIBU?

to ask DP to pay half?

132 replies

RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 11:34

DP and I met last spring. He had just completed his PhD and we were both looking for jobs. I secured a job in London and we both agreed to move there, as 99% of the jobs in his field are there too.
We chose a place to live together, which would be tight on my salary but affordable on two - I agreed to foot all the bills until he found a job. He was happy to do any kind of work until he found a permenant position in his area.

Skip forward 7 months and he'd only just found a job, it is in his field but a starter job. Fine. I was getting twitchy towards the end of the 7 months as my salary was not covering all our expenses, so we were using my credit card to cover the shortfall.
DP claims he was searching hard for any job, but long story short I'm not sure how hard he tried as there were a lot of jobs available, and he hadn't applied to any.
He stayed at home and did the laundry and cooked some meals. We had a cleaner (inc in cost of our rent).
We did not live beyond our means.

Two weeks into him starting his job, I get made redundant. Literally the same day, he then says he no longer loves me and that I've been selfish the past 7 months for abandoning him at home and not supporting him emotionally.

I could go on about the emotional stuff, but tbh I'm broken.

He had previously been expecting to contribute towards paying off the "joint debt" on my credit card as well as a % of the expenses, once he had a job.

Now he has dumped me. I believe he thinks its fair to pay for his % of expenses since he got a job, plus half the debt. Basically what he would pay if we were still together.

My friends and family say he should now have to pay me back for half of ALL the rent and bills since we moved to London, as I paid them in good faith on the relationship.

AIBU to ask for him to pay me back his share of the rent from the last 7 months? He lived off my salary completely.

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Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 08/03/2017 12:02

:-( Rent I'm so sorry this is all happening to you right now.

I hope you can get a job sorted close to your family soon, and tosspot imposes on his parents to pay you back x

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Pinkheart5915 · 08/03/2017 12:03

If that was the agreement with the job it certainly sounds like you will be much bettter off not having him in your life.

He was happy to take your money for rent/bills for 7 months while he stayed home doing what? Cooking a meal or two? And then the minute he gets a job he doesn't love you anymore Did he ever?

Good luck with trying to get money out of his lazy arse

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:03

What a fucking cunt he is BTW. I hope someone does the same to him, and I hope you find a wonderful, lovely man who treats you the way you deserve and takes you on a world cruise next summer!

Thank you, littlefrog3 of course right now I think I'm going to die alone with 50 cats and am completely unlovable. And clearly a tool.

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:05

The thing is that I still can't wrap my head around the idea of him being lazy - he has a PhD. It was baffling enough at the time as to how he wasn't finding a job and he SWORE he was looking as hard as he could.

I literally got made redundant last Tuesday and already have been offered 3 job interviews, and trust me - I have really not been looking or applying!

I'm so so confused as to this situation, its like he's too different people.

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:07

*two Blush

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scampimom · 08/03/2017 12:08

PErsonally, at this stage I'd cut my losses and just go. If the accounts are in both your names you are both liable, so if he doesn't pay you will have to. It's worth asking him if he will contribute, but legally he wouldn't be forced to pay a penny of it.

He's clearly a gurgling sucking plughole for money, support and emotional energy that you'll never get back - don't try to hold on to any of it, it will just become a tug of war that will wear you down.

You poor love, you've had a right week haven't you.

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SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 08/03/2017 12:08

You must be a very generous, trusting individual to have paid it all like this ( I'm not sure I would unless many years relationship) and he took advantage of that and kept taking but soon jumped shipped once he had money coming in BASTARD!

I hope you meet a good man and one that's pays his way

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Gallavich · 08/03/2017 12:09

I have lost £££s to supporting a man before so I know how easily it can happen - but for you and any other women reading this and contemplating doing what you did - run a mile. No love story is worth getting into debt and wasting £££ on a loser like this.

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:12

I'm so ashamed and embarrassed as I'm really not normally a sucker. I still can't understand it. Its like he's been replaced by another person. and his friends and family are ganging up whispering that I'm selfish and manipulative

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SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 08/03/2017 12:15

and his friends and family are ganging up whispering that I'm selfish and manipulative wtf? His been living rent/bills free for 7 months while you've had to run up a debt on a credit card.
You have nothing to feel ashamed of, his that one that should be ashamed of treating you this way

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humourless · 08/03/2017 12:20

Legally if you haven't got any proper agreement you have no comeback. Let him pay half of the credit card debt and move out.

He probably stopped caring about you ages ago but used your for the rent, you may have had a lucky escape. NEVER EVER let a man sponge again.

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humourless · 08/03/2017 12:21

don't feel ashamed, get revenge by getting happy....

He's a vile sponger.

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Owlzes · 08/03/2017 12:22

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I don't think he necessarily does owe you anything, beyond the credit card bills he's agreed to pay and the last two months.

First of all, I've been in your situation myself - once I paid for a boyfriend to come and visit me in Scotland and a bunch of phone calls because he promised he'd go half when some money came through. We broke up. He gave me nothing.

Another time I supported my then partner for a year. We broke up, he moved on and now earns £££ but I never saw any money. He has, to be fair, over time, helped me out a lot as a friend so sometimes it can even out in an odd way over time.

I guess I just don't think you go into these kind of situations with an account book. You said you'd be OK with supporting him while he looked for a job, which many couples do for each other. But we none of us know what will happen and we take the chance when we make these offers that it won't work out financially. In the long term, I think letting it go will be better for you psychologically. Take the money he is offering, move on, and I'm sorry this has all happened and he sounds like a total twat.

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tabithakitty · 08/03/2017 12:22

I would ask him for what you think is fair. Give him a chance to be decent. If he declines, walk away.

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littlefrog3 · 08/03/2017 12:23

Thank you, littlefrog3 of course right now I think I'm going to die alone with 50 cats and am completely unlovable. And clearly a tool.

Ha ha ha Grin You silly moo!

Well you may possibly have 50 cats (nothing wrong with that!) But you WON'T die miserable and alone because you sound lovely. Smile

I'm so sorry you were treated like this, and his family sound like knob heads as well. Urgh! Sounds like you are better off without him and his horrid family. I know it probably doesn't feel like that atm, but you are better off away from people like them.

I hate to say this, but it (kind of) sounds like he planned it all along; to use you and dump you when you had outlived your usefulness. (Doesn't mean the next man you meet will do it, or that you're dumb/stupid/unlovable!) As I said earlier, the right man will find you one day soon. Smile

Wishing you happiness. Flowers

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:24

I'm still confused as to why I'm selfish, other than coming him moaning about my job and not giving him much attention, which admittedly I did do, which was wrong.

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CruCru · 08/03/2017 12:27

I've been in a similar situation. Can I suggest that you agree with him the amount that he is going to pay you now (write it down and get him to sign it) and get him to take out a loan / borrow the money from his family to pay you back immediately?

The longer you leave this, the less likely it is that you get anything back from him.

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ChicRock · 08/03/2017 12:27

Legally you don't have a leg to stand on.

Honestly, I would accept whatever he offers, get it off him asap, delete and block him and chalk it up as a lesson learned.

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Owlzes · 08/03/2017 12:28

Because people say all kinds of shit when they're breaking up with people, and basically want an excuse for why they are leaving which isn't just 'I wasn't happy, and I don't feel it'.

He is trying to put a load of blame on you which isn't fair and isn't yours to deal with. Flowers

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:28

Thank you to everyone for being so kind.
Up to this point he has always been kind and introverted, so when he talked for hours about how selfish I was and how miserable he's been I realised I must have been a right cowbag.
His family have always been nice too.

My judgement is clearly definitely out of whack, which is one of the things that worries me the most.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 08/03/2017 12:29

You're not selfish: he's told his friends and family all manner of things to justify the break-up and a lot of it is going to be exaggeration at best and probably outright lies. He wants their support and confirmation that he is a good person and could hardly get that by being honest. It's a shame he feels the need to make you look like the sole reason the relationship didn't work out; unfortunately that's just the only way some people without adequate emotionally literacy feel they can deal with a situation they don't like or feel bad about.

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RentANDBills · 08/03/2017 12:30

For context, I'm now back at my parents sleeping on the floor and he's in the apartment, with a huge amount of my stuff still there so I don't want to rock the boat until I've got that out. Not that I think he'd do anything, but still.

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expatinscotland · 08/03/2017 12:30

You are not being unreasonable to ask, but I'd be really surprised if you see a penny. This has been a very costly lesson to you. He took you for a ride.

'The filth his family and friends have been saying about me sad and he met up with a troublesome ex over the weekend whilst we were still meant to be working it out...'

Please tell me you are not trying to save this.

Focus on getting a job. Pay off your debt and never, ever do this again.

This guy used you to live rent and bill free in London for 7 months. He's a cunt.

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humourless · 08/03/2017 12:32

I hope you're off the lease Op, if you are you will need the deposit back... did you pay it?

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Kiroro · 08/03/2017 12:32

Wow OP he is a total fucking cunting cock lodger of the highest order!!!!!

Massive hugs your way.

He bloody shoud pay you back at least 50% of the debt and I would say 50% of the rent but I doubt you will ever get that.

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