to ask DP to pay half?

[RentANDBills]

DP and I met last spring. He had just completed his PhD and we were both looking for jobs. I secured a job in London and we both agreed to move there, as 99% of the jobs in his field are there too.
We chose a place to live together, which would be tight on my salary but affordable on two - I agreed to foot all the bills until he found a job. He was happy to do any kind of work until he found a permenant position in his area.

Skip forward 7 months and he'd only just found a job, it is in his field but a starter job. Fine. I was getting twitchy towards the end of the 7 months as my salary was not covering all our expenses, so we were using my credit card to cover the shortfall.
DP claims he was searching hard for any job, but long story short I'm not sure how hard he tried as there were a lot of jobs available, and he hadn't applied to any.
He stayed at home and did the laundry and cooked some meals. We had a cleaner (inc in cost of our rent).
We did not live beyond our means.

Two weeks into him starting his job, I get made redundant. Literally the same day, he then says he no longer loves me and that I've been selfish the past 7 months for abandoning him at home and not supporting him emotionally.

I could go on about the emotional stuff, but tbh I'm broken.

He had previously been expecting to contribute towards paying off the "joint debt" on my credit card as well as a % of the expenses, once he had a job.

Now he has dumped me. I believe he thinks its fair to pay for his % of expenses since he got a job, plus half the debt. Basically what he would pay if we were still together.

My friends and family say he should now have to pay me back for half of ALL the rent and bills since we moved to London, as I paid them in good faith on the relationship.

AIBU to ask for him to pay me back his share of the rent from the last 7 months? He lived off my salary completely.

What a freeloading fucker.
Legally, you cannot do anything. It would not be classed as a debt and there is no provision for financial orders between unmarried partners.

Practically, you need to get your stuff back, come off the lease of the flat (hopefully the cock will have to pay an agency fee for getting a new lease or something). I would actually also be tempted to speak to his parents and explain the situation. They might give you the money- you have nothing to lose.

Why is HE in the flat and you're on the floor at your parents? He sounds like a total fuckwit to be honest. Sorry this happened to you. I sympathise, I had a skint/lazy uni boyfriend who I spent hundreds on - because I loved him and it was a long term thing. Of course you did that, because you thought it would be a long term relationship and that's what couples do for each other.

Please tell me you are not trying to save this absolutely not. Over the weekend I was working hard on a plan to make him feel more loved and secure, full of ideas etc. I come back to find half his stuff had gone to his parents and found out about him seeing an ex he had apparently cut off etc and I knew that I was worth more than that.

'I'm still confused as to why I'm selfish, other than coming him moaning about my job and not giving him much attention, which admittedly I did do, which was wrong.'

You're not. He's a cunt.

Has he paid the rent? Did you make sure the deposit is coming back to your parent's house if you paid it?

Why is HE in the flat and you're on the floor at your parents?

I've been signed off work (after everything I basically had a breakdown, panic attacks etc etc) and there is no reason for me to be in London. He has his job in London, and it seems petty to kick him out if I'm not going to be there anyway.
The apartment fills me with horror now anyway

I'm confused as to why you're giving his reasons for the break up any brainspace. He fell out of love - it happens - generally not someone's fault - move on. He wants to blame you for the split, based on what you've written you should have booted his lazy arse out of the door months since.

See if you can get him to pay you something towards what he owes you. Long-term, treat this as one of those painful 'learning' relationships ( most of us have one). Next time, look less at what he says he'll do and more about what he actually does. Don't support your partner financially unless you're married. Avoid building up debts. Expect (and enforce) fair treatment.

It'll be fine in a bit and you'll find your personal "bullshiter" meter has been fine-tuned.

Up to this point he has always been kind and introverted, so when he talked for hours about how selfish I was and how miserable he's been I realised I must have been a right cowbag

No, you are not a cowbag. He is a cunt. If you were truly miserable in a relationship, would you continue to leech money off your partner (despite being capable of working) and then only dump them when they have been given awful personal news and have lost their job? If you're a decent person, then no.

He sounds like a psychopath. They often sponge off people and then callously drop them and blame them.

I had paid the rent just before he made his decision. The deposit should come back to me. Though that is one of the sums we have on the credit card so presumably he'll want to minus that off the debt figure before paying half

Being kind is not letting your partner run up debts on your behalf because you won't apply for temp jobs.

Over the weekend I was working hard on a plan to make him feel more loved and secure, full of ideas etc

Just please, please, NO. Get all your stuff back, try to get the money, then tell him you must have been insane when you suggested getting back with him because you have now realised that he is a piece of pond scum.

If you were truly miserable in a relationship, would you continue to leech money off your partner he said he'd been "confused" about how he felt for a while, but me losing my job was an opportunity for me to be "free" and not trapped in London because of him.

I guess I just don't think you go into these kind of situations with an account book. You said you'd be OK with supporting him while he looked for a job, which many couples do for each other. But we none of us know what will happen and we take the chance when we make these offers that it won't work out financially. In the long term, I think letting it go will be better for you psychologically. Take the money he is offering, move on, and I'm sorry this has all happened and he sounds like a total twat.

Re what Owles said above ^. I think she has a point, but it doesn't make it any easier for the OP. And as I said, it sounds (to me) like he just used her and didn't really care about her at all.

Thing is, the world is littered with selfish money grabbing users. I reckon everyone knows someone (or has someone in their life who knows someone) who has fleeced them one way or another. Whether it's a tenner they borrowed and never gave back, or whether they were conned out of 10s of 1000s (or even more!) by someone who professed to love them.

I have seen people who won or inherited money (quarter million to a million-ish,) and 'friends' and extended family who they hadn't seen for a generation suddenly got in touch 'needing' money for something: an operation for a sick relative (or themselves,) or for their debts, or for their child's education, or other random shit. Literally never bothered with them in TWENTY years, and then got in touch when this person came into money.

Also, I have seen people turn up at funerals of a fairly distant relative that they haven't seen for 25-30 years, to see if they have been left anything in the will. Whether they have or not, they just wait to see if they have, and then sod off and leave.

I have also seen people cling on to people like limpets who they know have money PURELY for the money. I mean, the recent case of that poor female author Helen Bailey illustrated how a lust for money can turn people evil. Her boyfriend befriended her when she was vulnerable, got inside her head, gained her love and trust, and then murdered her so he could have her money.

An extreme case, but still, another example of how people just use people for their money.

It literally does not compute with me. Just using someone for money. It's bizarre, sociopathic behaviour IMO.

I really hope the OP doesn't try to work things out with this parasite who has treated her like shit. She deserves so much better.

allchattedout luckily I found this out before trying to save us. A small victory for me as he was expecting me to want to make it work and I actually was saying "nah, its not going to". So I still have some of my dignity

I think you'll be lucky to get a penny out of him, legally he doesn't have to give you anything, morally it's a different thing altogether.....
He's a cunt but sadly he's not broken any laws.
You were startlingly naive to agree to rack up debt and pay his way when , from what I can work out, you haven't even been together a year?! You should have protected yourself, just rented a room somewhere til he got a job too, instead he's been living in London for months at your expense, now he's got a job and doesn't need your cash he's fucked you off.
I don't think there's anything you can do but learn from this, and I really hope you do, he took you for a mug and to be honest you let him!

he said he'd been "confused" about how he felt for a while, but me losing my job was an opportunity for me to be "free" and not trapped in London because of him

Oh wow, how very kind of him. So he gets to stay in your lovely home while you are forced to move back home. Hardly 'free' when you are forced to move due to finances. And to just dump you after a breakdown, your granddad's illness and redundancy is pretty evil. Suddenly not 'confused' anymore eh?

Barbarianmum

He fell out of love - it happens - generally not someone's fault - move on.

I disagree. I don't think he loved her in the first place. You don't treat someone you love like he has treated the OP.

You've been used...
Remember to you take your name off the electric and gas bills, and water rates and council tax immediately. I wouldn't bother telling him you've done it though, as it's likely to cause more argument....

He should pay, but he sounds like a turd so he probably won't.

Look on the bright side and use this as a learning experience to fine-tune your "twat/cock-lodger" radar.

Sometimes in life, one learns the hard way, taking a hit on the finances in the process.

Bloggybollocks God, I know. I'm SUCH a massive twat. But at the time it made such perfect sense, and had it gone as planned we'd have been much better off than if we'd have lived seperately. His alternative was to go back to his parents until he found a job.
Looking back it was very very obvious.

Here's what I think you should do:

1. Accept the money he's offering.
2. Make sure you tie up loose ends regarding bank accounts, tenancy agreements so he can't take you for a ride on those.
3. Block him, his friends and family on all social media.
4. Concentrate on getting yourself well and eventually realise that you've dodged a bullet there. There are women who've married arseholes like him. Thank god you didn't.

Because of the state you're in regarding your job and mental health. The money is the least of your worries. I'd just be glad that you've seen the back of him although I appreciate that you don't feel like that at the moment. Pursuing extra money keeps you tied to him. I wouldn't bother.

What a cunt. I'm sorry you're going through this OP. He absolutely should be paying you back. Perhaps tap up his parents?

For what it's worth I've been in a very similar situation. I had to kiss the money goodbye, which was far from ideal when I was at my lowest ebb. It's a real kick in the teeth when you've suppprted a loser for ages and then they throw on the towel when their reliable cash cow needs the favour returning.
However, this did teach me a valuable lesson and made me aware of all the things I need and should get from a relationship.
You'll get through this and in a few years you'll laugh about this twat. When you're feeling stronger and have recovered emotionally and financially you'll be open to a relationship with someone who is supportive and your equal.
I feel like my experience was a very lucky escape. If the tables hadn't turned then I could've been supporting my useless cocklodger for years before I saw the light.
Sending you lots of good wishes for getting your life back on track.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time at the moment. In one of your posts you say 'He already has in his mind to pay half of the joint debt we accrued' but that debt was accrued because you were both living off only your salary surely?? I think he owes you for the full time you were together but as others have said, it will be difficult to get.

Can you actually talk to him and explain and try and get him to sympathise with you? You have lost your home that you paid for, your job and are in debt - if he has an ounce of decency he should be offering to help you out (although I know in real life it's not that simple).

Please don't feel ashamed, we all have to make mistakes so we can learn from them. Try to see this as a new start - you're free of an absolute twat, you have job offers coming in, you don't have to live in London...things might be tough for a while financially but you will build yourself back up again and in the future you will know what not to do.

I hope it works out for you xx

Pinbasket notice has been handed in on the flat and I've cancelled everything else.

Except I can't cancel his gym membership as although it comes out of my account, its in his name.

The lady over the phone very kindly explained that I only needed to cancel mine and then the direct debit and he'd then be the one chased for the expense.

^But at the time it made such perfect sense, and had it gone as planned we'd have been much better off than if we'd have lived seperately. His alternative was to go back to his parents until he found a job.
Looking back it was very very obvious.^

I don't think you've been a twat at all. You took a chance. Loads of us have done over the years and sometimes it pays off - when I met DP he had just been signed off sick from work because he had pneumonia, he was stuck in a flat he hated due to a lease he couldn't get out of, and so I paid for us to get a flat and we moved in together in under a month very quickly. Total madness, but 15 years later, we're still together and it's worked out. And you're right - in long term relationships it balances out.

Next time you'll know you're taking a risk and will be able to assess whether it's worth trying that. Maybe not. Maybe it will be for someone else. But I really don't think you're a twat for loving and trusting someone and hoping it would be a good relationship. It just sucks that it didn't work out.

when he talked for hours about how selfish I was and how miserable he's been I realised I must have been a right cowbag

Not at all! This is the slant he is putting on things because it gives him an excuse to slither out of the relationship now that he is the only one with a job.

I wonder if he would have been the same if you had still been in work and the two of you could have lived a comparatively high life on your joint incomes? Maybe you have been a little over-invested in your job, but it was making you miserable and you felt you had to stay because you were keeping TWO adults! Believe me, if the boot had been on the other foot, he would have wanted to unload his work complaints on an evening too. Everyone does - it's only natural.

I suspect that he has sponged off you (though I'm sure he thought a lot of you in the beginning of your relationship) when he had nothing, but now that the tables are turned, he wants to keep his own cash. It may be that his tw@tty family are also telling him that he shouldn't be taken for a mug by you etc - he can't be expected to pay for everything and you have a free ride - conveniently forgetting that this is just what he's done to you.

Legally, you can't claim anything I don't think. I would accept what he's offered and walk away without a backward glance, taking this as a very hard lesson learned. Hopefully he will struggle to cope with the bills on his own, and will make a sh1te job of it at work and get finished before the end of his probationary period.

You are worth more than this.