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DH won't denounce Trump. AIBU to expect him to?

(182 Posts)
FabulousUsername Tue 31-Jan-17 08:11:42

Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this. I haven't been very politically involved in the past but I have a keen sense of right and wrong and I detest Trump's bullying ways. And most everything he says, I'm sure there is no need to explain the revulsion I feel about his leadership. DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'.

I'm seeing patriarchy everywhere...and I feel really aggrieved that H tacitly supports the view that it is our destiny. As a bit of backstory, he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally. For example, joking about men trading in wives for younger models like Trump-- clever guy, eh hmm (me with bored sarcastic eye roll). I've responded to this by saying that the door is open and if he wants to trade me in he's welcome to. But he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke. Old stuff, really, but in the context of the Trump presidency it suddenly seems crucial for him to realise that this sort of joke isn't acceptable. Not one bit. And it isn't funny to joke about me wanting to march in protest to Trump. I keep thinking he will change and be on my side, so to speak, but so far no sign of it.

Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?

OP’s posts: |
BluePheasant Tue 31-Jan-17 08:16:50

I would really struggle being married to someone who had opposing to views to me when it came to matters such as human rights and equality. This issues are so fundamental.

I think the fact that you feel he belittles what you do is much more important than his politics. Shouldn't a husband and wife support each other?

Ultimately you need to ask yourself if you are happy with him?

KateDaniels2 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:16:56

Tbh, since the other stuff isnt a deal breaker for you, i dint get why this is.

The rest of tge stuff we be enough for me to end the marriage

OvariesBeforeBrovaries Tue 31-Jan-17 08:17:44

People will come along and say YABU, but I think YANBU.

If DH came out in support of Wotsit Hitler (or refused to denounce him), I'd be seriously reconsidering our marriage.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 31-Jan-17 08:18:43

You'd end your marriage forever over a disagreement about the president of another country who will probably only have that role for a maximum of 4 years? YABU

You'd end your marriage forever over the realisation that your husband is a bit of a misogynistic twat and you can't get past that? YAB far less U, but could potentially be worked through if you were to both put in the effort (not just you).

Gwenci Tue 31-Jan-17 08:20:48

I'm in a really similar situation OP. I hate Trump and everything he is doing, and I fear deeply for the future such a divisive, hate fuelled presidency will cause.

My DH describes himself as 'ambivalent' about it. DH has never made derogatory remarks about women, and agrees that some of what Trump has done 'isn't great' but generally speaking he's of a 'let's just see how it goes before we judge' attitude. How much more do we need to see?!

I said to DH the other day that as the parents of a daughter, it upsets me that he isn't more angry. He in turn was cross with me for expecting him to be as incensed as I am. I know I am being unreasonable expecting him to feel as strongly as I do but I'm genuinely upset that he isn't more condemning of what's happening.

BarbarianMum Tue 31-Jan-17 08:24:13

I agree - if you are ok being married to a misogynist, then I wouldn't let Trump spoil your marriage. Personally, I wouldn't be happy....

Bluntness100 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:25:05

You'd end uour marriage as he won't say he doesn't agree with trump but everything else he does is alright with you?

I don't give a shit about my husbands politics, we don't actually agree politically but that's irrelevant to me, but if he was a misogynist, that would be something I have an issue with.

I guess we pick our battles. 🙄

RedToothBrush Tue 31-Jan-17 08:27:14

I'd ditch him.

How the world works is how you let it. That includes how you let your husband treats you.

Teach him the alternative version of how the world works.

wigglesrock Tue 31-Jan-17 08:30:58

Tbh I think your husbands at least tacit support of Trump is the least of the issues. I couldn't live with someone who thought I was a lesser person than them regardless of their political views.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 31-Jan-17 08:36:08

I think his thoughts on Trump are the least of your problems - he sounds awful!

Cowgoesmoo Tue 31-Jan-17 08:36:28

I would say that thinking Trump is ok is an external symptom of a deep-rooted disease, and that although your DH has always suffered this particular affliction it's only just become apparent on the surface.

I agree there was an element of 'wait and see' but his first week and a half has flushed that approach down the toilet.

If I were you I would explain very clearly and calmly exactly what it is that angers you so much, and gauge his reaction. In my opinion a decent man would be 1) supportive of your feelings and actions and 2) appalled by Trump. If he's not those things I would find it very difficult to carry on.

aprilanne Tue 31-Jan-17 08:37:31

my husband is sexist ,IE he thinks a mothers place is with her children and is horrified that my sons partner works part time not that he ever says to her just to me .i am used to his ways now .he will clean the windows clean out the rabbit do the garden and decorating d. i .y that sort of thing but child care house work no chance .some men are sexist thankfully my sons dont take after him .but would i divorce him no and i certainly would not care what he thought of trump .just rise above your hubbys attitude he is not the only one

GreatScot8 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:44:23

The way he belittles you is more important than the fact that he won't talk shit about Trump beyond "he's a monster".

If you're fine with being married to him despite the way he treats you, then YABU for thinking tolerating Trump is the dealbreaker.

Ultimately, people have different opinions on things and that's fine. I'm sure you didn't go into your marriage knowing nothing about his political persuasions.

JenniferYellowHat1980 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:44:29

aprilanne, rise above your hubbys attitude

Seriously? How? By washing his underpants and tacitly enabling his sexist views on you DIL (and GDCs?)

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Tue 31-Jan-17 08:44:29

It's about what you can live with. It would be a deal breaker for me. I've always been attracted to intelligent people with a strong moral compass who are prepared to speak out for the oppressed and minority groups. sTrump is a despot, can't string a coherent sentence together and has no moral compass. He is a dictator - just sacked his attorney general because she reported that his immigration ban was illegal -his policies are racist, homophobic and misogynistic - we don't have to wait and 'see how it goes' - we only have to look at our history books to see that he has all the hallmarks of a tyrant, where such policies get us and what happens when people turn a blind eye.

Strongmummy Tue 31-Jan-17 08:48:42

Has he always been such a twat or is this a recent revelation. If the former then I'm afraid you married it and are therefore being a bit unreasonable as you should've expected this type of shit. Personally I couldn't bear it and would have to LTB

Penfold007 Tue 31-Jan-17 08:53:23

You have a strongly held political opinion, your DH doesn't share it. What right do either of you have to insist the other agrees with you? If it's a relationship deal breaker then so be it.

aprilanne Tue 31-Jan-17 08:53:42

JENNIFER as i said he never says anything to dil .my sons know what he is like and just make a full of his dinosauric attitude .i just ignore him and do my own thing .

angeldelightedme Tue 31-Jan-17 08:53:46

Ivanka does not look like an oppressed woman to be.
You don't like Trump because ypu say he is oppressive, yet you think your husband has to hold the same opinions as you?

RhiWrites Tue 31-Jan-17 08:55:40

His support of Trump is indicative of wider misogyny.

I think you should start becoming more politically active: march, protest etc. And also push back every time he implies your opinions or work is lesser than his.

Either he'll respect you more - or you'll see that you are not compatible. Or, I suppose, as manny mumsnetters do you'll accept that many men see women as lesser than them.

BarbarianMum Tue 31-Jan-17 08:55:53

Ivanka is not married to Trump.

squishysquirmy Tue 31-Jan-17 08:58:55

YANBU. Even if you were overacting about Trump (and for what it's worth I don't think you are), it seems to fall into a pattern of him belittling you, and what's important to you. Some women may find jokes about trading in wives funny. You don't, and he knows this, so he should stop making them.
You don't have to rush into any decisions, but whatever you decide is a valid choice.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Tue 31-Jan-17 08:59:23

Ivanka is his daughter. Ivana is his first wife. Melania is the current wife. Hope this helps.

OP, I agree with most of the rest. Your husband's views on Trump seem from what you've said to be a symptom of a wider problem. His lack of respect for women would be a dealbreaker for me.

Trumpdespiser Tue 31-Jan-17 09:03:09

As my user name would suggest I would leave him, I simply couldn't stand it.

I am irrationally furious with dh for saying throughout Trump wouldn't get the nomination/be elected/carry out any of his pledges when I was sure it would all happen.

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