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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't denounce Trump. AIBU to expect him to?

181 replies

FabulousUsername · 31/01/2017 08:11

Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this. I haven't been very politically involved in the past but I have a keen sense of right and wrong and I detest Trump's bullying ways. And most everything he says, I'm sure there is no need to explain the revulsion I feel about his leadership. DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'.

I'm seeing patriarchy everywhere...and I feel really aggrieved that H tacitly supports the view that it is our destiny. As a bit of backstory, he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally. For example, joking about men trading in wives for younger models like Trump-- clever guy, eh Hmm (me with bored sarcastic eye roll). I've responded to this by saying that the door is open and if he wants to trade me in he's welcome to. But he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke. Old stuff, really, but in the context of the Trump presidency it suddenly seems crucial for him to realise that this sort of joke isn't acceptable. Not one bit. And it isn't funny to joke about me wanting to march in protest to Trump. I keep thinking he will change and be on my side, so to speak, but so far no sign of it.

Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 31/01/2017 11:02

It's not about the disagreement per se but how you deal with it.

Plenty of people are married to other people with opposing views on all sorts of things.

Whilst my husband and I both don't like trump, in other ways we're not particularly politically aligned.

However we have a 'live and let live' policy and don't get upset if the other doesn't share our views or support a certain viewpoint.

You don't HAVE to both think the same way. What you do need, is to be able to accept each other's viewpoints, and have the ability to discuss non confrontationally, without bad feeling.

CockacidalManiac · 31/01/2017 11:02

And yet I'm not Scottish.

Interesting that. I don't really believe anything you say, though.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:03

I'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who uses a madeup -twatty-- word like 'whataboutery'.

MakingMerry · 31/01/2017 11:03

whatsthepointofmorgan

Yes I do believe the Government's policy towards Trump is shaped by Brexit.

The UK plans to exit the single market. When it does so, it will be subject to trade tariffs on exports to the EU. It will also exit the trade agreements the EU has, and need to negotiate its own.

The US is the world's largest economy and therefore the most important country to sign a trade agreement with. Ideally before we leave the EU.

May's stated mission when she came into Downing Street was to make Britain "a country that works for everyone". That means economically stable. She cannot deliver that with trade tariffs on UK exports to every major market.

If we were not exiting the single market, we would not be facing trade tariffs on our exports, and we would be negotiating with the US as a block of 27 countries. Therefore our need to sign a deal with the US would be much less urgent, and our negotiating position stronger.

Whether you voted, Leave, Remain, or abstain ,- that is a factual account of the UK position.

GreatScot8 · 31/01/2017 11:03

Interesting that. I don't really believe anything you say, though.

I made it quite obvious where I'm from earlier in the thread.

You must be a the equivalent of a bunny boiler, according to your name. Wouldn't be surprised.

Verbena37 · 31/01/2017 11:04

It's not nice that your DH treats you the way he does, regardless of anything political.

Politics-wise though, you can't have possibly known every single scenario that would play out in the world since you married, so therefore if he has slightly or very differing views to your own, how could you could not simply agree to disagree?

He has a right to his own views and just because you don't agree, doesn't mean you're right and he is wrong.

Perhaps just agree you are both different and ask him not to joke about politics around you....although surely you should be able to talk about stuff like that whilst acknowledging each others differences?

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 11:04

To me the real moral question is: what is the best course of action to effect change and stop Trump taking a Hitler-eque path. We can denounce him and call him all the names we want, but will that achieve anything?

YES, if enough of us do it. That is the point of all these protests and marches etc. Nobody stood up to Hitler, nobody protested. It's so different now, everything is much more visible and accessible, and we need to make our voices heard.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has"

Replace small with large and we're on our way. Anyway, what is the alternative? Do nothing at all? Then you're part of the problem.

NanFlanders · 31/01/2017 11:05

Yep. Write letters, sign petitions, organise support for refugees, teach Sunday school. Can't do much more as work full time and have kids, but whatswhatsthepoint seemed to say that all anti-Trump protesters were ignoring other concerns.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 11:06

I'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who uses a madeup -twatty-- word like 'whataboutery

Oh dear. Just because you don't know a word doesn't mean someone just made it up! Check your dictionary, and then apologise.

www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/whataboutery
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/whataboutery
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whataboutism

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:06

I'm really interested in the causes you mention especially the anti-caste and child poverty issues. Perhaps you can link us up with the work you are doing to draw attention and protest these issues?

No? hmmmmm?

Oh dear, we have a case of Whataboutery Hmm

CockacidalManiac · 31/01/2017 11:07

'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who uses a madeup -twatty-- word like 'whataboutery'.

It rather shows your ignorance. It's been around since the Cold War.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:09

I don't care how long it's been around, You do realize that you devalue the word when you use it purely to shutdown and mock an apposing view.

CockacidalManiac · 31/01/2017 11:11

This reply has been deleted

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whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:13

Who's We?

Hiding behind numbers I see.
Very mature.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 11:13

You're talking to people about devaluing a word you'd never heard of until today?
Please stop, its painful.

NanFlanders · 31/01/2017 11:13

Whatsthepoint - your last point is somewhat undermined by saying that your opponent 'sounds like a twat'.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/01/2017 11:14

I'm sorry, but I can't take anyone seriously who uses a madeup -twatty-- word like 'whataboutery'.

If you don't like "madeup" words, whatsthepointofmorgan, I've got some news about the rest of the English language - and indeed every language - that will BLOW YOUR MIND.

Also, it's a long-established word. If you've never heard it before, that speaks to your utter ignorance of political discourse than the status of the word.

Anyway, you carry on carping, and we will carry on actually doing something.

GreatScot8 · 31/01/2017 11:15

I'm more amused by becoming a Scot based off my username. All at the determination of someone whose username is Cockacidal Maniac Grin

The more you know.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:21

Anyway, you carry on carping, and we will carry on actually doing something.

Yes, spending hours at a time on AIBU is really going to hurt Donald Trump.
Right little bunch of Keyboard Warriors Hmm

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 31/01/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 31/01/2017 11:25

I will ignore you.
The OP has asked if she should stay with her OH because of DT. I'm sure she wants all views, not just those where people agree with each other.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2017 11:26

"he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally."
So the Trump thing has basically just highlighted his attitude to you. You already knew it, but presumably it was subtle enough that you either couldn't call him on it, or you convinced yourself that you were seeing something that wasn't there. But with Trump, it's pretty black & white. Would that be an accurate reading of what you are feeling?

"he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke."
Hmm. Banter. What people say when they've been called on something they've said that is fucking rude. 'It's just banter.' No, it's you being a knobhead. And for the record, if it's not funny, it's NOT a joke. And no, all men don't talk like that. Actually no men talk like that, only blokes - there's a distinction between the two.

"Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?"
Trump is not the issue here. It's just a particularly clear example of the attitude that you are already unenamoured with. You say he looks down on women - and you are a woman. Knowing your partner looks down on you, and you say he belittles your work - well, it's pretty hard to respect him, isn't it? And I do not believe love can survive a lack of respect.

"DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'."

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2017 11:26

"he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally."
So the Trump thing has basically just highlighted his attitude to you. You already knew it, but presumably it was subtle enough that you either couldn't call him on it, or you convinced yourself that you were seeing something that wasn't there. But with Trump, it's pretty black & white. Would that be an accurate reading of what you are feeling?

"he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke."
Hmm. Banter. What people say when they've been called on something they've said that is fucking rude. 'It's just banter.' No, it's you being a knobhead. And for the record, if it's not funny, it's NOT a joke. And no, all men don't talk like that. Actually no men talk like that, only blokes - there's a distinction between the two.

"Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?"
Trump is not the issue here. It's just a particularly clear example of the attitude that you are already unenamoured with. You say he looks down on women - and you are a woman. Knowing your partner looks down on you, and you say he belittles your work - well, it's pretty hard to respect him, isn't it? And I do not believe love can survive a lack of respect.

"DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'."

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/01/2017 11:26

"he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally."
So the Trump thing has basically just highlighted his attitude to you. You already knew it, but presumably it was subtle enough that you either couldn't call him on it, or you convinced yourself that you were seeing something that wasn't there. But with Trump, it's pretty black & white. Would that be an accurate reading of what you are feeling?

"he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke."
Hmm. Banter. What people say when they've been called on something they've said that is fucking rude. 'It's just banter.' No, it's you being a knobhead. And for the record, if it's not funny, it's NOT a joke. And no, all men don't talk like that. Actually no men talk like that, only blokes - there's a distinction between the two.

"Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?"
Trump is not the issue here. It's just a particularly clear example of the attitude that you are already unenamoured with. You say he looks down on women - and you are a woman. Knowing your partner looks down on you, and you say he belittles your work - well, it's pretty hard to respect him, isn't it? And I do not believe love can survive a lack of respect.

"DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'."