DH won't denounce Trump. AIBU to expect him to?

[FabulousUsername]

Just wondering if anyone else has encountered this. I haven't been very politically involved in the past but I have a keen sense of right and wrong and I detest Trump's bullying ways. And most everything he says, I'm sure there is no need to explain the revulsion I feel about his leadership. DH would say, at a push, that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'.

I'm seeing patriarchy everywhere...and I feel really aggrieved that H tacitly supports the view that it is our destiny. As a bit of backstory, he does belittle my work and (I now realise) looks down on women generally. For example, joking about men trading in wives for younger models like Trump-- clever guy, eh (me with bored sarcastic eye roll). I've responded to this by saying that the door is open and if he wants to trade me in he's welcome to. But he insists its banter and all men talk like that and that I can't take a joke. Old stuff, really, but in the context of the Trump presidency it suddenly seems crucial for him to realise that this sort of joke isn't acceptable. Not one bit. And it isn't funny to joke about me wanting to march in protest to Trump. I keep thinking he will change and be on my side, so to speak, but so far no sign of it.

Would you choose to 'agree to disagree'? Or would the thought of being married to a Trump apologist be a dealbreaker?

My Fiancé is American, we were planning for him to come over here permanently and for us to get married. That was until he and his entire (huge) family voted for Trump. Now, it's not just that he voted for Trump, because I strongly believe in being able to vote for who you want to, but because of the issues it has brought to the fore.

Racism, sexism, misogynistic values and more. They truly believe Obama only got elected because he was black for example. My Fiancé believes Trump will save America from the rest of the world because he will get rid of anyone NOT American.

The scariest thing is that almost all of what he says is not new or unique, it's like listening to many generations past. The same rotten rhetoric and clichés all the time.

He refuses to see any negative about Trump and his administration, and I even told him that by voting Trump, he had basically told his daughter that any man could come along and grab her and she had to put up with it, because hey, he knew Trump was fine with that and boasted about it, and he still voted him in. He ignored it.

But most of all, all this has shown me that deep down this is who he is, and for that, that is what will end it.

I think OP, with what you've said about your DH's history towards you, you're seeing who he is clearly now. I do believe anyone can be educated with facts but it's up to them where they go from there, and only you can know how to move forward with your DH, I wish you luck and strength. Trump really is affecting the world in so many ways that are not in any way positive.

I think this be the straw that broke the camels back?

As others have said, your main problem is your H's general sexist, mysoginistic behaviour.
The fact your H thinks Trump is doing the right thing, shouldnt really be a surprise to you, but I'm glad that this has made you question if you should stay with him.

Do you have children? Because that should also affect your descision. You don't want them growing up thinking this behaviour is ok.

Mirador, sorry to hear that. Are you breaking your engagement? I think that's that you have to do under the circumstance.

Angeldelightme of course Ivanka Trump is not oppressed she is the daughter of one of the richest and most powerful men on the planet. She is white and very rich and born into a family with huge privilege.

I'm baffled as to how you're even married to this man. I would have binned him after the first date.

Trump is simply bringing into focus the fact that you are tied to a twat.

Mirador at least you saw him for what he really is,before you married him. I'm sorry you're having to go through this though.

My DD was studying in America, at a supposedly Liberal university last year. She could not believe the support for Trump amongst the students. It really affected her whole experience and her view of the country.

I think there are many concepts of marriage. I couldn't be married to someone who disagreed fundamentally with my political and religious views - I wouldn't feel close to them. (I do, however, have friends with polar opposite views). But I am a very political person. For other couples, it's clearly not as important and having polar opposite political views doesn't preclude other kinds of closeness. What I'm trying to say is that it really depends whether this is a dealbreaker for your personal concept of marriage!

On the subject of your DH's views, I think Alain Badiou on Thatcher is spot on:

'"We have today in fact the dom­in­ant idea that there exists no glob­al choice, that there is no oth­er solu­tion. It was the word of Thatch­er: no oth­er solu­tion. No oth­er solu­tion except, nat­ur­ally, lib­er­al­ism, or today gen­er­ally we speak of neo­lib­er­al­ism. No oth­er solu­tion. And this point is very import­ant because Thatch­er her­self is not say­ing that this solu­tion is a very good one. It’s not the prob­lem for her. The prob­lem is that it’s the only solu­tion. And so you know in the con­tem­por­ary pro­pa­ganda, the point is not to say that glob­al­ized cap­it­al­ism is excel­lent, because it’s clear that it’s not. Every­body knows that. Every­body knows that mon­strous inequal­it­ies can­not be a solu­tion of the his­tor­ic­al des­tiny of human beings — every­body knows that. But the argu­ment is, “Okay, it’s not so good, but it’s the only real pos­sib­il­ity.” And so, in my opin­ion, the defin­i­tion of our time is the attempt to impose on human­ity at the scale of the world itself, the con­vic­tion that there is only one way for the his­tory of human beings. And without say­ing that this way is excel­lent, that this way is a very good one, but by say­ing that there is no oth­er solu­tion, no oth­er way."

www.versobooks.com/blogs/2940-alain-badiou-reflections-on-the-recent-election

Leave your husband if you cannot make your marriage work for all of the (non-election) reasons you've set out above and that would NBU.

If you'd leave your husband solely over the election of a US president that will be gone in 4 or 8 years, who was narrowly elected by the US people based on their long standing democratic process as he was either supported or (in their view) the less awful of two diabolical candidates, then quite frankly he is well rid as that is, IMO, ridiculous on your part.

PS I think the thing that would bother me the most is that anyone who can support Trump after the Muslim ban must be... a little bit racist.

I've joked about trading my DH in for a younger model. I last did so when he was in hospital after slipping a disk.

I'd have laughed if he'd wanted to end our relationship over that and he;d laugh at the suggestion.

that he's a bit of a monster but that he has a point, that he's a guy who gets things done, he knows 'how the world works'.

Which part do you disagree with?

He's a monster - true

He gets things done - demonstrably true

He knows how the world works - sadly true. It works through protectionism (China, EU), military might (Putin in the Ukraine, NATO), capitalism and fiscal might (N. Korea, USA, EU) and mutually beneficial pacts and deals (FTA, EU, NATO).

While asking people on an internet forum is fairly ridiculous, asking it on a forum which has its own acronym for the amount of times people are told to LTB for the biggest non-issues is completely ridiculous. If you came asking people to agree with you that you should leave him then that was pretty much guaranteed. I'm happy you got what you wanted as if you don't want to be married to him anymore, it's in both your best interests to end it.

I find it hard not to "bored sarcastic eyeroll" at the number of people who, like you, "have not been politically involved" but are happily jumping on the current fashionable bandwagon.

Would this thread have been similar had Hillary won and your husband wasn't 'denouncing a rape-apologist'? Would it fuck. Trump hating is a bandwagon. Suggesting you should leave your husband for not denouncing him is nonsense of the highest order.

RhiWrites BakeOffBiscuits
Thank you both, and yes, I will be breaking it off. I'm just trying to decide when, because I suspect if I do it right now, he will use Trump as the sole reason, rather than the true issues. I am not however contacting him right now (He's over in the US atm).

Going through this right now, I don't envy Op's choice either. It's heart-breaking. Seeing someone you love and adore as a completely alien person is well words fail me. I'm fortunate that there are no kids at home.

You know, as much as I loathe to say it, but maybe this is one silver lining from Trump, finding out who people really are deep down.

PS I think the thing that would bother me the most is that anyone who can support Trump after the Muslim ban must be... a little bit racist. - People who throw down the racist comment so easily are really watering down the meaning of it. 10 years ago I'd have been so horrified to have been called racist it would have brought me to tears, I would seriously have been devastated to have been called it. These days I'd shrug it off and think of it as a meaningless slur because it is so over used. EVERYONE who supported Brexit was apparently racist according to some, now everyone who supports Trump is allegedly so.

You'd end your marriage forever over a disagreement about the president of another country who will probably only have that role for a maximum of 4 years? YABU

I agree. You are being ridiculously unreasonable.

I feel sorry for couples, where one isn't allowed to have their own views and thoughts.
You must be a very tough and controlling person to expect to control what's going on in someone elses head.
Says more about you than Trump.

How? By washing his underpants

Can you still buy itching powder?

You don't like Trump because ypu say he is oppressive, yet you think your husband has to hold the same opinions as you?

That's the part that's making me laugh.

It's really a difficult one.

It is very important to have joint values and ideals but provided 90% of your values are the same then the 10% is something you can agree to disagree.

I think Trump is loathsome but can't see the point of alienating him and banning him because of his policies. With Brexit and all the upheaval ahead we need all the help we can get. I am not prepared to impoverish the future of my children by putting principles over pragmatism. If he was burning the Quran and throwing muslims into concentration camps that would obviously be different, but his stupid extreme vetting is being challenged in law and will be moderated. Luckily the US still has checks and balances for a madman like him.

seminormal - he just banned Muslim immigrants from a number of non-US allied countries. If that's not enough to call racism, I don't know what is.

Would this thread have been similar had Hillary won and your husband wasn't 'denouncing a rape-apologist'? Would it fuck. Trump hating is a bandwagon. Suggesting you should leave your husband for not denouncing him is nonsense of the highest order.

nonsense and childish.

seminormal - he just banned Muslim immigrants from a number of non-US allied countries. If that's not enough to call racism, I don't know what is. - So you do think that anyone/everyone who supports Trump at this present moment is racist? honestly?

I think everyone who supports someone who enacts racist policy is supporting someone who enacts racist policy. So yes. It's kind of tautologous, you see.

whatsthepointofmorgan

As opposed to your intelligent and insightful rebuttal?

It was to reinforce my idea that the Trump-hating bandwagon is boring and tired as well as entirely pointless (see the petition to refuse him a state visit).

I'd rather have Trump than Hilary Clinton and shame on you for being so judgemental your poor dh

he just banned Muslim immigrants from a number of non-US allied countries. If that's not enough to call racism, I don't know what is.

Let's keep to facts. It's a stay of immigration. It's not a permanent ban, nor does it apply exclusively to Muslims.

*Suspension, not stay.

It's not about a disagreement re political views (sigh). It's about an OH being tacitly compliciant in and approving of the subjugation of women - of which his partner is one. It is also about him reflecting those views in his treatment of her. Maybe it would be clearer if the OP was black and complaining about an OH who agreed with the KKK and made racist jokes about lynching?